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Young Writers
The Romance Writers' Forum
Hosted by:
Julie Harrington (Nickname: JewelTones)
Welcome to the Romance Writing Center. If you have any questions or comments about writing in general, or writing Romance in particular, this is the place to post. Also, feel free to post work for critique by others. Your host, Julie, is generally around at least a few times a day and will be happy to help if you need it. Enjoy!
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It is the role of Hosts to moderate their forum, participate in discussions and keep the forum on-topic. Hosts may remove inappropriate and off-topic posts when they deem it necessary.
Other areas of interest:
Writing For Young Adults,
Horror Writing Forum,
Mystery Writing Forum
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 9/4/2010 9:47 pm
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| Subject: | I think we've got a three way tie in the Flash forum....
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we sure could use some voters!
Please and thanks! (if anyone has time)
Suann
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/29/2010 5:04 pm
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| Subject: | Revision Exercise: Part 3 (Description) Crit Thread
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Body:
Poster's IP address: 68.74.78.237 (Why?)
Now that everybody has had some time to revise their pieces from the previous parts, incorporate the feedback (as applicable) AND gone over it to work on the description layer (sensory details, physical description, movement, etc, etc) we're up to getting feedback on your scene to date. So here's what you do:
AUTHORS:
Post your new, revised scene for feedback. Add any instructions or comments at the beginning.
CRITIQUE PEEPS:
Read over each story and give feedback on the area of Description -- positive and negative. Remember, be constructive. You're not only looking at how things are described, but sights, sounds, tastes, smells, setting, etc. If something sounds awkward or clunky or (conversely) awesome! note that too. The idea here is to help the author figure out what works and what doesn't, what could be fleshed out or thinned down.
If you should happen to notice anything else wrong on a "general critic" level (such as typos, passive voice, POV issues, etc), feel free to note them in your remarks, but don't fix them.
DEADLINE: Please have ALL crits down by September 5th.
Authors will then have the following week to revise (again) before we move on to the next area. As always, if you have ANY questions about description, questions about the feedback you receive, etc., please come and discuss them. :) We learn more the more we talk.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/29/2010 6:38 pm
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| Subject: | About Last Night (Revision: Part 3 )
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Edited by JewelTones on 8/29/2010 6:38 pm
Prompt: Hot Pink
Note: Any description comments welcomed, of course. The only comment I have, really, is that on the question from the last revision/crit round on how Riley knows the panties are Melody's. LOL. I actually have an answer for that, but we'd need to switch perspectives to Riley's to hear it! *G* (answer: he recognizes them from the laundry line in her backyard because he's been fantasizing about them for a loooooooong time).
Anyway, ty for the comments from before. Hopefully with the input you all gave and the changes made, I've straightened out any confusing bits, cleared up cluttered sentences and evened out some of the flow problems.
JT
About Last Night
There was a goat in her front yard.
Kneeling on her couch to peer through the lace sheers of the living room window at the front yard, Melody Andrews watched as the goat munched the marigolds that edged the driveway. She didn’t recognize the animal, of course, but she did recognize the dark blue sedan parked at the curb.
“Crap,” she whispered, the single word like a clap of thunder inside her skull.
Moaning, she dropped her face into the cushioned back of the couch and shifted the ice pack from one side of her throbbing skull to the other. Her whole body ached. Every muscle, every bone. Dear God, even her earlobes were hung-over. Her brain, however, was a mystifying void of nothingness.
Melody frowned deeper into the cushion. She’d left work early yesterday, driven home in a fog of anger and outrage – not to mention more than a little self-pity – and called Jane. Then Jane showed up on her doorstep armed with a promise she could fix everything and…
Tequila.
Melody stiffened, the cold compress numbing her left ear. There was definitely Tequila. Tezon Blanco, not that cheap junk sold at the local grocery store. Jane had brought a bottle with her. Maybe two. And limes. Lots of limes. Then the rest of her friends showed up, all bearing the usual mope-fest foods – pizza, ice cream, and chocolate. Melody stilled, tried to mentally shove the hangover pain away and grasp the fleeting shreds of memory. Music. Somebody had turned on music, then cranked it so loud she felt it vibrate through the floor and into her feet, into her blood. That’s when the stripper—
Stripper?
Where the hell had a stripper come from? But the memory was there nonetheless. Something about rules and expectations and doing something daring and then… Clothes flew. A beach ball knocked her favorite lamp off the table and set the rug on fire. Melody stared at the charred ring on her Persian carpet. Oh, damn. Her mother gave her that rug. What was she going to tell her?
The buzz of her doorbell fell in perfect time with her moan of distress.
The buzz became a knock, the knock a pound.
“Coming,” Melody called out as she struggled to get one bare foot on the floor. She pushed her way upright, stayed there long enough to make sure the slow spin of the room wouldn’t land her on her ass, then made her way toward the front door.
She was never drinking again. Ever. As a rule she never did, but last night was last night, the perfect ending to a craptastic day, and by God she deserved to send it off right. Damn what anybody else thought. Besides, Melody rationalized as she tossed the ice pack onto the entryway table, following the rules hadn’t done her any favors so far. What was the harm in kicking the chains off for one night? She deserved it. She’d earned the right to let her hair down and have a little fun.
There was no law against having fun, right? Right, Melody told herself as she dragged her hands through her brown hair. She tucked the unruly strands behind her ears before tugging at her rumpled blouse to try and make it look like she hadn’t slept in it. She tested her breath, winced, then toed a pizza box away from the door as she turned the knob.
Early morning sunlight slapped her in the face, and as Melody tried to ward it off with her hand, she glimpsed six feet of sexy, sinful disapproval in the form of her neighbor, Riley Jackson, between her fingers. Crap.
“Melody?”
She winced. Great. The one time he sought her out, she had Chihuahua breath and looked like something that’d crawled out from beneath an underpass.
Riley, on the other hand, looked as he always looked – sexy and hot and the star of every erotic fantasy she’d had since she glimpsed him, shirtless, picking up his newspaper one hot summer morning. She’d known he was toned, but that ripped? She’d never been sure which she found sexier after that: Riley in uniform, or out.
Now he was here and Melody couldn’t keep her eyes from wandering over his chest to the badge pinned there, then lower to the thick utility belt and holster strapped around his waist, then even lower. He smelled good, she realized, like coffee and a warm, herbal soap. The scent made her want to snuggle against him until her breasts flattened against his chest and his hips cradled hers. It made her long for his hands on her bottom as she threaded her fingers through his dark, dark hair and brought his head down so she could take his mouth.
Melody swallowed, cleared her throat, and barely kept herself from fanning her hot, flushed skin. Confident her head wouldn’t explode and that she could open her mouth without blowing chunks all over his shoes, she lowered her hand to smooth it over her hip and said, “Hey, Riley. I—” Her eyes widened. Her hand stilled. Oh, God. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, dusted her hand across her bottom before she tugged at her rumpled skirt again. Great. Of all the days to go commando. She cleared her throat and forced herself to meet his eye. “Something I can do for you?”
Like strip him naked on her living room floor and show him what they could really do with his handcuffs?
Riley’s gaze slid over her, making Melody acutely away of her mussed hair, wrinkled clothes, and bare toes. When his chocolate eyes met hers again, they narrowed. His mouth thinned. “Looks like you had quite the party last night.”
“Oh. Yeah. That. I, uh, hope we didn’t make too much noise.”
“I don’t know, I just got off a shift, but nobody filed any complaints.”
“Oh.” Whew.
He glanced over his shoulder at the front yard, and Melody followed it. Pizza boxes littered the front porch, carefully placed shot glasses lined the steps leading to the sidewalk, and paper plates and cups dotted the grass. Melody started to say something, then cringed as she and Riley watched the goat rip another chunk of flowers from the ground.
Riley turned back to her. “I just wanted to make sure everything was okay over here.”
“Uh. Yeah. Sure.” Melody shoved at her hair again. “Just, you know, blowing off some steam.”
He nodded though he didn’t look like he believed it. “You’ve lived here for what? A year now?”
“Fifteen months,” she corrected. Fifteen months of being the good girl, of working hard, doing everything the right way. Fifteen freaking frustrating months of exchanging neighborly waves and nice-day-isn’t-it-ing over the fence between their backyards and waiting and hoping he’d do something more than nod in her freaking direction. Like back her up against the garage and show her how good sex could tilt the world on its axis.
“Right,” Riley said with a shrug, “like I said, a year. Whatever. You’ve always been a good neighbor. Quiet. Respectful. No parties. Nothing wild. This just seemed,” he glanced back at the goat again, “unusual.”
“Yeah, well, yesterday was an unusual day.”
One thick brow arched upward. “Oh?”
Melody sighed as she massaged her brow. What the hell. Everybody would know sooner or later, right? Maybe the more she said it, the easier it would get. Besides, she wanted to tell him. Something about him made it easy to confide in him. Maybe it was the badge. Maybe it worked like a priest collar. She didn’t know, and right now she didn’t care. She folded her arms across her chest, then paused. Terrific. No panties and now she’d have to search her yard for her own bra. Definitely no tequila ever again.
“It was a farewell party,” she said.
He stilled. His brows pinched instantly together. “You’re moving? When?”
“No, I left my job.”
The lines on his forehead eased. His shoulders relaxed. “With the accounting firm?”
He knew where she worked? She nodded.
That frown was back, but lighter this time, more puzzled than disapproving. “Didn’t you move all the way from Illinois to Georgia to take it?”
He knew why she’d moved here? Maybe she’d told him. She didn’t remember telling him that. Then again, she never remembered. Whenever he looked at her, something in those dark, unreadable eyes left her feeling flustered, and her mouth just opened on a mortifying stream of babble until she blurted out some excuse and ran off, leaving him staring after her.
Melody sighed. “Yeah, well, things didn’t exactly go as advertised.”
“What does?” He hooked his thumbs under his utility belt, tugging lower on his hips. “So what happened?”
“The question of the hour,” she muttered. She eyed his badge again. What was it with that thing? He asked, she felt compelled to answer. It wouldn’t be that bad if she got to crawl into his lap, her head on his shoulder while he stroked her hair, while she told her tale of woe, but this was ridiculous. She scratched her forehead. “I’m not really sure. I had my review—“
“Oh. Ouch. You quit on a knee-jerk reaction to a performance eval?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think so. I was sitting there listening to the partners — Bitterman, Schultz, Reinholt and Larson – go on about how nice I was and how efficient and what a good team player I was—”
“Uh-oh.”
“No, those are good qualities.”
A corner of his mouth curved upward. “Sure they are.”
“And they told me there was no raise but that they’d try really hard to work one into their budget next year, even though I haven’t had since they hired me.”
Riley scoffed.
“And then I don’t know. It’s like my brain disconnected from my body the instant they started talking about the office manager position they’d been floating for the last few months and how they’d selected Becky Hornstock.”
“Becky…”
“Hornstock,” she said again. “All I could think was, I trained her. She’s been there for less than a year, I’m always covering her ass, she borrowed my favorite stapler and never gave it back, and I trained her. The next thing I know, I hear someone say—”
“I quit.”
She stared up at him. “Yeah.”
“What’d they say?”
“Sorry to see you go, do you need help cleaning out your desk?”
“Nice. So you came home to mope and your friends helped you celebrate your good fortune by throwing you Mexican wake for your job.”
“Mexican…”
Riley plucked an empty bottle from the windowsill and held it up for her to see. “It’s like an Irish wake, but with Tequila instead of whisky.”
“Oh. Then, yes.”
“And you had a good time?”
“Uh.” Except for the huge holes in her memory after the fifth, or was that the sixth, shot? “Yeah. It was great.”
“Great. Then that explains everything except three things.”
She tipped her head. “What’s that?”
“The goat,” Riley said, pointing to the animal as it wandered down the drive to his car and started gumming the front fender. He gestured toward her foot. “The tattoo.”
Melody extended her leg and gasped at the reddened, raw-looking floral vine inked around one slender ankle.
“And why these,” he drawled, making Melody look up to watch as her hot pink panties dangled from his fingertip, “where hanging on my doorknob.”
Her cheeks heated as she stared at the tiny scrap of material. She’d gone over there? Oh, God. She’d gone over there! She’d vowed to throw caution to the wind, to grab life and live it, and to show Hottie McHolster exactly what he’d been missing. With Jane cheering on her every step from the front porch, she’d parade across the grass, and up the steps of his porch to bang on his front door.
Melody squeezed her eyes shut and groaned. The only stripping down that night was done by her. God knew where she’d left the bra. All she knew was she’d intended on having a very good time last night. In Riley’s bed.
Riley stepped closer, tucked a gentle finger under her chin, waited until she looked at him, then said, “So I came over to find out, Melody... What would’ve happened if I’d answered the door?”
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 9/4/2010 7:26 pm
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| Subject: | I've been a bad, bad, bad, girl.....
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Body:
Poster's IP address: 24.89.243.113 (Why?)
Edited by sass on 9/4/2010 7:26 pm
Hey JT,
Like it says above, I've been a bad girl. Tonight is flash fiction night and also the first night I'll be doing any substantial amount of writing for almost two weeks.
There's been a string of things going on: allergic reaction to some meds that put me out of commission for about a week, heatwave that makes me feel nauseous, headachy and blah, preparing for vacation (and working overtime to get things done so that I could actually take vacation), trying and failing to get some short stories edited to send out to mags..etc, etc., etc.
Sometimes life gets in the way.
Anyway, the point is that I haven't lifted a finger to the keyboard or pen to paper in two weeks, which means I FAILED miserably at the revision exercise. I printed off the comments and had intentions to work on it...it just never happened.
I'll still try to do a re-read and comment on yours though.
Just wanted to let you know so you aren't just left hanging.
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 9/4/2010 7:58 pm
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| Subject: | Actually, I've been pondering the revision exercises.... Suggestions?
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Perhaps this is too much of a time commitment for people and there's a more effective/efficient way of doing this. Nothing for anybody to feel bad about, like I said in the beginning, it's a trial and error thing.
So if anybody has suggestions on how they think we can tackle revision in a more "time friendly" manner, please don't be shy. Step on up and make them. :)
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/23/2010 11:35 am
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| Subject: | Revision Exercise: Part 3 -- Description
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.79.40 (Why?)
Now that you've taken your story through it's first "general comment phase" and revised with those comments and suggestions in mind, we're going to start narrowing our focus to specific elements and issues. Sometimes this will mean you've got little work to do on your piece... other times it might result in more. This will help you identify strengths and weaknesses. :)
In this part, we're going to focus on Description. This is more than how something "looks," and includes all sensory details, location, setting, physical description, etc.
So you're job this week is to take your revised piece and re-read it then begin to develop it by making sure the reader is ground in terms of location and setting (where are we? City/state/where does this scene occur, etc When are we? What does the location look like? Inside/outside/an office/living room/other?).
Look to see if you've got physical description of your characters.
Can you find a balance in the scene to work in sensory details -- sight, smell, sound, taste, touch?
The goal here is, as always, balance.
We're going to use this week to work on revising for description and, of course, discussion about Description as a whole. So if you have questions, comments, or thoughts about Description in writing, gab away! The goal of these exercises is a give and take thing. Discuss, brainstorm, revise... Discuss, brainstorm together, revise...
Deadline: Please have the description revision step done by Sunday, August 29th and post it (we'll have a thread for it) for critique and feedback.
JT
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Edited by JewelTones on 8/23/2010 3:00 pm
I picked up a book this weekend that I'm really enjoying called "Thanks, but this isn't for us" by Jessica Page Morrell and there were some great quotes about the first chapter and opening of your book.
"Story openings are like job interviews, and if the words on the page entertain, you get the job. If they don't, somebody who writes better gets the job."
- Jessica Page Morrell from Thanks, But This Isn't For Us.
and
"Remember, begin with tension and immediacy. Make readers feel the story has started. They want to be in your world, not told about it. Don't preface -- plunge in."
- Jerome Stern, Making Shapely Fiction.
and
"With the first words, the writer establishes his credibility, introduces view point and voice, and makes the reader care about the people and the story unfolding."
- Jessica Page Morrell
Morrell also talks about what to make sure you include in your opening, one of which are specific sensory details. Morrell then quoted another author and I just loved the one line, which was:
"I could hear rich carpets in their voices, books and peals and fur."
- Tracy Chevalier, Girl with the Pearl Earrings
Is that not one of the best descriptive lines you've ever read? Love that.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/21/2010 11:27 am
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| Subject: | The Dorchester Drama Goes On....
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Related Link: http://www.briankeene.com/?p=4544&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter
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Anybody keeping an eye on Dorchester books after their announcement that they'd stop printing mass market paperback and would switch to digital only might also have heard some of the other rumors going around. This Blog was an interesting read and I thought I'd share it with peeps.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/16/2010 12:49 am
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| Subject: | Revision Exercise: Part 2 -- The Next Step
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Edited by JewelTones on 8/16/2010 12:49 am
Now that everybody has posted their stories and gotten feedback (and don't worry if you didn't make it, you can still do it this week, you'll just have a little less time and more to catch up on), we're on to Part 2!
This week is easy. From 8/16/10 - 8/22/10 you are going to take the comments you received from Part 1 and use them as guides to revise your work (picking and choosing what you agreeing with, of course, an applying it to your work).
You will NOT repost your story this week if you have already done so. But, if you have questions on anything -- be it a specific comment made OR a general question like "I got a comment about POV, I don't understand what makes a POV shift" or "how do you fix passive voice?" -- ask away under this thread group.
If you DID NOT post your story but want to participate? Please do so during this week AND revise it as feedback comes in so you'll be ready when we move on to the next phase after 8/22.
And that's it. Part 2 is easy. :) Work, fiddle, revise.
When we move into Part 3 (starting 8/23), we'll start tackling specific, focused areas for revising.
If anybody has writing areas they feel they are the weakest in that they want to tackle first/early on, please be sure to comment below and let me know.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/9/2010 12:44 am
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| Subject: | 54 Rejections and Then.... (a story)
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Related Link: http://www.politicsdaily.com/2010/08/06/after-54-book-agents-said-no-thanks-james-kings-first-novel/?icid=main
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I think this article goes a long way in addressing how hard it can be to get published and how important it is to keep at it.
JT
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| Name: | donnalee (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/9/2010 3:58 pm
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| Subject: | RE: 54 Rejections and Then.... (a story)
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inspires hope
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/9/2010 12:13 am
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| Subject: | Every Wonder What a Publisher Party @ RWA Nationals Looks Like?
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Body:
Related Link: http://www.bizbash.com/orlando/content/editorial/18870_harlequin_puts_focus_on_photos_at_romance_writers_conference_party.php
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Harlequin threw their annual party during the RWA Nationals this year in Florida, and the event was covered by BizBash.com. The write up is great and the pictures? Wow! Talk about a fun evening!
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/8/2010 12:00 am
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| Subject: | Revision Exercise: Part 1 -- Post Your Stories Here
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Body:
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Edited by JewelTones on 8/8/2010 12:00 am
Once stories have been posted, you can begin commenting. Please remember to check the author's note for specific instruction on feedback type (if any).
Here's what you need to do:
1. Post your piece in a reply to this post. Add whatever title you want.
2. At the top of your post include ANY feedback directions you want. Looking for general feedback? Say so. Just want to know if somebody liked a certain element or if something didn't work for them... or maybe what people thought of a specific element such as, say, sensory detail, dialogue, or maybe POV? Put that right at the top.
NOTE: NO LINE BY LINE CRITS for the Exercise
THEN
Readers/critique peeps...
Give your feedback, keeping in mind the author's crit request. Be constructive, supportive, and helpful.
The goal here is to point out what works and doesn't work and why, not to fix it "for" the author. So if you see Passive voice, point it out, but don't rewrite the sentence. We're aiming to help an author build their revision muscles. Can't do that if somebody else is doing the heavy lifting. Get it?
Authors, that is NOT to say that if you are confused or don't understand something, you shouldn't ask. Always ask for clarification, okay? And we will have an entire week during which we'll work on smoothing out these pieces after our first round of revisions. During that time we can tackle any questions or confusion and get more "hands on" with your piece.
Anywhoo... Helpful Vs. Not Helpful:
"I didn't like this" is not helpful.
"I had problems when the hero did XYZ because..." is specific and helpful.
The goal here is to help guide the writer toward what they need to tighten, polish, and improve for our NEXT revision challenge (we'll start getting into specific revision topics for Parts 2+ of this exercise)
We will read and crit part 1 of this exercise from Saturday, August 8th - Sunday August 15th
***NOTE: If you post a piece to be critiqued, PLEASE be sure to read and give feedback on the other pieces posted. You'll be amazed what you can learn by examining the writing of others PLUS it's a nice give and take and way to get to know the forum members.
Also, if you have not participated in all the parts of the exercise (this is part one) but choose later to join in... please do. You'll just have missed out on some of the fine tuning and will have to a do a bit of catch up revision all at once instead of in layers.
If you have any questions, just holler.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/8/2010 12:40 am
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| Subject: | Saving Grace (tentative title) - 1464 words
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Hey all, whatever you have to offer by way of comments and thoughts are welcome. Passive voice? Telling instead of showing? Something didn't work for you? Something DID work for you? Characterization probs? Grammar? I want to hear whatever you have to say (short of a line-by-line). Looking forward to some feedback to point me in the right direction and looking forward to reading everyone else's entries.
Also note, I'm not sure if these are supposed to be stand alone pieces. So FYI, this one will be part of something larger (novel idea stewing around in my brain)if I choose to puruse it.
Have fun!
***
Saving Grace - 1464
Amante scanned the streets ahead, something had brought him here tonight regardless of the fact that he hadn’t yet fully adjusted to his human cloak. Someone needed him and, almost like a gravitational pull, he found himself drawn to the downtown core, seeking, searching, wondering what adventure he would find.
He sauntered along, a light mist falling and sliding harmlessly off the hide of his long black trench coat, even as it clung in sparkling droplets to his short, spiky hair. Under the streetlights, the combination of ebony hair and water droplets sparkled like black diamonds, catching and reflecting the light.
He glanced across the street again, canvassing the businesses, noting the cheery light and decor of the shops, enticing to anyone out here on the slick streets. Come in for a while, the brightly lit interiors said and whispered promises of temptations big and small.
Amante watched a couple rush into a shoe boutique and he smiled. True love, that, he thought, the man who will go shoe shopping with the woman he loves. He continued on, bringing his attention back to the shops nearest himself.
His breath whooshed out in a heated stream as a strum of power vibrated from the Earth, through his toes and up into his chest. He snapped his head around, looking at the shop he’d stopped in front of.
Hot Pink, the bright sign read and Amante looked past the sign to the window display. He saw bras, panties, silk and lace and fishnet; a lingerie store. As he stood there, in front of the door, he felt the vibration again, transmitted from the ground beneath him, and his lips turned up into a grin as another tremor of tingled in his toes. How befitting.
Amante strode to the door purposefully, grasping the handle and stepping inside in a fluid motion that belied his human exterior. Most humans wouldn’t know the difference. They rarely did. They saw a human, full of grace and presence and called it charisma. What it really was, at least ninety percent of the time, was a paranormal creature cloaked in human flesh. It often surprised him to see how many Others were roaming the streets along with him, unknown to man.
He stood, framed in the doorway, as his eyes adjusted to the lighting. A female form behind the counter slowly took shape as he strode forward. No one else was in the shop.
The woman blinked several times in rapid succession, as if she too was having difficulty seeing. Amante took the opportunity to look around the shop; nothing seemed out of place, nothing that was likely to have created the disturbance he’d felt outside. He shook his head, maybe his senses were just off, maybe he’d been wrong.
No. He knew that wasn’t the case. Something was wrong here. He’d find it.
He looked at the woman behind the counter as she cleared her throat and he felt the breath rush out of his lungs for the second time. She was human, yes; but she was also something more than that. Something he didn’t recognize. He stepped toward the counter and she took a small step back in response. With nowhere to go, a smile turned up her lips and Amante felt the fist around his lungs tighten again. A bit nonplussed by his reaction, he looked away, pulling a deep breath into his lungs.
“Can I help you?” she asked, her voice fluid and warm, it seemed to swirl through the air and across the space between them to flow around him, caressing everywhere it touched. He looked back to her, fighting to keep his surprise from his face as he stepped up to the counter.
“Can I help you?” he asked in response and she shook her head, sending her white-blond hair floating around her shoulders. It caught the light and Amante pulled back as light seemed to flare from the tips and then disappear again as her hair settled back to her shoulders.
“What could you possibly help me with?” she asked, her full lips turning up into a genuine smile this time, instead of the previous polite smile of a retailer welcoming a customer. Amante thought the lighting in the room suddenly brightened in response to her smile.
“I don’t know,” he told her and placed his hands down onto the countertop and shaking his head at her, confusion slipping free this time for her to see. “I was hoping you could tell me.”
Her smile faltered. Perhaps she’d realized that she was alone with a strange man, who was speaking nonsense to her. Perhaps she’d realized his trench coat was something more than mere leather. Perhaps she’d seen beyond the cloak of his human body. He wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.
“I was led here,” he told her and pushed back from the counter to stand tall. “Led here because there is danger of some kind, I just don’t know what form it will take.”
“I think you’d better leave, Mr. . . .” she let the comment hang and he smiled at her as she stood tall, tension keeping her back ramrod straight.
“Amante Dell’Uomo,” he said and offered her his hand. She didn’t move to take it and he chuckled as he let his hand fall back to his side. “You can call me Mannie for convenience sake.”
She stepped out from behind the counter and marched over to the door, pulling it wide open and gesturing toward the street outside. “Please leave.”
Amante’s eyes flashed red as he saw what was on the woman’s back. She stood there, oblivious, looking out into the street but turned to him to gesture again for him to leave. Her mouth was opened, no doubt to ask him to leave again, but she didn’t get the words out as she saw the hungry, almost feral look in Amante’s eyes. She took a couple of stumbling steps back, away from him, as he began to advance.
Amante did not hesitate. He stepped to her and spun her around, pushing her against the door until it closed with a thump and the jingle of the bell over the door. One hand at her neck held her face tightly against the window and his other hand reached up to grasp the small demon on her back.
She struggled beneath him and stomped down on his toes with the pointy heels of her shoes. Pain made him gasp but he managed to keep his grip on her long enough to grasp the demon by the neck and pull it away, a sucking sounds as its mouth was pulled from her skin, extracting the proboscis buried in her flesh between her shoulder blades. With the small demon in hand, he quickly stepped back several paces putting some space between himself and the woman.
She rounded on him, spitting mad, no longer cowering, “Who the Hell do you thi . . .” her angry words fell away to nothingness as she looked at the creature suspended in his hands.
“Mangiatore di anima,” he said in Italian and held his arm out to her so that she could better see the black oily skin, the sharp claws, the sucker-like mouth and the proboscis still dripping with her blood. “Soul eater,” he translated his words into English for her and nodded his head at the little beast. “He’s a hungry fellow.”
“Hungry?” she asked, her voice quavering. Amante thought he could also detect a shake to her hands.
“It was eating your soul,” Amante told her and she blinked slowly, once, twice, before closing her eyes tightly and taking a deep breath.
Amante went to the door then, moving her aside with his free hand as he opened the door and stepped toward the threshold. Her eyes still closed tightly, she flinched when his fingertip rested on her cheek. He left a hot trail down her cheek tracing the single tear that had slipped free.
“I’ll be seeing ya,” he told her quietly and left, a jingle of the overhead bells announcing his departure.
Amante headed out into the night, the eater firmly held in his hand; the world blind to their passing.
“Wait!” her voice called out behind him and he heard the click of her heels on the sidewalk as she ran after him. Amante wanted to turn, to drink in her beauty, but he did not. Instead, he tapped into the thrum of power beneath him and was gone.
He’d see her again, he thought. Definitely. She’d taken his breath away. He anticipated their next encounter with a great yearning, a hunger of his own. She was something special. Yes, he’d be seeing her. How could he not?
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/11/2010 4:55 pm
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| Subject: | Crit: Saving Grace (tentative title) - 1464 words
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Body:
Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.59 (Why?)
Hey Sass! Ok, so by your opening comments, looks like you're looking for just about everything, so I'll give my impressions as I'm going along. :) If you have questions, let me know. Comments are in blue, changes/typos/etc in red. Deletions in strikethrough
JT
Saving Grace - 1464
Amante scanned the streets ahead. Something had brought him here tonight regardless of the fact that he hadn't yet fully adjusted to his human cloak. Someone needed him and, almost like a gravitational pull, he found himself drawn to the downtown core, seeking, searching, wondering what adventure he would find.
You mentioned this might be part of a larger piece if you decide to pursue it, so I'm not sure if this is your opening paragraph or not. I'm assuming it isn't and is more a "scene from" kind of deal. First thing I notice is that it seems kind of tellingish. Something brought him here. Someone needed him. You get more into the show-ness of it by saying he feels it like a gravitational pull but we (as the reader) don't feel that gravitational pull. It's not a heavy weight of anxiety or a adrenaline spike of anticipation mixed with caution that we feel. We don't know *how* the gravitational pull is affecting him other than drawing him to the downtown core or if it, say, hypes up his senses so that... what? The music is too loud? to dimmed? The smell of XYZ too heavy or are all the senses heightened? Empty street, crowded street? Of course you may get to that in the next paragraphs below. Let's find out...
He sauntered along, a light mist falling and sliding harmlessly off the hide of his long black trench coat, even as it clung in sparkling droplets to his short, spiky hair. Under the streetlights, the combination of ebony hair and water droplets sparkled like black diamonds, catching and reflecting the light.
Ah ha. Okay so our streets are a bit more lonely, and its raining. Good description on the mist sliding off his coat. Not overly fond of the word "sauntered" but that's just me. Personal word choice and all that. I also think -- given that the bit about the mist falling and sliding is a long phrase -- I'd think about making that whole sentence 2 sentences. Also, does "mist" imply "light"? Or is there a heavy mist and a light mist? Hm. You'll have to let us know what Perspective you're aiming for in the scene as well. A Deep 3rd Person POV or something a little lighter?
He glanced across the street again, canvassing the businesses, noting the cheery light and decor of the shops, enticing to anyone out here on the slick streets. Come in for a while, the brightly lit interiors said and whispered promises of temptations big and small.
Long sentence there as well. One of the tell-tale signs of flash. LOL. I recognize it well. AKA I do it ALL the time! *G*
Amante watched a couple rush into a shoe boutique and he smiled. True love, that, he thought, the man who will go shoe shopping with the woman he loves. He continued on, bringing his attention back to the shops nearest himself.
Okay not that the couple (for now) is that important, but it's a good example of distancing the reader from the action and telling us about things/events rather than letting us see it. Like... A couple rushed by and into the shoe boutique. Amanta smiled. Ah, now that was true love: the man willing to go shoe shopping with his woman. Amante adjusted the collar of his jacket and continued on, turning his attention to the shop windows at his elbow. Or whatever. Hopefully you see what I mean. Sometimes I think a good "he thought" drop is needed for pacing and all that, but I think for the most part it can get dropped so the reader hears the thoughts direct for themselves. JMHO.
His breath whooshed out in a heated stream as a strum of power vibrated from the Earth, through his toes and up into his chest. He snapped his head around, looking at the shop he’d stopped in front of.
That sentence lost me and I *think* it's because you had the reaction AFTER the cause. You might flip it for clarity.
Hot Pink, the bright sign read and Amante looked past the sign to the window display. He saw bras, panties, silk and lace and fishnet; a lingerie store. As he stood there, in front of the door, he felt the vibration again, transmitted from the ground beneath him, and his lips turned up into a grin as another tremor of tingled in his toes. How befitting.
Keep an eye on how long your sentences are, how you're grouping phrases/running them together, and if the meaning/action/description you're trying to convey are getting jumbled together. You've got some great tactile descriptions but they seem to weaken when they're linked together so many at a time in one line. Also, the "He saw bras, panties, silk and lace..." is worded such that (to me) it leans toward telling. Telling isn't necessarily bad ALL the time, but in this instance, I think a nice show would be good. Like... ...Amante looked past the sign ot the window display. Bras, panties, silk and lace and fishnet yadda yadda yadda whatever it is the display is under the glow of the pink neon sign across the street." You don't have to tell us its a lingerie store because you did a great job of picking specific details (the bras and panties and fishnet) to let us, as the reader, conclude that for ourself. :) Good concrete details, btw. Accurate naming instead of just saying "lingerie in the window" or "undergarments in the window." You went totally specific. Big Plus.
Amante strode to the door purposefully, grasping the handle and stepping inside in a fluid motion that belied his human exterior. Most humans wouldn’t know the difference. They rarely did. They saw a human, full of grace and presence, and called it charisma. What it really was, at least ninety percent of the time, was a paranormal creature cloaked in human flesh. It often surprised him to see how many Others were roaming the streets along with him, unknown to man.
I think you need a comma there. I'm not always the person to ask on that one. LOL. Here's a good instance, I think, of were you can strip out a passive voice creator (in this instance "were roaming") and not lose anything by simply making the "were roaming" a simple "roamed." It often surprised him to see how many Others roamed the streets with him, unknown to man. Or even The Others that roamed the street with him, unknown to man, often surprised him. You just have to play with the order of the subject and object to see which you like best.
He stood, framed in the doorway, as his eyes adjusted to the lighting. A female form behind the counter slowly took shape as he strode forward. No one else was in the shop.
Questions. Is the store closed? It seems late at night and nobody around. Granted, that could be weather related, but I'm not sure yet. And the lighting remark. He's coming in out of the dark and his eyes have to adjust to the lighting because....? There isn't any or because it's too bright? I can see if it's too dark, but too bright? Hmm. That one was a bit of a puzzler as a reader. I think perhaps, instead of telling us that there is no one in the shop you can let us conclude that via what the woman is doing (calculating receipts, refolding stuff that's already perfectly folded, whatever) and having her respond to the sound of the bell with some kind of comment.
The woman blinked several times in rapid succession, as if she too was having difficulty seeing. Amante took the opportunity to look around the shop; nothing seemed out of place, nothing that was likely to have created the disturbance he’d felt outside. He shook his head, maybe his senses were just off, maybe he’d been wrong.
No. He knew that wasn’t the case. Something was wrong here. He’d find it.
Another instance of telling us. We don't get to see the shop for ourselves and judged, through detail, whether something is amiss or not. You tell us everything looks fine AND his reaction to that. It's parts like this that allow us to get inside the character's head and HEAR his voice and get to know his character. How does he know something is wrong? What feelings are being brought forth? What's he noticing that makes him feel this way?
He looked at the woman behind the counter as she cleared her throat and he felt the breath rush out of his lungs for the second time. She was human, yes; but she was also something more than that. Something he didn’t recognize. He stepped toward the counter and she took a small step back in response. With nowhere to go, a smile turned up her lips and Amante felt the fist around his lungs tighten again. A bit nonplussed by his reaction, he looked away, pulling a deep breath into his lungs.
“Can I help you?” she asked, her voice fluid and warm, it seemed to swirl through the air and across the space between them to flow around him, caressing everywhere it touched. He looked back to her, fighting to keep his surprise from his face as he stepped up to the counter.
Keep an eye on how you're structuring your sentences. You've got a lot of He does this Comma --ing phrase. Also keep an eye on those long sentences again. Also, vagueness in the "it" form. "It seemed to swirl through the air" what is the it? Her voice? The fluid? The warm?
“Can I help you?” he asked in response and she shook her head, sending her white-blond hair floating around her shoulders. It caught the light and Amante pulled back as light seemed to flare from the tips and then disappear again as her hair settled back to her shoulders.
watch out for repetitious word use.
“What could you possibly help me with?” she asked, her full lips turning up into a genuine smile this time, instead of the previous polite smile of a retailer welcoming a customer. Amante thought the lighting in the room suddenly brightened in response to her smile.
I like the bit about the polite smile of a retailer welcoming a customer. Perhaps you can use that when he first enters the shop and meets her. Have her use the polite smile of a retailer with him and then, when you hit this section, have it turn warmer and more "real." You don't have to necessarily come out and explain that HERE it was "fake" but HERE it wasn't the fake smile from before. I think through his observations of the type of smile (or the relaxation of said smile) we'll understand some of the formality has bled away. Though I'm not sure about her reaction when he says "Can I help you?" in the paragraph above. You have her shake her head and then relax and smile and say "what could you help me with?" I think I might try to find a middle ground. See what YOU do when you put yourself in her shoes of answering that question and then use those details for her reaction.
“I don’t know,” he told her and placed his hands down onto the countertop and shaking his head at her, confusion slipping free this time for her to see. “I was hoping you could tell me.”
Her smile faltered. Perhaps she’d realized that she was alone with a strange man, who was speaking nonsense to her. Perhaps she’d realized his trench coat was something more than mere leather. Perhaps she’d seen beyond the cloak of his human body. He wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.
Why wouldn't he be surprised? I thought nobody did?
“I was led here,” he told her and pushed back from the counter to stand tall. “Led here because there is danger of some kind, I just don’t know what form it will take.”
uhhhhh.... security!?
“I think you’d better leave, Mr. . . .” she let the comment hang and he smiled at her as she stood tall, tension keeping her back ramrod straight.
LOL! Smart girl. Okay. I think I'd shuffle the reaction BEFORE the comment. Have her straighten, have the tension turn her spine ramrod straight, etc. And I don't know... would you be so formal if some crazy came in in the middle of the night talking whacko by calling him Mister?
“Amante Dell’Uomo,” he said and offered her his hand. She didn’t move to take it and he chuckled as he let his hand fall back to his side. “You can call me Mannie for convenience sake.”
Riiiiiiiight. 911. 911! And chuckling makes him sound even crazier. Crazy Train!
She stepped out from behind the counter and marched over to the door, pulling it wide open and gesturing toward the street outside. “Please leave.”
There ya go. Smart girl. Though she might try a softer "we're closing" tactic earlier on and then lead up to the Get Out! moment
Amante’s eyes flashed red as he saw what was on the woman’s back. She stood there, oblivious, looking out into the street but turned to him to gesture again for him to leave. Her mouth was opened, no doubt to ask him to leave again, but she didn’t get the words out s she saw the hungry, almost feral look in Amante’s eyes. She took a couple of stumbling steps back, away from him, as he began to advance.
Amante did not hesitate. He stepped to her and spun her around, pushing her against the door until it closed with a thump and the jingle of the bell over the door. One hand at her neck held her face tightly against the window and his other hand reached up to grasp the small demon on her back.
Whoa. Okay. Mace time! Knee to the crotch! Ok the bolded line there is to mark a perspective shift. Through this scene you've stayed in his perspective -- only showing us, letting us see, smell, taste, etc., only what HE does. With that bolded section you have now switched to her perspective because we are now in HER head "seeing" Amante's feral look. It's not "wrong" per say if you're going to continue on in her POV for the rest of the scene, but I just wanted you to be aware you switched just in case it's an inadvertent switch because with the next line (Amante did not hesitate) you're back in Amante's POV. So that's a classic instance of VERY short term (1/2 a phrase) head hopping.
She struggled beneath him and stomped down on his toes with the pointy heels of her shoes. Pain made him gasp but he managed to keep his grip on her long enough to grasp the demon by the neck and pull it away, a sucking sounds as its mouth was pulled from her skin, extracting the proboscis buried in her flesh between her shoulder blades. With the small demon in hand, he quickly stepped back several paces putting some space between himself and the woman.
Ooooooh I like this idea! Okay NOW I get where you're going with this. Interesting.
She rounded on him, spitting mad, no longer cowering, “Who the Hell do you thi . . .” her angry words fell away to nothingness as she looked at the creature suspended in his hands.
“Mangiatore di anima,” he said in Italian and held his arm out to her so that she could better see the black oily skin, the sharp claws, the sucker-like mouth and the proboscis still dripping with her blood. “Soul eater,” he translated his words into English for her and nodded his head at the little beast. “He’s a hungry fellow.”
“Hungry?” she asked, her voice quavering. Amante thought he could also detect a shake to her hands.
“It was eating your soul,” Amante told her and she blinked slowly, once, twice, before closing her eyes tightly and taking a deep breath.
Amante went to the door then, moving her aside with his free hand as he opened the door and stepped toward the threshold. Her eyes still closed tightly, she flinched when his fingertip rested on her cheek. He left a hot trail down her cheek tracing the single tear that had slipped free.
Oh yeah, this scene is definitely going to evolve into something much longer and richer as you revise. You've got some great bones here that will I think really shine when you get to work in some great narrative, sensory details, etc. It'll be tricky though because it's going to be one of those scenes you have to play with to get it to be what you want. Trial and error. But yeah, this could be very cool!
“I’ll be seeing ya,” he told her quietly and left, a jingle of the overhead bells announcing his departure.
Question: is she the heroine or just some chick being used to introduce Amante to us? If she's the heroine, you'll definitely want them to spend more time together in this scene.
Amante headed out into the night, the eater firmly held in his hand; the world blind to their passing.
“Wait!” her voice called out behind him and he heard the click of her heels on the sidewalk as she ran after him. Amante wanted to turn, to drink in her beauty, but he did not. Instead, he tapped into the thrum of power beneath him and was gone.
Gone. Gone.... flying? Gone invisible? Gone shifting dimensions? How "gone"?
He’d see her again, he thought. Definitely. She’d taken his breath away. He anticipated their next encounter with a great yearning, a hunger of his own. She was something special. Yes, he’d be seeing her. How could he not?
You have a totally great scene potential to really ramp up the sexual tension between the two because at the closing of the chapter it's clear she's going to be the love interest. Obviously this is something written very quickly (per the guidelines of the exercise) but drawing out all the lovely details and tension between them will really demonstrate just how much a good revision can chip away our rough edges to show that hidden beauty inside. This one is going to be fun!
Like I said, if you have questions about any of my comments, just ask.
JT
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| Name: | sinsational (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/13/2010 3:25 pm
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| Subject: | RE: Saving Grace (tentative title) - 1464 words
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Body:
Poster's IP address: 24.224.189.59 (Why?)
ALL COMMENTS ARE JUST MY OPINION! comments in caps!
Amante <—LOVE THE NAME! DID YOU KNOW THAT IT MEANS LOVING?scanned the streets ahead, something had brought him here tonight regardless of the fact that he hadn’t yet fully adjusted to his human cloak. Someone needed him and, almost like a gravitational pull, he found himself drawn to the downtown core, seeking, searching, wondering what adventure he would find. SEEMS TO ME HE’D BE A LITTLE HESITANT TO SEARCH...BUT THEN MAYBE HIS NEED TO HELP IS WHAT IS DRIVING HIM.
He sauntered along, a light mist falling and sliding harmlessly off the hide of his long black trench coat, even as it clung in sparkling droplets to his short, spiky hair.<—LOVE THE CHARACTERISTIC HERE Under the streetlights, the combination of ebony hair and water droplets sparkled like black diamonds, catching and reflecting the light.
He glanced across the street again, canvassing the businesses, noting the cheery light and decor of the shops, enticing to anyone out here on the slick streets. Come in for a while, the brightly lit interiors said and whispered promises of temptations big and small.
Amante watched a couple rush into a shoe boutique and he smiled. True love, that, he thought, the man who will go shoe shopping with the woman he loves. He continued on, bringing his attention back to the shops nearest himself.
His breath whooshed out in a heated stream as a strum of power vibrated from the Earth, through his toes and up into his chest. He snapped his head around, looking at the shop he’d stopped in front of.<–SO THE HEAT WAS LIKE A WARNING? LIKE A NUDGE, SORT OF?
Hot Pink, the bright sign read and Amante looked past the sign to the window display. He saw bras, panties, silk and lace and fishnet; a lingerie store. As he stood there, in front of the door<–I THINK I’D TAKE OUT ‘IN FRONT OF THE DOOR’, he felt the vibration again, transmitted from the ground beneath him, and his lips turned up into a grin as another tremor of tingled in his toes. <---TINGLED HIS TOES How befitting.
Amante strode to the door purposefully<—WITH PURPOSE, graspingGRASPED the handle and steppingSTEPPED inside in a fluid motion that belied his human exterior. Most humans wouldn’t know the difference. They rarely did. They saw a human, full of grace and presence and called it charisma. What it really was, at least ninety percent of the time, was a paranormal creature cloaked in human flesh.<—GREAT! It often surprised him to see how many Others were roaming the streets along with him, unknown to man.
He stood, framed in the doorway, as his eyes adjusted to the lighting. A female form behind the counter slowly took shape as he strode forward.<–I’d REWORD THAT LAST LINE. WHEN I FIRST READ IT I THOUGHT YOU MEANT SHE WAS SOMETHING ELSE, BUT THEN SHIFTED WHEN SHE SAW HIM No one else was in the shop.
The woman blinked several times in rapid succession, as if she too was having difficulty seeing. Amante took the opportunity to look around the shop; nothing seemed out of place, nothing that was likely to have created the disturbance he’d felt outside. He shook his head, maybe his senses were just<—REMOVE ‘JUST’ off, maybe he’d been wrong.
No. He knew that wasn’t the case. Something was wrong here. He’d find it.
He looked at the woman behind the counter as she cleared her throat and he felt the breath rush out of his lungs for the second time. She was human, yes; but she was also something more than that. Something he didn’t recognize. He stepped toward the counter and she took a small step back in response. With nowhere to go, a smile turned up her lips and Amante felt the fist around his lungs tighten again. A bit nonplussed by his reaction, he looked away, pulling a deep breath into his lungs.
“Can I help you?” she asked, her voice fluid and warm, it seemed to swirl through the air and across the space between them to flow around him, caressing everywhere it touched. He looked back to her, fighting to keep his surprise from his face as he stepped up to the counter.
“Can I help you?” he asked in response and she shook her head, sending her white-blond hair floating around her shoulders. It caught the light and Amante pulled back as light seemed to flare from the tips and then disappear again as her hair settled back to her shoulders. HE HAS AN OVER ACTIVE IMAGINATION...LOL
“What could you possibly help me with?” she asked, her full lips turning up into a genuine smile this time, instead of the previous polite smile of a retailer welcoming a customer. Amante thought the lighting in the room suddenly brightened in response to her smile.
“I don’t know,” he told her and placed his hands down onto the countertop and shaking his head at her, confusion slipping free this time for her to see. “I was hoping you could tell me.”
Her smile faltered. Perhaps she’d realized that she was alone with a strange man, who was speaking nonsense to her. Perhaps she’d realized his trench coat was something more than mere leather. Perhaps she’d seen beyond the cloak of his human body. He wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.
“I was led here,” he told her and pushed back from the counter to stand tall. “Led here because there is danger of some kind, I just don’t know what form it will take.”
“I think you’d better leave, Mr. . . .” she let the comment hang and he smiled at her as she stood tall, tension keeping her back ramrod straight.
“Amante Dell’Uomo,” he said and offered her his hand. She didn’t move to take it and he chuckled as he let his hand fall back to his side. “You can call me Mannie for convenience sake.”
She stepped out from behind the counter and marched over to the door, pullingPULLED it wide open and gesturingGESTURED toward the street outside. “Please leave.”
Amante’s eyes flashed red as he saw what was on the woman’s back. She stood there, oblivious, looking out into the street but turned to him to gesture again for him to leave. Her mouth was opened, no doubt to ask him to leave again, but she didn’t get the words out as she saw the hungry, almost feral look in Amante’s eyes. She took a couple of stumbling steps back, away from him, as he began to advance.
Amante did not hesitate. He stepped to her and spun her around, pushing her against the door until it closed with a thump and the jingle of the bell over the door. One hand at her neck held her face tightly against the window and his other hand reached up to grasp the small demon on her back<—WHOA THAT WAS COOL SURPRISE!.
She struggled beneath him and stomped down on his toes with the pointy heels of her shoes. Pain made him gasp but he managed to keep his grip on her long enough to grasp the demon by the neck and pull it away, a sucking sounds,—MAYBE REWORD THIS: IT MADE A SUCKING SOUND as its mouth was pulled from her skin, extracting the proboscis buried in her flesh between her shoulder blades. With the small demon in hand, he quickly stepped back several paces putting some space between himself and the woman.
She rounded on him, spitting mad, no longer cowering, “Who the Hell do you thi . . .” her angry words fell away to nothingness as she looked at the creature suspended in his hands.
“Mangiatore di anima,” he said in Italian and held his arm out to her so that she could better see the black oily skin, the sharp claws, the sucker-like mouth and the proboscis still dripping with her blood. “Soul eater,” he translated his words into English for her and nodded his head at the little beast. “He’s a hungry fellow.”
“Hungry?” she asked, her voice quavering. Amante thought he could also detect a shake to her hands.
“It was eating your soul,” Amante told her and she blinked slowly, once, twice, before closing her eyes tightly and taking a deep breath.<—I WOULD IMAGINE...I’D BE HYPOVENTALATING(AND I’M SURE I SPELLED THAT WRONG)
Amante went to the door then, moving her aside with his free hand as he opened the door and stepped toward the threshold. Her eyes still closed tightly, she flinched when his fingertip rested on her cheek.<—I’D REWARD THE DEGINNING OF THIS PARAGRAPH. MAYBE HAVE HER FLINCH THE SECOND HE TOUCHES HER. He left a hot trail down her cheek tracing(AS HE TRACED OR WHEN HE TRACED) (HOWEVER IT DOES SEEM TO BE A POV SWITCH.) the single tear that had slipped free.
“I’ll be seeing ya,” he told her quietly and left, a jingle of the overhead bells announcing his departure.
Amante headed out into the night, the eater firmly held in his hand; the world blind to their passing.
“Wait!” her voice called out behind him and he heard the click of her heels on the sidewalk as she ran after him. Amante wanted to turn, to drink in her beauty, but he did not. Instead, he tapped into the thrum of power beneath him and was gone.
He’d see her again, he thought. Definitely. She’d taken his breath away. He anticipated their next encounter with a great yearning, a hunger of his own. She was something special. Yes, he’d be seeing her. How could he not?
I’M ANXIOUS TO SEE IF THEY ACTUALLY BECOME ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED. I LOVED THIS STORY! THANKS FOR SHARING
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/14/2010 7:26 am
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| Subject: | Rhoda.......Amante....
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.169.180 (Why?)
Edited by sass on 8/14/2010 7:26 am
I haven't even read the whole crit yet, just the first line. Yes, I know amante means lover. It's Italian and his entire name means "lover of man/lover of mankind". I changed the spelling alittle tiny bit but the meaning is still there. ;-)
I didn't the same thing with Raven's Wing. Asa do Corvo (my characters name) means "raven's wing". ;-)
Corny but it's fun anyway. lol
Now to read the rest....
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| Name: | sinsational (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/9/2010 6:48 pm
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| Subject: | Lanery Eden (1407 words)
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Edited by sinsational on 8/9/2010 6:48 pm
This was originally over 1600 words. I had to cut back a lot, and it feels like I've ruined it. I know it's full of mistakes... too tired to read it over again. Any comments both good and bad are appreciated.
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Mizrae Ward was not in the mood for apple pie. As she watched the old farm house fade behind her, she seriously considered tossing them from the car into the nearest ditch. She felt certain that if there was a quota to the amount of apple pie one could consume in their lifetime she’d reached it about three days ago. She turned the air conditioner on and pulled her long blond hair off the nape of her neck, securing it with a hot pink clip.
The smell of the pies filled the car, and made her stomach lurch violently threatening to spill its contents–apple pie and tea–all over her lap. Seven days of apple pie had been six days too many. Now here she was heading back to the city with one pie for herself, one for each of her three brothers, one for her sister, and two for her Dad.
It had begun to sprinkle, and the sky had darkened to a greenish tint. According to the radio thunder was expected and high winds later in the evening. She gripped the steering wheel and willed her stomach to calm. But as she rounded the corner of Vickory farm just minutes down the road from her grandparents home, and remembered Landon Vickory, her stomach contents swayed.
The smell of the pies in the backseat wafted up to tease her nose and she knew she was going to be sick. Pulling to the side of the road she rolled the window down and turned her head to catch the breeze. Rain peppered her face.
The smell of manure mingled with the smell of the pies and she gagged. The first trace of bile burned the back of her throat and she pulled from the car, running toward the fence. Landon’s fence, she thought, as she brought up the previous apple pie her grandma had served her. She’d spent seven days avoiding him, but nearly every minute of those seven days looking for him.
The cows didn’t even look up from their grazing as she wretched and gaged.
There was no way she could drive another minute with the scent of apples in her car. Wiping the back of her hand over her mouth, she looked at the cows about twenty paces away and suddenly had the perfect solution to her pie-dilemma. Yanking open the back door to her car she pulled out the stack of pies and ran back to the fence. The aluminum foil on the top of the first couple of pies was still warm, but the rain cooled it as it plopped down on the top one and found its way into the air-slits Grandma Ward had made in them so they could 'breath'.
Pulling the foil from the first pie she poised to throw it. “Come and get some pie, Bessy,” she called over the fence– to no cow in particular. She heaved it as hard as she could, aluminum plate and all. It fell about ten feet from the herd. They all clambered around the pie and it was gone in seconds. “Hold on I have more.” She yelled and raised her hand to toss another one.
With the pie extended over her head she looked out over the pasture, and that’s when she saw it. A funnel shaped cloud stretching down to earth. She tossed the second pie through the air and it landed close to the now empty aluminum plate of the first one. But the cows weren’t interested, in fact they were mooing loudly and heading away from her. That’s when she heard the first rumble of thunder.
Her hair suddenly shot back as a huge gust of wind swept across the pasture, and she had to stagger to keep upright.
In the distance she could hear the steady chugging of a train– although she knew there were no trains in Liverpool. Her hair flew about her head. Within the noise of the wind she could hear someone yelling. “Run, Misery.” Only one person called her that and she hadn’t seen him in almost ten years. She wanted to turn around and run to him, but she could see the clouds over the pasture begin to rotate, and knew she better listen to what he was telling her.
Could this really be happening? This was Liverpool. Stuff like this didn’t happen here.
“Misery, run to Lanery Eden, quick.”
She shot her head in the direction of the voice. Lanery Eden was an underpass beneath a small road that separated Raymond Wards farm from Vickory farm. It had become a rendezvous place for her and Landon when they were teenagers and forbidden to see each other. In an effort to keep her away from him, she’d been warned not to go on their land. At Lanery Eden she was somewhere in between.
With the five remaining pies in her arms she jumped the low fence and ran to her left toward Lanery Eden.
The loud howling of the wind and the chugging sound of a train engine were getting closer; the rotating cloud bigger. She felt the grass whipping at her ankles as she ran and had a quick memory of the grass tickling her cheek when she and Landon had lain there as teenagers.
That was the dreaded summer he’d told her Charlotte Erickson was having his baby. Her pace faltered for a moment and she nearly stumbled. The loud chug-chugging, of what she now realized could only be a tornado, filled her ears. Her arms still wrapped around the pies, she managed to stay on her feet. Lanery Eden was visible at only several strides away. A bit darker than she remembered like it was night on the Raymond Ward farm.
She tried to run faster, but the wind seemed to be holding her back, trying to suck her into its chaos. If she were having this hard a job running then it must be far worse for Landon behind her. “Landon, where are you?” She ran backwards as bests she could as she scanned the field for Landon.
The funnel cloud was darker now as loose hay, rocks, and dirt mingled within it. She could see Landon just before the cloud, his lean frame silhouetted against the cloud. The pies felt heavier in her arms now. Almost as soon as she’d seen him he was beside her, but he didn’t stop. Instead he grabbed her hand and yanked her into Lanery Eden.
They fell to the ground inside the underpass, and Mizrae dropped the pies down beside her. The wind screamed even louder as it circled around the mouth of the underpass.
“Shit, that happened fast.” Landon said from behind her.
“A tornado?” She could feel him up against her and tried to forget the feel of his skin on hers.
“Yeah.” His hands rested on her shoulders and ran down the length of her arms.“Are you okay?”
“In Liverpool?” His hands dropped from her shoulders and she suddenly felt cold.
“Rare, but it’s happened before.”
“I’ve been listening to the radio and there was no tornado warning at all. Just a strong wind advisory, but nothing about a tornado.” She turned to him.
His hair was longer now. His jaw-line chiseled. And his shoulders wider. He’d been handsome in his boy-years but as a man he was downright sexy. When she lifted her eyes to look at him, she gasped. A scar ran down his left eye and across most of his cheek, and the left eye was a milky white.
Her forehead furrowed and she reached out to him. “What happened?”
But as soon as her question was out they heard the a loud thump, and everything went black. That’s when she realized that the other side was rendered unusable prior to the tornado, and she wondered why.
He must have felt her trembling, because he reached forward and drew her into his arms, pies and all. “We’re going to be okay,” he reassured her. “Jeb and Rusty both know I’m in the field today.”
“But we don’t know the damage outside. We could be buried in here for hours, and how much time before the oxygen runs out?”
His arms tightened around her. “Don’t panic. I’m going to make sure I get you out of here.” His hands dropped to the pies she held. “Look on the bright side, at least we have food.”
Mizrae groaned.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/11/2010 5:35 pm
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| Subject: | Crit: Lanery Eden (1407 words)
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.59 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 8/11/2010 5:35 pm
Sin, feel free to post the full 1600 words if you want. Hell, mine was over the 1400 and I know it's nowhere near the end of the revision yet. But then I tend to ramble and go long in first drafts and then start trimming. LOL. So don't worry about 1600 words. The 1400 reference was more a guideline than a rule.
Comments in blue. Changes/typos/etc in red. Deletion is marked by strikethrough. If you have questions on anything I say, just ask. :)
JT
Mizrae Ward was not in the mood for apple pie. As she watched the old farm house fade behind her, she seriously considered tossing them from the car into the nearest ditch. She felt certain that if there was a quota to the amount of apple pie one could consume in their lifetime she’d reached it about three days ago. She turned the air conditioner on and pulled her long blond hair off the nape of her neck, securing it with a hot pink clip.
Are we talking mini pies or those pocket pies? I see "apple pie" in the first sentence and (besides now wanting pie) I run into the "them from the car" and pause because pie is singular, them is plural. It could probably be solved (since I just read the paragraph below and saw "pies" referenced) by changing the "them" to something more specific like.. she seriously considered tossing the bakery boxes piled high in the backseat into the nearest ditch.
The smell of the pies filled the car, and made her stomach lurch violently threatening to spill its contents–apple pie and tea–all over her lap. Seven days of apple pie had been six days too many. Now here she was heading back to the city with one pie for herself, one for each of her three brothers, one for her sister, and two for her Dad.
Excellent place for some sensory detail. "The smell of pie" how does apple pie smell? Are we talking Granny Smith? Red Delicious? Does she even KNOW the difference between the two? Cause that goes a long way toward characterization as well. But what about... sugar? Cinnamon? Specific is always good, especially when it comes to something universal liked baked apples. I think everybody has had some backed apple dessert they can relate to here with universal smells. Interesting, however, that you have the smell sickening her. I'm curious about that because most people find the smell comforting. I've bolded all the "pie" usages though. There's a lot of them. LOL. And I'm still interested to see why the focus on the pies is so important to the scene.
It had begun to sprinkle, and the sky had darkened to a greenish tint. According to the radio thunder was expected and high winds later in the evening. She gripped the steering wheel and willed her stomach to calm. But as she rounded the corner of Vickory farm just minutes down the road from her grandparents home, and remembered Landon Vickory, her stomach contents swayed.
The smell of the pies in the backseat wafted up to tease her nose and she knew she was going to be sick. Pulling to the side of the road she rolled the window down and turned her head to catch the breeze. Rain peppered her face.
I think I'd pick other action words for the scent of the pie. Things waft and tease when they normally smell good. But sickening smells? They need more negative words to really make us feel how she feels. Try swapping those out for some real stomach rollers and see how that goes. Also, the description of the coming storm might be misplaced in the flow of the scene. It seems like we can find out its raining via description/action like tossing back her hood, turning on her windshield wipers and headlights, sneaking a peak at the sky that has turned from grey to green sometime while she was inside doing XYZ.
The smell of manure mingled with the smell of the pies and she gagged. The first trace of bile burned the back of her throat and she pulled from the car, running toward the fence. Landon’s fence, she thought, as she brought up the previous apple pie her grandma had served her. She’d spent seven days avoiding him, but nearly every minute of those seven days looking for him.
Oh rock on! Now that's what I'm talking about. MMmMmmmmmmmm Mm. Warm apple pie and cow shit. Yummmmy. Blah! Poor thing, heaving over the fence. Now if she is leaning over it, puking her guts out, a good way to show she's made it there would be to have her lean over the fence, have the wood details (is it worn and badly painted, new and smooth and fresh?) against her stomach, her palms, etc., to let us feel the texture as she throws up. And I think I might (depending on the characterization and the types of words/way she would think) change the "brought up" to a more plain "throw up" or "puke" or "vomit." Depends on the kinds of words her character would think as she's doing it. I'm a puke girl. A hurl girl. I don't think "brought up," but maybe she does. Only you know that right now.
The cows didn’t even look up from their grazing as she wretched and gagged.
There was no way she could drive another minute with the scent of apples in her car. Wiping the back of her hand over her mouth, she looked at the cows about twenty paces away and suddenly had the perfect solution to her pie-dilemma. Yanking open the back door to her car, she pulled out the stack of pies and ran back to the fence. The aluminum foil on the top of the first couple of pies was still warm, but the rain cooled it as it plopped down on the top one and found its way into the air-slits Grandma Ward had made in them so they could 'breath'.
Pulling the foil from the first pie she poised to throw it. “Come and get some pie, Bessy,” she called over the fence– to no cow in particular. She heaved it as hard as she could, aluminum plate and all. It fell about ten feet from the herd. They all clambered around the pie and it was gone in seconds. “Hold on I have more,” she yelled and raised her hand to toss another one.
Hurl it like a frisbee. She'll get better distance. ;)
With the pie extended over her head she looked out over the pasture, and that’s when she saw it. A funnel shaped cloud stretching down to earth. She tossed the second pie through the air and it landed close to the now empty aluminum plate of the first one. But the cows weren’t interested, in fact they were mooing loudly and heading away from her. That’s when she heard the first rumble of thunder.
Her hair suddenly shot back as a huge gust of wind swept across the pasture, and she had to stagger to keep upright.
Hmm. Now I'm no tornado expert BUT the ones I've seen are usually proceeded by a very strong storm. Very high winds, lots of rain and lightning. Then the trees start to bend. And I mean BEND. Boughs touching the ground bend. And then... it all goes quiet. Deathly. Utterly. Still. The sky goes that funky green... and then BAM! it all comes racing back -- wind, rain, more wind, hail.... and you know a funnel is in the area.
In the distance she could hear the steady chugging of a train– although she knew there were no trains in Liverpool. Her hair flew about her head. Within the noise of the wind she could hear someone yelling. “Run, Misery.” Only one person called her that and she hadn’t seen him in almost ten years. She wanted to turn around and run to him, but she could see the clouds over the pasture begin to rotate, and knew she better listen to what he was telling her.
Cloud rotation comes first THEN the funnel cloud starts to form and starts to lower out of the sky. So I'd flip those 2 details. In fact, hail might be the first warning sign of this whole thing. But those are research facts easily looked up. Like I said, I'm no expert. But ha! He showed up. I wondered when he would. :) And I'd take that line about her hair flying around her head (which seems awkward to me) and make it super specific like... it flies in her eyes, blinding her, whips around her face, the long, normally silky tendrils now like little whips stinging her cheeks, etc., you get the idea.
Could this really be happening? This was Liverpool. Stuff like this didn’t happen here.
“Misery, run to Lanery Eden, quick.”
She shot her head in the direction of the voice. Lanery Eden was an underpass beneath a small road that separated Raymond Wards farm from Vickory farm. It had become a rendezvous place for her and Landon when they were teenagers and forbidden to see each other. In an effort to keep her away from him, she’d been warned not to go on their land. At Lanery Eden she was somewhere in between.
With the five remaining pies in her arms she jumped the low fence and ran to her left toward Lanery Eden.
Pies again. LOL.
The loud howling of the wind and the chugging sound of a train engine were getting closer; the rotating cloud bigger. She felt the grass whipping at her ankles as she ran and had a quick memory of the grass tickling her cheek when she and Landon had lain there as teenagers.
Loud howling is a great example of how you can take 2 descriptors and try to find one really strong one. So what's another word for Loud howling? Roar? Scream? shrieked?
That was the dreaded summer he’d told her Charlotte Erickson was having his baby. Her pace faltered for a moment and she nearly stumbled. The loud chug-chugging, of what she now realized could only be a tornado, filled her ears. Her arms still wrapped around the pies, she managed to stay on her feet. Lanery Eden was visible at only several strides away. A bit darker than she remembered like it was night on the Raymond Ward farm.
Dude, I'd have dropped the pies. One thought I did have as you bring up the past was, I could totally see her running toward this overpass, which I would also describe more, and as she's running to it think that this was just like when she ran toward it XYZ years ago... when he told her about Charlotte Erickson. Told her... "It's my baby." Then have her stagger and almost fall. I think the merging of past and present via common action might be a neat way to go.
She tried to run faster, but the wind seemed to be holding her back, trying to suck her into its chaos. If she were having this hard a job running then it must be far worse for Landon behind her. “Landon, where are you?” She ran backwards as bests she could as she scanned the field for Landon.
Ran backwards seems awkward. Maybe just have her stop and turn and see him as you do below (watch that double cloud reference) and make it clear he's running toward her. And if he grabs her arms and yanks her, have her drop the pies. LOL
The funnel cloud was darker now as loose hay, rocks, and dirt mingled within it. She could see Landon just before the cloud, his lean frame silhouetted against the cloud. The pies felt heavier in her arms now. Almost as soon as she’d seen him he was beside her, but he didn’t stop. Instead he grabbed her hand and yanked her into Lanery Eden.
They fell to the ground inside the underpass, and Mizrae dropped the pies down beside her. The wind screamed even louder as it circled around the mouth of the underpass.
“Shit, that happened fast.” Landon said from behind her.
“A tornado?” She could feel him up against her and tried to forget the feel of his skin on hers.
“Yeah.” His hands rested on her shoulders and ran down the length of her arms.“Are you okay?”
“In Liverpool?” His hands dropped from her shoulders and she suddenly felt cold.
Okay I just laughed. I thought her "In Liverpool?" was her response to "Are you okay?" Bwhahahaha! That might have to be changed.
“Rare, but it’s happened before.”
“I’ve been listening to the radio and there was no tornado warning at all. Just a strong wind advisory, but nothing about a tornado.” She turned to him.
His hair was longer now. His jaw-line chiseled. And his shoulders wider. He’d been handsome in his boy-years but as a man he was downright sexy. When she lifted her eyes to look at him, she gasped. A scar ran down his left eye and across most of his cheek, and the left eye was a milky white.
Her forehead furrowed and she reached out to him. “What happened?”
But as soon as her question was out they heard the a loud thump, and everything went black. That’s when she realized that the other side was rendered unusable prior to the tornado, and she wondered why.
Okay I'm a bit lost. I assume something blew across the opening but it sounds more like it collapsed. This is definitely why we need a better picture of the overpass in the beginning. I know you mentioned you'd trimmed a lot out of this, so you were bound to lose something. If you think the old version answers a bunch of these questions, then, please, feel free to post the large version for people to look at.
He must have felt her trembling, because he reached forward and drew her into his arms, pies and all. “We’re going to be okay,” he reassured her. “Jeb and Rusty both know I’m in the field today.”
“But we don’t know the damage outside. We could be buried in here for hours, and how much time before the oxygen runs out?”
His arms tightened around her. “Don’t panic. I’m going to make sure I get you out of here.” His hands dropped to the pies she held. “Look on the bright side, at least we have food.”
Mizrae groaned.
Bwha! The pies! Snicker. Okay, I can see being worried somebody would find you. I can see being worried and freaked out about being trapped in a place you can't get out of (which they haven't even tried yet) but running out of air? Eh. I think I'd leave that line out.
Lots of great action here and just enough backstory to let us know the tensions that will run between these two as they're trapped together (both emotional tension and sexual tension), lots and lots to shine up and build on as we work through revisions. This is another great scene I think will definitely polish up super pretty as you work on it. :)
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/14/2010 8:41 am
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| Subject: | RE: Lanery Eden (1407 words)
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.169.180 (Why?)
My comments in CAPS.
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Mizrae Ward LOVE THIS NAME...WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH MIZRAE? IS IT A PLAY ON "MISERY"? ;-) was not in the mood for apple pie. As she watched the old farm house fade behind her, she seriously considered tossing them from the car into the nearest ditch. YOU MIGHT CONSIDER INDICATING THAT THERE IS A STACK OF PIES IN HER BACK SEAT BEFORE MAKING MENTION OF THROWING 'THEM' OUT OF THE CAR. PREVIOUSLY YOU MENTION APPLE PIE (SINGULAR) AND THEN SAY SHE'S GOING TO THROW 'THEM' OUT. I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE SAYING BUT IT MIGHT MAKE IT MORE CLEAR FOR OTHERS.She felt certain that if there was a quota to the amount of apple pie one could consume in their lifetime she’d reached it about three days ago. She turned the air conditioner on and pulled her long blond hair off the nape of her neck, securing it with a hot pink clip. IF HER HANDS ARE ON THE WHEEL, DRIVING, HOW DOES SHE PULL HER HAIR UP AND CLIP IT?...I DON'T EVEN THINK YOU CAN DO THAT WITH ONE HAND ON THE WHEEL AND ONE DOING THE HAIR - AT LEAST I CAN'T. ;-)
The smell of the pies filled the car, and made her stomach lurch violently threatening to spill its contents–apple pie and tea–all over her lap. Seven days of apple pie had been six days too many. Now here she was heading back to the city with one pie for herself, one for each of her three brothers, one for her sister, and two for her Dad. I THINK THAT THE LAST SENTENCE IS JUST FILLER. NOT NECESSARY TO PROPELL THE STORY. IF YOU MENTIONED THE STACKS OF PIES EARLIER WHEN SHE'S THINKING ABOUT THROWING THEM OUT THEN YOU DON'T NEED IT HERE AND YOU CAN STILL INDICATE EARLIER THAT SHE'S BOGGED DOWN WITH PIES FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY.
It had begun to sprinkle, and the sky had darkened to a greenish tint. According to the radio thunder was expected and high winds later in the evening. She gripped the steering wheel and willed her stomach to calm. But ISN'T IT A FAUX PAS TO START A SENTENCE WITH 'BUT'? YOU COULD EASILY COMBINE THIS WITH THE LAST SNETENCE. as she rounded the corner of Vickory farm just minutes down the road from her grandparents home, and remembered Landon Vickory, her stomach contents swayed.
The smell of the pies in the backseat wafted up to tease her nose (THIS SOUNDS MORE LIKE AN ENJOYABLE SCENT - THW WAY YOU ARE DESCRIBING IT WAFTING AND TEASING, PERHAPS DIFFERENT DESCRIPTIVES ARE NEEDED. and she knew she was going to be sick. Pulling to the side of the road she rolled the window down and turned her head to catch the breeze. Rain peppered her face. 'PEPPERED' ISN'T SITTING WELL WITH ME HERE. IT IMPARTS WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BUT, TO ME, DOESN'T SEEM TO GO WITH RAIN ON HER FACE. JUST A PERSONAL PREF.
The smell of manure mingled with the smell of the pies and she gagged. The first trace of bile burned the back of her throat and she pulled from the car'PULLED FROM THE CAR' THREW ME OFF TOO. AGAIN, IT WORKS, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THERE SOMETHING THAT COULD SHOW IT BETTER. IE. SHE STUMBLED FROM THE CAR, SHE THREW HERSELF OUT OF THE CAR, ETC, running toward the fence. Landon’s fence, she thought, as she brought up the previous apple pie her grandma had served her. WHAT KIND OF FENCE IS IT? WOOD/ BARBED WIRE? IS SHE THROWING UP BESIDE THE FENCE, OVER THE FENCE? IF IT'S A WOODEN FENCE, IT WOULD BE MORE DRAMATIC TO HAVE HER LEANING OVER THE FENCE. IF IT'S BARBED..OF COURSE SHE'D MORE LIKELY BE BESIDE IT. LOL She’d spent seven days avoiding him, but nearly every minute of those seven days looking for him. I LIKE THIS SENTENCE - IT SAYS A LOT ABOUT HER CHARACTER AND HER FEELINGS, I THINK.
The cows didn’t even look up from their grazing as she wretched and gaged. GAGGED - DARN TYPOS! ;-)
There was no way she could drive another minute with the scent of apples in her car. Wiping the back of her hand over her mouth, she looked at the cows about twenty paces away and suddenly had the perfect solution to her pie-dilemma. I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THE '-' BETWEEN PIE AND DILEMNA. Yanking open the back door to her car she pulled out the stack of pies and ran back to the fence. The aluminum foil on the top of the first couple of pies was still warm, but the rain cooled it as it plopped down on the top one and found its way into the air-slits Grandma Ward had made in them so they could 'breath'.THIS LAST SENTENCE SEEMED AWKWARD TO ME. NOT SURE HOW TO FIX IT. IT MAY NOT BE NEEDED AT ALL, ACTUALLY.
Pulling the foil from the first pie she poised to throw it. “Come and get some pie, Bessy,” she called over the fence– to no cow in particular. AGAIN, NOT SURE IF YOU NEED THE '-' BETWEEN FENCE AND TO. She heaved it as hard as she could, aluminum plate and all. It fell about ten feet from the herd. They all clambered around the pie and it was gone in seconds. “Hold on I have more.” She yelled and raised her hand to toss another one. COMMA INSTEAD OF PERIOD AFTER 'MORE'? AND THEN THE'S' WOULD BE LOWER CASE ON 'SHE'.
With the pie extended over her head she looked out over the pasture, and that’s when she saw it. A funnel shaped cloud stretching down to earth. She tossed the second pie through the air and it landed close to the now empty aluminum plate of the first one. But the cows weren’t interested, in fact they were mooing loudly and heading away from her. That’s when she heard the first rumble of thunder.
Her hair suddenly shot back as a huge gust of wind swept across the pasture, and she had to stagger to keep upright. 'HAD TO STAGGER' - I THINK YOU COULD CHANGE THAT TO 'SHE STAGGERED TO KEEP UPRIGHT'. THE 'HAD TO' THREW ME OFF WHEN I READ IT.
In the distance she could hear the steady chugging of a train– although she knew there were no trains in Liverpool. Her hair flew about her head. I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF A VISUAL WITH THE HAIR. IT 'WHIPPED' ABOUT HER HEAD STINGING AS IT HIT AGAINST HER FACE'? OR YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES THE WIND WILL BLOW YOUR HAIR INTO YOUR MOUTH AND MAKE YOU GAG..LOL...THAT'S WHAT I'M PICTURING IN MY HEAD! Within the noise of the wind she could hear someone yelling. “Run, Misery.” Only one person called her that and she hadn’t seen him in almost ten years. She wanted to turn around and run to him, but she could see the clouds over the pasture begin to rotate, and knew she better listen to what he was telling her.
Could this really be happening? This was Liverpool. Stuff like this didn’t happen here.
“Misery, run to Lanery Eden, quick.”
She shot her head in the direction of the voice. Lanery Eden was an underpass beneath a small road that separated Raymond Wards farm from Vickory farm. It had become a rendezvous place for her and Landon when they were teenagers and forbidden to see each other. In an effort to keep her away from him, she’d been warned not to go on their land. At Lanery Eden she was somewhere in between. I LIKE THE IDEA OF A PLACE 'IN BETWEEN' THAT WAS 'SAFE' FOR THEM TO MEET. I THINK YOU COULD USE SOMETHING RATHER THAN 'SMALL' TO DESCRIBE THE ROAD AS 'SMALL' DIDN'T PROVIDE ANY CONCRETE IMAGE FOR ME AT ALL. I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY BUT IT MIGHT NOT BE CLEAR TO A READER WHO ISN'T FAMILIAR WITH COUNTRY/FARM SETTINGS.
With the five remaining pies in her arms she jumped the low fence and ran to her left toward Lanery Eden. WHAT FENCE IS SHE JUMPING? THE ONE SHE JUST PUKED AT? IF SHE JUMPED THE FENCE DOENS'T THAT MEAN SHE'S IN THE PASTURE NOW? OR IS THIS ANOTHER FENCE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT? I DONT' THINK I'D STILL BE CARRYING THE PIES THOUGH...IN THE SHOCK OF THE MOMENT OF REALIZING THERE'S A TORNADO IN LIVERPOOL...I'D HAVE DUMPED THEM AND RUN LIKE CRAZY. ;-)
The loud howling of the wind and the chugging sound of a train engine were getting closer; the rotating cloud bigger. CAN SHE SEE THAT THE CLOUD IS GETTING BIGGER IF SHE'S RUNNING AWAY FROM IT? She felt the grass whipping at her ankles as she ran and had a quick memory of the grass tickling her cheek when she and Landon had lain there as teenagers.
That was the dreaded summer he’d told her Charlotte Erickson was having his baby. Her pace faltered for a moment and she nearly stumbled. The loud chug-chugging, of what she now realized could only be a tornado, filled her ears. Her arms still wrapped around the pies, she managed to stay on her feet. ARE THE PIES HER LIFELINE NOW..SHE'S COULDN'T DROP THEM IF SHE WANTED TO IN HER FEAR AND CONFUSION? OTHERWISE, DITCH THE PIES! ;-) Lanery Eden was visible at only several strides away. A bit darker than she remembered like it was night on the Raymond Ward farm.
She tried to run faster, but the wind seemed to be holding her back, trying to suck her into its chaos. If she were having this hard a job running then it must be far worse for Landon behind her. “Landon, where are you?” She ran backwards as bests she could as she scanned the field for Landon. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BY SHE 'RAN BACKWARDS' BUT IT SEEMS AWKWARD. THERE'S GOT TO BE ANOTHER WAY TO DEPICT THAT....IE. SHE GLANCED OVER HER SHOULDER AS SHE RAN, TRYING TO CATCH SIGH OF LANDON, OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES.
The funnel cloud was darker now as loose hay, rocks, and dirt mingled within it. She could see Landon just before the cloud, his lean frame silhouetted against the cloud. YOU USE 'CLOUD' TWICE IN CLOSE PROXIMITY HERE. CHANGE ONE OR THE OTHER. IE. ONE OF THE 'CLOUD' COULD BE REPLACED WITH "SWIRLING MASS" OR SOMETHING ELSE. The pies felt heavier in her arms now. THIS LAST SENTENCE SEEMS OUT OF PLACE BECAUSE SHE'S SEEING LANDON AND HOW HE IS JUST AHEAD OF THE FUNNEL - THEN YOU SWITCH TO PIES - THEN YOU SWITCH TO LANDON AGAIN. I'D LOSE THE SENTENCE ABOUT THE HEAVY PIES OR MOVE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE. Almost as soon as she’d seen him he was beside her, but he didn’t stop. Instead he grabbed her hand and yanked her into Lanery Eden. HOW DOES HE GRAB HER 'HAND' IF SHE'S HOLDING ONTO THE PIES? AND WHEN HE GRABS HER HAND, SHOULDN'T THAT CAUSE HER TO LOSE HER GRIP ON THE PIES? (I'M PICTURING THE PIES FALLING AND HER GETTING PIE FILLING ON HER SHIRT, LEGS, SHOES AND LANDON OFFERING TO 'LICK IT OFF' LATER. ;-) BAD, BAD ME! )
They fell to the ground inside the underpass, and Mizrae dropped the pies down beside her. The wind screamed even louder as it circled around the mouth of the underpass.
“Shit, that happened fast.” Landon said from behind her. I HATE COMMAS CAUSE I'M NEVER SURE ABOUT THEM BUT A BOOK I HAVE ON GRAMMAR SAYS THAT WITH SPEECH, THERE SHOULD BE A COMMA AFTER 'FAST' BECAUSE IT'S THEN FOLLOWED BY 'LANDON SAID'. I SUCK AT GRAMMAR SO I PROBABLY READ THE BOOK WRONG OR MISSED SOMETHING.
“A tornado?” She could feel him up against her and tried to forget the feel of his skin on hers. I THINK WHEN YOU SAY 'FORGET' HERE THAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THE FEEL OF HIS SKIN ON HERS IN THE PAST? BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY READ THAT WAY. YOU MIGHT CHANGE THE 'FORGET' TO 'IGNORE' AND ADD SOEMTHING ALONG THE LINES THAT IT'S BRINGING BACK MEMORIES OF HIS SKIN ON HERS IN THE PAST. DUNNO, JUST A THOUGHT.
“Yeah.” His hands rested on her shoulders and ran down the length of her arms.“Are you okay?”
“In Liverpool?” His hands dropped from her shoulders and she suddenly felt cold.
“Rare, but it’s happened before.”
“I’ve been listening to the radio and there was no tornado warning at all. Just a strong wind advisory, but nothing about a tornado.” She turned to him.
His hair was longer now. His jaw-line chiseled. And his shoulders wider. I'D COMBIME THE LAST TWO SENTENCES TO AVOIDE SENTENCE FRAGMENTS. I AM SOOOO GUILTY OF FRAGMENTS MYSELF...AND SOMETIMES THEY ARE NEEDED TO RAMP UP THE EMOTION OR WHATEVER YOU ARE TRYING TO CAPTURE. HERE, THOUGH, I THINK IT'S JUST AS GOOD IF YOU COMBINE THE TWO SENTENCES. He’d been handsome in his boy-years 'BOY-YEARS' SEEMS AWKWARD TO ME. COULDN'T YOU USE 'YOUTH' OR 'AS A TEENAGER' INSTEAD AND HAVE IT BE JUST AS EFFECTIVE? but as a man he was downright sexy. When she lifted her eyes to look at him, SHE'S ALREADY LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT? OTHERWISE HOW WOULD SHE DECIDE HE'S SEXY NOW? IF SHE'S JUST ASSESSING HIS PHYSICAL BODY FROM THE SHOULDERS DOWN, THEN i THINK YOU SHOULD SAY 'LIFTED HER EYES TO LOOK AT HIS FACE' SO THAT WE KNOW SHE WASN'T TAKING IN THE FULL PICTURE BEFORE BECAUSE I ASSUMED SHE WAS. OR ADD MORE DETAIL BEFORE SAYING THAT HE'S SEXY - IE. MUSCULAR ARMS, BROAD CHEST, RIPPLED ABS VISIBLE BENEATH HIS TSHIRT, ETC. she gasped. A scar ran down his left eye and across most of his cheek, and the left eye was a milky white. I LOVE HIM ALREADY. WHAT IS IT ABOUT SCARS/DEFORMITIES THAT MAKES ME WANNA LOVE A GUY IN A ROMANCE BOOK? *SIGH* THE MILKY EYE MIGHT THROW ME OFF AT FIRST BUT THE SCAR...LOVE IT. GREAT PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTIC. CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT HOW THAT HAPPENED!
Her forehead furrowed and she reached out to him. “What happened?”
But as soon as her question was out they heard the a loud thump, and everything went black. That’s when she realized that the other side was rendered unusable prior to the tornado, and she wondered why. OKAY THIS DIDN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME - JUST A CLARITY ISSUE, I THINK. I THINK THE 'LOUD THUMP' ISN'T DESCRIPTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOMETHING THAT IS GOING TO "TRAP THEM" UNDER LANERY EDEN. AND THE LAST SENTENCE ISN'T CLEAR. IF YOU MEAN THAT ONE SIDE OF THE OVERPASS HAD ALREADY CAVED AND BEEN COVERED IN, THEN i THNK YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT THAT (I'M ASSUMING THAT'S WHY SHE PREVIOUSLY SAID 'IT LOOKED DARKER THAN SHE REMEMBERED' BUT IT'S NOT CLEAR HERE.
He must have felt her trembling, because he reached forward and drew her into his arms, pies and all. OKAY IT'S TIME TO DROP THE 'EFFING' PIES! ;-) BESIDES THAT, YOU ALREADY SAID ABOVE THAT SHE DROPPED THE PIES WHEN HE PULLED HER IN UNDER LANERY EDEN. “We’re going to be okay,” he reassured her. “Jeb and Rusty both know I’m in the field today.”
“But we don’t know the damage outside. We could be buried in here for hours, and how much time before the oxygen runs out?” I'D LEAVE IT AT 'WE COULD BE BURIED IN HERE FOR HOURS' AND DROP THE OXYGEN BIT..SEEMS LIKE OVERKILL RIGHT NOW. THAT MIGHT BE A CONCERN A LITTLE LATER BUT NOT SO SURE ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
His arms tightened around her. “Don’t panic. I’m going to make sure I get you out of here.” His hands dropped to the pies she held. “Look on the bright side, at least we have food.” SHOULD BE 'PIES ON THE GROUND BESIDE THEM' AND ...HOW CAN THEY SEE ANYWAY IF THE OVERPASS HAS COLLAPSED? THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY LIGHT OTHERWISE THEY COULD JUST START DIGGING WHERE THEY SEE LIGHT COMING THROUGH AND GET OUT THEMSELVES.
Mizrae groaned.
ALL OF THIS IS PERSONAL THOUGHTS/COMMENTS. I HOPE THERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN USE. THROW OUT WHATEVER DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU, OF COURSE. I REALLY AM NOT GOOD WITH REVISIONS, ETC., SO MOST OF WHAT I SAID PROBABLY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANYWAY.
Suann
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/14/2010 8:42 am
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| Subject: | oh and my apologies...
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Body:
Poster's IP address: 24.224.169.180 (Why?)
you KNOW I'm long winded! ;-)
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/9/2010 5:31 pm
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| Subject: | About Last Night (approx 1800 words)
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.75.15 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 8/9/2010 5:31 pm
General comments and suggestions would be great. Thanks.
JT
About Last Night
There was a goat in her front yard.
Kneeling on her couch to peer through the jacquard lace curtains of her living room window at her front yard, Melody Andrews watched as the goat munched the marigolds the edged her driveway. She didn’t recognize the animal, of course, but she did recognize the dark blue sedan car parked at the curb.
“Crap,” she whispered, the single word like a clap of thunder inside her skull.
Moaning, she dropped her face into the cushioned back of the couch and shifted the ice pack from one side of her throbbing skull to the other. Her whole body ached. Every muscle. Every bone. Dear God, even her earlobes hurt. Her brain, however, was a mystifying void of nothingness.
She frowned deeper into the cushion. She remembered leaving work and driving home. She remembered calling Jane, her best friend since kindergarten. She even remembered Jane arriving and...
Tequila.
Melody stiffened, the cold compress numbing her left ear. She remembered tequila. The good stuff, not that cheap junk sold at the local grocery store. Tezon Blanco. Jane had brought a bottle with her. Or two. Maybe there were two. And limes. Lots of limes. Then the rest of her friends showed up, all bearing the usual mope-fest foods – pizza and ice cream and chocolate and… She stilled, tried to mentally show the hangover pain away and grasp the fleeting shreds of memory. Music. Somebody had turned up music. That’s when the stripper—
Stripper?
Where the hell had a stripper come from? But the memory was there nonetheless. Something about rules and expectations and doing something daring and then… Clothes started flying and the beach ball knocked her favorite lam off the table and set the rug on fire and—
She rocked back on her knees, whipped her head around to stare at the charred ring on her Persian carpet. Damn.
The buzz of her doorbell fell in perfect time with her moan of distress.
The buzz became a knock. The knock a pound.
“Coming,” Melody called out as she struggled to get one bare foot on the ground. She pushed her way upright, stayed there long enough to make sure the slow spin of the room wouldn’t land her on her ass, then made her way toward the front door.
She was never drinking again. Ever. As a rule she never did, but last night was last night, the perfect ending to a craptastic day, and by God she deserved to send it off right. Damn what anybody else thought. Besides, Melody rationalized as she tossed the ice pack onto the entryway table, following the rules hadn’t done her any favors so far. What was the harm in kicking the chains off for one night? She deserved it. She’d earned the right to let her hair down and have a little fun.
There was no law against having fun, right? Right, Melody told herself as she dragged her hands through her brown hair. She tucked the unruly strands behind her ears before tugging at her rumpled blouse to try and make it look like she hadn’t slept in it when that’s exactly what she’d done. She tested her breath, winced, then toed a pizza box away from the door as she turned the knob.
The sunlight blinded her and as she tried to ward it off with a hand, she glimpsed six feet of sexy, sinful disapprovement in the form of her neighbor, Riley Jackson, from between her fingers. Crap.
“Melody?”
She cringed inwardly. Great. Of all the times he sought her out... The only time he’d ever used her name after she’d introduced herself to him with a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a smile… And she had to have Chihuahua breath and look like something that rolled out from beneath an underpass.
Riley, on the other hand, looked as he always looked – sexy and hot and the star of every sexual fantasy she’d had since she glimpsed him, shirtless, picking up his newspaper one hot summer morning. She’d known he was toned, but that ripped? She’d never been sure which she found sexier after that: Riley in uniform…or out.
But now that he was here, the closest she’d ever had him, Melody couldn’t keep her eyes from wandering over his chest to the badge pinned there, then lower to the thick utility belt and holster strapped around his waist, then even lower. And he smelled good, she realized, like coffee and a warm, herbal soap. The scent made her want to press against him until her breasts were flat against his chest, her hips cradled by his, and his hands gripping her bottom as she threaded her fingers through his dark, dark hair and brought his head down so she could take his mouth.
Melody swallowed, cleared her throat, and barely kept herself from fanning her hot, flushed skin. She met his eye. “Hey, Riley,” she said, forcing her tone light and her hand to her side. She blinked away the sunspots and told herself her head was not going to explode. She would not throw up on her neighbor’s spotless shoes. And she would definitely not humiliate herself by letting him know she suddenly realized she was going commando under her rumpled skirt. “Is there something I can do for you?”
Like strip him naked on her living room floor and show him what they could really do with his handcuffs?
Riley’s gaze slid over her from her mussed hair to her wrinkled clothes to the tips of her bare toes, then back up again. His mouth thinned. His chocolate eyes narrowed. “Looks like you had quite the party last night.”
“Oh. Yeah. That. I, uh, hope we didn’t make too much noise.”
“I just got off a shift.”
“Oh.” Whew.
He glanced over his shoulder at the front yard and Melody found it, gave another inward cringe as they both watched the goat rip another chunk of flowers from the ground.
Riley turned back to her. “Just wanted to make sure everything was okay over here.”
“Uh. Yeah. Sure.” She shoved at her hair again. “Just, you know, blowing off some steam.”
He nodded though he didn’t look like he believed it. “You’ve lived here for a couple of years now—“
“Three.”
“Three. Right. Like I said. And you’ve always been a quiet neighbor. No parties. Nothing wild. It just seemed… unusual.”
“Yeah, well, yesterday was an unusual day.”
One thick brow arched upward. “Oh?”
Melody shrugged. What the hell. Everybody would know sooner or later, right? Maybe the more she said it, the easier it would get. Besides, she wanted to tell him. Something about him made it easy to confide in him. Maybe it was the badge. Maybe it worked like a priest collar. She didn’t know, and right now she didn’t care. She folded her arms across her chest, then paused. Terrific. No panties and no bra. Definitely no tequila ever again.
“It was a farewell party,” she said.
His brows snapped together. “You’re moving?”
The quick clip of the question made her pause. She lifted her chin. “No. Sorry to disappoint you. I left my job.”
The lines on his forehead eased. His shoulders relaxed. “With the accounting firm?”
He knew where she worked? She nodded.
That frown was back, but lighter this time, more puzzled than disapproving. “Didn’t you move down here to take it?”
He knew why she’d moved here? Maybe she’d told him. She didn’t remember much about their first conversation, just that she’d blabbed on while he stared at her like she’d landed on his front porch from another planet.
“Yeah,” she said. “It just didn’t exactly go as advertised.”
“What does. So what happened?”
“The question of the hour,” she muttered. She sighed and eyed his badge again. What was it with that thing? He asked, she felt compelled to answer. And if she got to tell him while crawling into his lap and putting her head on his shoulder while he stroked her hair, even better. She scratched her forehead. “I’m not really sure. I had my review—“
“Oh. Ouch. You quit on a knee-jerk reaction to a performance eval?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think so. I was sitting there listening to the partners — Bitterman, Schultz, Reinholt and Larson – go on about how nice I was and how efficient and what a good team player I was…”
“Uh-oh.”
“No, those are good qualities.”
A corner of his mouth curved upward. “Sure they are.”
“And they told me there was no raise but that they’d try really hard to work one into their budget next year, even though I haven’t had since they hired me—”
Riley scoffed.
“And then I don’t know. It’s like my brain disconnected from my body the instant they started talking about the office manager position they’d been floating for the last few months and how they’d selected Becky Hornstock.”
“Becky…”
“Hornstock,” she said again. “And all I could think was… I trained her. She’s been there for less than a year, I’m always covering her ass, she borrowed my favorite stapler and never gave it back, and I trained her. The next thing I know, I hear someone say—”
“I quit.”
She stared up at him. “Yeah.”
“What’d they say?”
“Sorry to see you go, do you need help cleaning out your desk?”
“Nice. So you came home to mope and your friends helped you celebrate your good fortune by throwing you Mexican wake for your job.”
“Mexican…”
Riley plucked an empty bottle from the windowsill and held it up for her to see. “It’s like an Irish wake, but with Tequila instead of whisky.”
“Oh. Then yes.”
“And you had a good time?”
“Uh.” Except for the huge holes in her memory after the third, or was that the forth, shot? “Yeah. It was great.”
“Great. Then that explains everything except three things.”
She tipped her head. “What’s that?”
“The goat,” Riley said, pointing to the animal as it wandered down the drive to his car and started gumming the front fender. He gestured toward her foot. “The tattoo.”
Melody extended her leg and gasped at the floral vine inked around one slender ankle.
“And why these…” he drawled, making Melody look up to watch as her hot pink panties dangled from Riley’s fingertip, “where hanging on my doorknob.”
Embarrassment heated her cheeks as she stared at the tiny scrap of material. She’d gone over there? Oh, God. It came back in a flash. She’d gone there looking for him, ready to stop being such a goodie-two-shoes and live a little. The only stripping down that night was done by her. God knew where she’d left the bra. All she knew was she’d intended on having a very good time last night. In Riley’s bed.
He stepped closer. “So I came over to find out from you, Melody. What would’ve happened if I’d answered the door?”
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| Name: | sinsational (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/14/2010 12:07 am
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| Subject: | RE: About Last Night (approx 1800 words)
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.189.59 (Why?)
Edited by sinsational on 8/14/2010 12:07 am
I DON'T DO A LOT OF CRITS BECAUSE I FEEL I AM BAD AT THEM. WITH THAT IN MIND: CRIT IN CAPS BELOW
About Last Night
There was a goat in her front yard. <—GREAT HOOK
Kneeling on her couch to peer through the jacquard lace curtains of her living room window at her front yard, Melody Andrews watched as the goat munched the marigolds the edged her driveway.<—I’d REWARD THAT SENTENCE. MAYBE IT’S JUST ME BUT I THINK IT READ AWKWARD. She didn’t recognize the animal, of course, but she did recognize the dark blue sedan car parked at the curb.
“Crap,” she whispered, the single word like a clap of thunder inside her skull.
Moaning, she dropped her face into the cushioned back of the couch and shifted the ice pack from one side of her throbbing skull to the other. Her whole body ached. Every muscle. Every bone. Dear God, even her earlobes hurt.<—IS THERE A REASON...DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO HER EARLOBES? Her brain, however, was a mystifying void of nothingness.
She frowned deeper into the cushion. She remembered leaving work and driving home. She remembered calling Jane, her best friend since kindergarten. She even remembered Jane arriving and... <—A LOT OF ‘SHE’S’ IN THAT LAST PARAGRAPH
Tequila. <—I’D USE AN EXCLAMATION MARK INSTEAD OF A PERIOD.
Melody stiffened, the cold compress numbing her left ear. She remembered tequila. The good stuff, not that cheap junk sold at the local grocery store. Tezon Blanco. Jane had brought a bottle with her. Or two. Maybe there were two. And limes. Lots of limes. Then the rest of her friends showed up, all bearing the usual mope-fest foods – pizza and ice cream and chocolate and… She stilled, tried <—TRYING to mentally show SHOVE? the hangover pain away and grasp the fleeting shreds of memory. Music. Somebody had turned up music. That’s when the stripper—
Stripper?
Where the hell had a stripper come from? But the memory was there nonetheless. Something about rules and expectations and doing something daring and then… Clothes started flying and the beach ball knocked her favorite lam LAMP off the table and <—MAYBE REMOVE THE ‘AND’ AND ADD A COMMA/AND CHANGE THIS TO SETTING (IT JUST ELIMINATES AN ‘AND’ —>set the rug on fire and—
She rocked back on her knees, whipped her head around to stare at the charred ring on her Persian carpet. Damn.
The buzz of her doorbell fell in perfect time with her moan of distress.
The buzz became a knock. The knock a pound.
“Coming,” Melody called out as she struggled to get one bare foot on the ground. She pushed her way upright, stayed there long enough to make sure the slow spin of the room wouldn’t land her on her ass, then made her way toward the front door.
She was never drinking again. Ever. As a rule she never did, but last night was last night, the perfect ending to a craptastic day, and by God she deserved to send it off right.<— LOVE THIS! Damn what anybody else thought. Besides, Melody rationalized as she tossed the ice pack onto the entryway table, following the rules hadn’t done her any favors so far. What was the harm in kicking the chains off for one night? She deserved it. She’d earned the right to let her hair down and have a little fun.
--------------------------------------
There was no law against having fun, right? Right, Melody told herself as she dragged her hands through her brown hair. She tucked the unruly strands behind her ears before tugging at her rumpled blouse to try and make it look like she hadn’t slept in it when that’s exactly what she’d done. She tested her breath, winced, then toed a pizza box away from the door as she turned the knob.
The sunlight blinded her and as she tried to ward it off with a hand, she glimpsed six feet of sexy, sinful disapprovement DISAPPROVAL in the form of her neighbor, Riley Jackson, from between her fingers. Crap.
“Melody?”
She cringed inwardly. Great. Of all the times he sought her out... The only time he’d ever used her name after she’d introduced herself to him with a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a smile… And she had to have Chihuahua breath and look like something that rolled out from beneath an underpass.
Riley, on the other hand, looked as he always looked – sexy and hot and the star of every sexual fantasy she’d had since she glimpsed him, shirtless, picking up his newspaper one hot summer morning. She’d known he was toned, but that ripped? She’d never been sure which she found sexier after that: Riley in uniform…or out.
But now that he was here, the closest she’d ever had him<—I’D REWORD THAT SINCE TO ME IT READS AWKWARD...MAYBE ‘THE CLOSEST HE’S EVER BEEN TO HER., Melody couldn’t keep her eyes from wandering over his chest to the badge pinned there, then lower to the thick utility belt and holster strapped around his waist, then even lower. And he smelled good, she realized, like coffee and a warm, herbal soap. The scent made her want to press against him until her breasts were flat against his chest, her hips cradled by his, and his hands gripping her bottom as she threaded her fingers through his dark, dark hair and brought his head down so she could take his mouth.
Melody swallowed, cleared her throat, and barely kept herself from fanning her hot, flushed skin. She met his eye. “Hey, Riley,” she said, forcing her tone light and her hand to her side. She blinked away the sunspots and told herself her head was not going to explode. She would not throw up on her neighbor’s spotless shoes. And she would definitely not humiliate herself by letting him know she suddenly realized she was going commando under her rumpled skirt. “Is there something I can do for you?”
Like strip him naked on her living room floor and show him what they could really do with his handcuffs?
Riley’s gaze slid over her from her mussed hair to her wrinkled clothes to the tips of her bare toes, then back up again. His mouth thinned. His chocolate eyes narrowed. “Looks like you had quite the party last night.”
“Oh. Yeah. That. I, uh, hope we didn’t make too much noise.”
“I just got off a shift.”
“Oh.” Whew.
He glanced over his shoulder at the front yard and Melody found it, gave another inward cringe as they both watched the goat rip another chunk of flowers from the ground.
Riley turned back to her. “Just wanted to make sure everything was okay over here.”
“Uh. Yeah. Sure.” She shoved at her hair again. “Just, you know, blowing off some steam.”
He nodded though he didn’t look like he believed it. “You’ve lived here for a couple of years now—“
“Three.”
“Three. Right. Like I said. And you’ve always been a quiet neighbor. No parties. Nothing wild. It just seemed… unusual.”
“Yeah, well, yesterday was an unusual day.”
One thick brow arched upward. “Oh?”
Melody shrugged. What the hell. Everybody would know sooner or later, right? Maybe the more she said it, the easier it would get. Besides, she wanted to tell him. Something about him made it easy to confide in him. Maybe it was the badge. Maybe it worked like a priest collar. She didn’t know, and right now she didn’t care. She folded her arms across her chest, then paused. Terrific. No panties and no bra. Definitely no tequila ever again.
“It was a farewell party,” she said.
His brows snapped together. “You’re moving?”
The quick clip of the question made her pause. She lifted her chin. “No. Sorry to disappoint you. I left my job.”
The lines on his forehead eased. His shoulders relaxed. “With the accounting firm?”
He knew where she worked? She nodded.<—AH HA HE’S INTERESTED!
That frown was back, but lighter this time, more puzzled than disapproving. “Didn’t you move down here to take it?”
He knew why she’d moved here? Maybe she’d told him. She didn’t remember much about their first conversation, just that she’d blabbed on while he stared at her like she’d landed on his front porch from another planet.
“Yeah,” she said. “It just didn’t exactly go as advertised.”
“What does. So what happened?”
“The question of the hour,” she muttered. She sighed and eyed his badge again. What was it with that thing? He asked, she felt compelled to answer. And if she got to tell him while crawling into his lap and putting her head on his shoulder while he stroked her hair, even better.<—OF COURSE!` She scratched her forehead. “I’m not really sure. I had my review—“
“Oh. Ouch. You quit on a knee-jerk reaction to a performance eval?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think so. I was sitting there listening to the partners — Bitterman, Schultz, Reinholt and Larson – go on about how nice I was and how efficient and what a good team player I was…”
“Uh-oh.”
“No, those are good qualities.”
A corner of his mouth curved upward. “Sure they are.”
“And they told me there was no raise but that they’d try really hard to work one into their budget next year, even though I haven’t had ONE since they hired me—”<—YEAH THEY THINK SHE’S A SUCKER...GOOD FOR HER FOR QUITING!
Riley scoffed.
“And then I don’t know. It’s like my brain disconnected from my body the instant they started talking about the office manager position they’d been floating for the last few months and how they’d selected Becky Hornstock.”
“Becky…”
“Hornstock,” she said again. “And all I could think was… I trained her. She’s been there for less than a year, I’m always covering her ass, she borrowed my favorite stapler and never gave it back, and I trained her. The next thing I know, I hear someone say—”<—OKAY HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?!!! I DON’T BLAME HER FOR GETTING UPSET.
“I quit.”
She stared up at him. “Yeah.”
“What’d they say?”
“Sorry to see you go, do you need help cleaning out your desk?”
“Nice. So you came home to mope and your friends helped you celebrate your good fortune by throwing you Mexican wake for your job.”
“Mexican…”
Riley plucked an empty bottle from the windowsill and held it up for her to see. “It’s like an Irish wake, but with Tequila instead of whisky.”
“Oh. Then yes.”
“And you had a good time?”
“Uh.” Except for the huge holes in her memory after the third, or was that the forth, shot? “Yeah. It was great.”
“Great. Then that explains everything except three things.”
She tipped her head. “What’s that?”
“The goat,” Riley said, pointing to the animal as it wandered down the drive to his car and started gumming the front fender. He gestured toward her foot. “The tattoo.”
Melody extended her leg and gasped at the floral vine inked around one slender ankle.<—LOL. THAT’S GREAT!
“And why these…” he drawled, making Melody look up to watch as her hot pink panties dangled from Riley’s fingertip, “where hanging on my doorknob.”<–OH LA LA! LOL LOVE IT
Embarrassment heated her cheeks as she stared at the tiny scrap of material. She’d gone over there? Oh, God. It came back in a flash. She’d gone there looking for him, ready to stop being such a goodie-two-shoes and live a little. The only stripping down that night was done by her. God knew where she’d left the bra. All she knew was she’d intended on having a very good time last night. In Riley’s bed.
He stepped closer. “So I came over to find out from you, Melody. What would’ve happened if I’d answered the door?” THIS WAS EXCELLENT
I CERTAINLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN THESE TWO.
THE ONLY THING I NOTICED, WHICH MAY BE A PERSONAL OPINION IS THAT THE FIRST HALF HAS A LOT OF ‘ING’S’ AND THE LAST HALF CHANGES TO ‘ED’S. I put a bunch of ------ to show where i find you stopped using the ing's and started with the ed. What i mean is if you said in the beginning 'leaning over the couch', then int he second half you'd say 'she leaned over the couch. maybe not a big deal...i don't know.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/14/2010 4:26 pm
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| Subject: | RE: About Last Night (approx 1800 words)
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.240 (Why?)
Snicker. One of my biggest things with first drafts is the tendency to Ing everywhere. So no more talk of sucking at crits, missy. I'm on my way out so I'll be back when I can read this with more attention, but had to say something about that one. :)
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/14/2010 11:46 am
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| Subject: | RE: About Last Night (approx 1800 words)
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.169.180 (Why?)
Okay, so my comments will be in CAPS. I'm not sure what you're looking for since you said 'originally' that we weren't to do line by line crits but then that's what we all did. So, I'm just gonna go with it. All comments are my opinion and not necessarily right (I suck at critiquing and I know nothing about grammar so don't expect much more than a "reader's" thoughts.)
***
There was a goat in her front yard.
Kneeling on her couch to peer through the jacquard lace curtains of her living room window at her front yard,A FEW TOO MANY 'HERS' FOR MY TASTE. IE. HER COUCH, HER LVIING ROOM, HER FRONT YARD - JUST PERSON PREF. I'D PROBABLY CHANGE THE LAST HER TO THE - IE. THE FRONT YARD. Melody Andrews watched as the goat munched the marigolds the THAT edged her driveway. She didn’t recognize the animal, of course, but she did recognize the dark blue sedan car I THINK 'SEDAN CAR' IS REDUNDANT. I'D LEAVE IT AT JUST "DARK BLUE SEDAN" BECAUSE I THINK READERS WILL KNOW THAT A SEDAN IS A FOUR DOOR CAR. parked at the curb.
“Crap,” she whispered, the single word like a clap of thunder inside her skull.
Moaning, she dropped her face into the cushioned back of the couch and shifted the ice pack from one side of her throbbing skull to the other. Her whole body ached. Every muscle. Every bone. Dear God, even her earlobes hurt. Her brain, however, was a mystifying void of nothingness. LOL - DOES THAT REALLY HAPPEN WHEN A PERSON IS HUNGOVER? THE EARLOBES HURT? WOW. ;-)
She frowned deeper into the cushion. She remembered leaving work and driving home. She remembered calling Jane, her best friend since kindergarten. She even remembered Jane arriving and... SHE, SHE, SHE, SHE - LOTS OF 'SHE'S' IN THIS SENTENCE. THE LAST TWO SENTENCES COULD BE COMBINED TO GET RID OF SOME OF THE REPETITION.
Tequila. STRAIGHT AND TO THE POINT. UGH! I HEAR TEQUILA GIVES THE WORST HANGOVERS EVER! ;-)
Melody stiffened, the cold compress numbing her left ear. She remembered tequila. The good stuff, not that cheap junk sold at the local grocery store. Tezon Blanco. Jane had brought a bottle with her. Or two. Maybe there were two. And limes. Lots of limes. THERE'S A LOT OF SHORT, SENTENCE FRAGMENTS IN THE FIRST PART OF THIS. MAYBE INDICATIVE OF HOW MELODY'S BRAIN IS WORKING BUT I THINKYOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WITH THE FRAGS. IT'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN I START REVISING CAUSE I USE FRAGS A LOT BUT I TEND TO OVERUSE THEM SOMETIEMS. Then the rest of her friends showed up, all bearing the usual mope-fest foods – pizza and ice cream and chocolate and… She stilled, tried to mentally show SHOVE - GRRR..I HATE TYPOS. THEY GO HAND IN HAND WITH FLASH PIECES THOUGH BECAUSE YOUR FINGERS MOVE FASTER THAN YOUR BRAIN....the hangover pain away and grasp the fleeting shreds of memory. Music. Somebody had turned up music. THE LAST SENTENCE READS AWKWARDLY. I'D PUT A 'THE' BETWEEN UP AND MUSIC OR CHANGE IT TO 'SOMEONE HAD PUT ON MUSIC, TURNING IT UP LOUD," ETC. That’s when the stripper—
Stripper? STRIPPER? LOL - GREAT!
Where the hell had a stripper come from? But the memory was there nonetheless. ISN'T IT A FAUX PAS TO START A SENTENCE WITH BUT OR AND? NOT THAT IT CAN'T BE DONE BUT JUST 'NOT USUALLY'. I STRUGGLE WITH STUFF LIKE THIS BECAUSE I'VE READ SO MANY CONFLICTING THINGS ABOUT IT. *SIGH* Something about rules and expectations and doing something daring and then… Clothes started flying and the beach ball knocked her favorite lam LAMP ;-) off the table and set the rug on fire and— AND, AND, AND - LOTS OF ANDS HERE. AGAIN, PERHAPS AN INDICATION OF HOW HER MIND IS WORKING IN HER HUNGOVER HAZE...
She rocked back on her knees, whipped IF SHE'S SO BADLY HUNGOVER WOULD SHE "WHIP" HER HEAD AROUND? AND EVEN IF SHE DID, THERE SHOULD BE SOME CONSEQUENCES OF THAT (IE. OVERTAKEN BY NAUSEA OR HER HEAD POUNDING IN RESPONSE TO THE MOVEMENT) her head around to stare at the charred ring on her Persian carpet. Damn.
The buzz of her doorbell fell in perfect time with her moan of distress.
The buzz became a knock. The knock a pound. SECOND SENTENCE IS ANOTHER FRAG AND COULD EASILY BE CONNECTED TO THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE. ON IT'S OWN THE SECOND SENTENCE DOESN'T MAKE ANY REAL SENSE. THIS IS SOMETHING I RECENTLY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH MY HUSBAND ABOUT. HE SAID MY SENTENCE DIDN'T MAKE SENSE AND MY RESPONSE WAS THAT IT MADE PERFECT SENSE TAKEN IN CONTEXT OF THE SURROUNDING SENTENCES. WE ARGUED OVER IT A BIT. I'D BE INTERESTED TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT KIND OF THING. IT WAS A LINE FROM 'SAVING GRACE' THAT HE AND I DISCUSSED AND IT WAS A SIMILAR SITUATION TO THIS ONE HERE. MAYBE I'LL POST SOMETHING SEPARATE LATER TO GET YOUR (AND EVERYONE ELSE'S) THOUGHTS ON THAT.
“Coming,” Melody called out as she struggled to get one bare foot on the ground. I'D CHANGE 'GROUND' TO 'FLOOR'. GROUND MAKES IT SOUND LIKE SHE'S OUTSIDE TO ME. She pushed her way upright, stayed there long enough to make sure the slow spin of the room wouldn’t land her on her ass, then made her way toward the front door.I LIKED THIS SENTENCE. I COULD PICTURE IT AND 'FEEL' IT (IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE).
She was never drinking again. Ever. As a rule she never did, but last night was last night, the perfect ending to a craptastic day, and by God she deserved to send it off right. LOVED THIS SENTENCE TOO. I THINK THE 'CRAPTASTIC' WORD CHOICE REALLY LETS US INTO HOW HER CHARACTER THINKS. ;-) Damn what anybody else thought. Besides, Melody rationalized as she tossed the ice pack onto the entryway table, following the rules hadn’t done her any favors so far. What was the harm in kicking the chains off for one night? She deserved it. She’d earned the right to let her hair down and have a little fun.
There was no law against having fun, right? NOPE, NO LAW AGAINST HAVING FUN UNLESS YOU'RE DISTURBING THE PEACE OR, OR, OR.....LEAVING YOUR PANTIES ON THE NEIGHBORS DOOR (WINK, WINK) Right, Melody told herself as she dragged her hands through her brown hair. She tucked the unruly strands behind her ears before tugging at her rumpled blouse to try and make it look like she hadn’t slept in it when that’s exactly what she’d done. I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THE LAST PART OF THIS SENTENCE. "WHEN THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE'D DONE", I THINK THE READER AUTOMATICALLY THINKS SHE SLEPT IN THE BLOUSE WHEN YOU SAYS SHE TRIES TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE SHE DIDN'T SLEEP IN IT. She tested her breath, winced, then toed a pizza box away from the door as she turned the knob.
The sunlight blinded her and as she tried to ward it off with a hand, she glimpsed six feet of sexy, sinful disapprovement DISAPPROVAL??? IS DISAPPROVEMENT EVEN AN ACTUAL WORD? I DO THIS ALL THE TIME WHEN DOING FLASH - JUST TRYING TO GET THE STORY OUT AND NOT WORRYING ABOUT THINGS THAT CAN BE FIXED LATER. in the form of her neighbor, Riley Jackson, from between her fingers. I THINK THIS SENTENCE IS LONG AND A BIT AWKWARD. IT COULD BE CUT INTO TWO. FIRST SENTENCE, SHE'S WARDING OFF THE SUN WITH HER HAND. SECOND SENTENCE, SHE'S SEEING HIS SEXY FORM BETWEEN HER FINGERS. Crap.
“Melody?”
She cringed inwardly. Great. Of all the times he sought her out... The only time he’d ever used her name after she’d introduced herself to him with a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a smile… And she had to have Chihuahua breath and look like something that rolled out from beneath an underpass. THIS LAST PARAGRAPH READ AWKWARDLY TO ME. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING AND WHAT YOU MEAN BUT, FOR ME, THE ELLIPSES (spelling?) THREW IT OFF FOR ME.
Riley, on the other hand, looked as he always looked – sexy and hot and the star of every sexual fantasy she’d had since she glimpsed him, shirtless, picking up his newspaper one hot summer morning. She’d known he was toned, but that ripped? She’d never been sure which she found sexier after that: Riley in uniform…or out. PERSONAL PREFERENCE, I'M NOT A FAN OF THE ELLIPSES. IT DOES THE TRICK, OF COURSE BUT YOU USE THEM A LOT AND THEY START TO BECOME QUITE NOTICABLE TO ME - DOESN'T DETRACT FROM THE STORY BUT STANDS OUT TO ME WHEN I'M READING.
But now that he was here, the closest she’d ever had him THIS PART READS AWKWARDLY. THE CLOSEST THEY'D EVER BEEN, MAYBE? OR SOME OTHER VARIATION..., Melody couldn’t keep her eyes from wandering over his chest to the badge pinned there, then lower to the thick utility belt and holster strapped around his waist, then even lower. THIS GAVE A GOOD VISUAL THOUGH...I SAW THE UTILITY BELT AND THEN THE PLACKET COVERING THE ZIPPER ON HIS JEANS...OOOHH, YUM! ;-) And he smelled good, she realized, like coffee and a warm, herbal soap. The scent made her want to press against him until her breasts were flat against his chest, her hips cradled by his, and his hands gripping her bottom as she threaded her fingers through his dark, dark hair and brought his head down so she could take his mouth. THIS SENTENCE READ AWKWARDLY TO ME, I'M NOT SURE WHY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT BUT IT CAUSED ME TO STUMBLE.
Melody swallowed, cleared her throat, and barely kept herself from fanning her hot, flushed skin. She met his eye EYE OR EYES? ;-). “Hey, Riley,” she said, forcing her tone TO BE? light and her hand to her side. She blinked away the sunspots and told herself her head was not going to explode. She would not throw up on her neighbor’s spotless shoes. And she would definitely not humiliate herself by letting him know she suddenly realized she was going commando under her rumpled skirt. “Is there something I can do for you?” YOU START A LOT OF SENTENCES WITH BUT AND AND - SEE MY PREVIOUS COMMENT ABOUT REGARDING THAT. MAYBE YOU CAN SHED SOME LIGHT ON THAT FOR ME..WHETHER IT'S A FAUX PAS OR NOT.
Like strip him naked on her living room floor and show him what they could really do with his handcuffs? WOOOHOOO! IS IT HOT IN HERE? ;-)
Riley’s gaze slid over her from her mussed hair to her wrinkled clothes to the tips of her bare toes, then back up again. His mouth thinned. His chocolate eyes narrowed. I LOVE BROWN EYES! *SIGH* I COULD MELT! “Looks like you had quite the party last night.”
“Oh. Yeah. That. I, uh, hope we didn’t make too much noise.”
“I just got off a shift.”
“Oh.” Whew.
He glanced over his shoulder at the front yard and Melody found it MELODY FOUND WHAT? THE GOAT? IT READS AWKWARDLY TO ME. YOU COULD EASILY TAKE OUT 'FOUND IT' AND LEAVE THE REST OF THE SENTENCE AS IS. , gave another inward cringe as they both watched the goat rip another chunk of flowers from the ground.
Riley turned back to her. “Just wanted to make sure everything was okay over here.”
“Uh. Yeah. Sure.” She shoved at her hair again. “Just, you know, blowing off some steam.”
He nodded though he didn’t look like he believed it. “You’ve lived here for a couple of years now—“
“Three.”
“Three. Right. Like I said. LIKE HE SAID? WHAT DID HE SAY? And you’ve always been a quiet neighbor. No parties. Nothing wild. It just seemed… unusual.” IF HE JUST GOT OFF OF A SHIFT, HOW DOES HE EVEN KNOW ABOUT HER PARTY? OR THAT IT WAS LOUD OR WILD OR UNUSUAL?
“Yeah, well, yesterday was an unusual day.”
One thick brow arched upward. “Oh?”
Melody shrugged. What the hell. Everybody would know sooner or later, right? Maybe the more she said it, the easier it would get. Besides, she wanted to tell him. Something about him made it easy to confide in him. Maybe it was the badge. Maybe it worked like a priest PRIEST'S? collar. She didn’t know, and right now she didn’t care. She folded her arms across her chest, then paused. Terrific. No panties and no bra. Definitely no tequila ever again. I THINK I'D HAVE NOTICED BEFORE THAT IF I WASN'T WEARING A BRA..UNLESS SHE'S ONE OF THOSE BRATS WITH THE NICE, small, PERKY BREAST THAT DON'T EVEN NEED A BRA! ;-)
“It was a farewell party,” she said.
His brows snapped together. HMMM? SOMEHOW I HAVE TROUBLE PICTURING 'BROWS SNAPPING TOGETHER', EVEN THOUGH I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. “You’re moving?”
The quick clip of the question made her pause. She lifted her chin. “No. Sorry to disappoint you. I left my job.”
The lines on his forehead eased. His shoulders relaxed. “With the accounting firm?”
He knew where she worked? She nodded.
That frown was back, but lighter this time, more puzzled than disapproving. “Didn’t you move down here to take it?”
He knew why she’d moved here? Maybe she’d told him. She didn’t remember much about their first conversation, just that she’d blabbed on while he stared at her like she’d landed on his front porch from another planet. SO BEFORE, YOU SAID THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME THEY'D EVER BEEN SO CLOSE BUT HERE YOU ARE KIND OF CONTRADICTING YOURSELF BY SAYING HE STARED AT HER WHILE SHE BLABBED AT HIM FROM HIS FRONT PORCH. THE ABOVE REFERENCE WILL NEED TO BE FIXED. NO DOUBT YOU'D CATCH THAT ANYWAY ON THE EDITS.
“Yeah,” she said. “It just didn’t exactly go as advertised.”
“What does. So what happened?”
“The question of the hour,” she muttered. She sighed and eyed his badge again. What was it with that thing? He asked, she felt compelled to answer. And if she got to tell him while crawling into his lap and putting her head on his shoulder while he stroked her hair, even better. She scratched her forehead. “I’m not really sure. I had my review—“ LOTS OF SHE'S HERE.
“Oh. Ouch. You quit on a knee-jerk reaction to a performance eval?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think so. I was sitting there listening to the partners — Bitterman, Schultz, Reinholt and Larson – go on about how nice I was and how efficient and what a good team player I was…”
“Uh-oh.”
“No, those are good qualities.”
A corner of his mouth curved upward. “Sure they are.”
“And they told me there was no raise but that they’d try really hard to work one into their budget next year, even though I haven’t had ONE since they hired me—”
Riley scoffed.
“And then I don’t know. It’s like my brain disconnected from my body the instant they started talking about the office manager position they’d been floating for the last few months and how they’d selected Becky Hornstock.”
“Becky…”
“Hornstock,” she said again. “And all I could think was… I trained her. She’s been there for less than a year, I’m always covering her ass, she borrowed my favorite stapler and never gave it back, and I trained her. The next thing I know, I hear someone say—”
“I quit.”
She stared up at him. “Yeah.”
“What’d they say?”
“Sorry to see you go, do you need help cleaning out your desk?”
“Nice. So you came home to mope and your friends helped you celebrate your good fortune by throwing you (A) Mexican wake for your job.”
“Mexican…”
Riley plucked an empty bottle from the windowsill and held it up for her to see. “It’s like an Irish wake, but with Tequila instead of whisky.” ISN'T WHISKEY TYPICALLY SPELLED WITH A 'K-E-Y' ?
“Oh. Then yes.”
“And you had a good time?”
“Uh.” Except for the huge holes in her memory after the third, or was that the forth FOURTH, shot? “Yeah. It was great.”
“Great. Then that explains everything except three things.”
She tipped her head. “What’s that?”
“The goat,” Riley said, pointing to the animal as it wandered down the drive to his car and started gumming the front fender. He gestured toward her foot. “The tattoo.” HOW DOES HE KNOW THE TATTOO IS NEW? IF THEY'VE ONLY BEEN UP CLOSE THIS ONE TIME? BECAUSE ITS RED AND RAW LOOKING?
Melody extended her leg and gasped at the floral vine inked around one slender ankle.
“And why these…” he drawled, making Melody look up to watch as her hot pink panties dangled from Riley’s fingertip, “where hanging on my doorknob.” OKAY, HOW THE HECK DOES HE EVEN KNOW THESE ARE HER PANTIES? HE WAS AWAY AT WORK, SO MY PREVIOUS QUESTION STILL STANDS OF HOW HE KNEW SHE WAS HAVING A PARTY, AND THEN, HOW DOES HE KNOW THESE BELONG TO HER? MAYBE THEY BELONG TO THE NEIGHBOR ACROSS THE STREET.
Embarrassment heated her cheeks as she stared at the tiny scrap of material. She’d gone over there? Oh, God. It came back in a flash. She’d gone there looking for him, ready to stop being such a goodie-two-shoes and live a little. The only stripping down DONE? that night was done by her. I THINK I'D ADD SOMETHING TO THE LAST SENTENCE, OR NOT (YOU'RE THE WRITER SO YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST) BUT I'D ADD "APPARENTLY" OR SOMETHING TO THE BEGINNING OF THE SENTENCE ABOUT THE ONLY STRIPPING... God knew where she’d left the bra. All she knew was she’d intended on having a very good time last night. In Riley’s bed.
He stepped closer. “So I came over to find out from you, Melody. What would’ve happened if I’d answered the door?”
SO, LIKE I SAID....HOW DOES HE KNOW THEY ARE HERS. DOES THIS SCENE TAKE PLACE IN THE MORNING OR EARLY AFTERNOON OR? IF IT'S MORNING AND HE'S JUST GOT BACK FROM A SHIFT HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AT HOME TO KNOW ABOUT HER PARTY OR HER PANTIES... IF IT'S EARLY/LATE AFTERNOON..HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN HOME AND SLEEPING TO GET READY FOR HIS DAY SHIFT...BUT AS IT STANDS, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME OF DAY THIS IS AND THEREFORE IT RAISED THE QUESTION OF HOW HE KNOWS ALL THIS 'STUFF'.
***
I REALLY LIKED THIS THOUGH. RILEY IS A 'HUNK'. I'M VERY INTERESTED TO SEE WHERE THIS WILL GO FROM HERE. AND WHAT EXCITING THINGS ARE TO COME.
AS ALWAYS, MY COMMENTS ARE JUST MY OPINION AND MORE AN OPINION AS A 'READER' THAN ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHNG ABOUT ANYTHING WHEN IT COMES TO THE MECHANICS OF WRITING. IT'S A STRUGGLE. MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL LEARN. ;-)
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/15/2010 12:16 am
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| Subject: | RE: About Last Night (approx 1800 words)
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.112.41 (Why?)
Thanks, Sass! :)
I don't worry about the "And" or "But" sentence starters unless I'm doing it all the time/too much. Frankly, if you see it in published novels (which I do alllll the time), I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just in balance like everything else.
As for fragments... it depends. LOL. I don't mind them but they have to make sense, and you're right, I could easily connect the two in one sentence, but like you've noted above, a lot of the fragments have to do with he thought process and I don't know if people "think" in complete sentences. BUT if it's confusing? Then yes, it probably should be connected to something.
I think the Whiskey vs Whisky thing is Rest of the World vs. Scottish.
Thanks for all the great comments, Sass. I'm looking forward to revising.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/7/2010 9:54 pm
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| Subject: | Is it okay....
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Poster's IP address: 71.7.161.13 (Why?)
to use the flash from tonight as my revision piece for the exercise? I used the "hot pink" prompt/topic and it was written in one hour....
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/7/2010 10:48 pm
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| Subject: | Absolutely! Feel Free. In fact, anybody who has
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.112.60 (Why?)
a previously written flash piece can use that (figure a max of 1400 words) for the revision exercise. Since you just need something "serious" that you'll stress over or overthink as you revise... any flash fic piece will work really well, regardless of prompt. ;)
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/8/2010 6:54 am
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| Subject: | I actually did manage to use the prompt suggested by you....
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Poster's IP address: 71.7.161.13 (Why?)
wasn't sure how I was going to use it cause I was drawing a blank...but I managed it.
Will you be posting a new thread to post the stories under? Or do we just post them as our own message?
I'll have to tweak mine a bit from last night cause it comes in at 1464 words! (somehow I always manage to exceed the word limit)
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/8/2010 11:55 am
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| Subject: | I'll put up a new thread since things have gotten cluttered below.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.79.156 (Why?)
and don't worry too much about being over. 1400 is just a max suggestion. A little longer won't matter much, imo.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/6/2010 12:58 am
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| Subject: | Publishing News: Dorchester Books Drops Print Mass Market Books
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Related Link: http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/publisher-news/article/44085-dorchester-drops-mass-market-publishing-for-e-book-pod-model.html
Poster's IP address: 68.74.112.60 (Why?)
Dorchest Books announced today that it will NO LONGER be printing any mass market print books and will switch to ebook & POD starting with its September titles.
So... how soon before other publishers follow, and what does this mean for not only authors but bookstores as well? Hmmmm.
JT
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
Well, eventually most bookstores will mainly be online.
Folks who absolutely want 'printed' books will have to pay more for them.
Keep your old books, friends. They might be worth a fortune eventually.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/6/2010 3:09 pm
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| Subject: | The question I think Authors now have is....
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.112.60 (Why?)
1. Royalties. Traaditional publishers paid significantly less royalties to authors for print books vs. the royalties that ebook authors currently receive. Will the big publishers who become ebook publishers still expect authors to accept that lower royalty as their ebook royalty or will the publisher adjust for the higher percent? I know which one I figure.
2. Advances. Ebooks traditionally don't give an advance on books they accept. Authors only earn royalties based on actual sales. Will this now be the "industry norm" for authors period?
3. How does an author make a living writing at all if these changes take place?
It'll be interesting to watch how it all develops.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/6/2010 6:42 pm
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| Subject: | Yikes!
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Poster's IP address: 71.7.161.13 (Why?)
My husband and I have recently been having the "e-reader" discussion. I was DEAD set against them in the beginning but, I admit, that I'm wavering just a bit because I've tested a Kobo and it's pretty cool. What worries me most is what it all means for writers and aspiring writers. Also, nothing is better than actually holding a "real" book in your hand....*sigh*
It will be interesting, indeed, to see how this all pans out.
Dorchester also does a horror line and various others too. This is big news!
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/5/2010 1:28 pm
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| Subject: | Drive 'Em Wilde Contest -- Finalists Announced
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Related Link: http://www.savvyauthors.com/vb/content.php?469-Finalists-Announced-for-the-Drive-Em-Wilde-Contest
Poster's IP address: 68.74.64.201 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 8/5/2010 1:28 pm
Since everything was anon in the contests, finalists are really listed by # only (and congrats to them! Yay! {{{throws confetti}}}) I entered twice - once in paranormal and once in contemporary romance -- and didn't do too badly. Was listed 7th in contemporary and 5th in paranormal. Most of the scores were pretty high except that 3rd score. Always the sinker, eh? ;) But overall... not too badly placed when you look at the individual judges score sets. I haven't read over the comments and scoresheets yet (still printing those out) but was curious if anybody else entered and had comments or thoughts to share?
JT
ETA: Found the list of titles AND authors that are the finalists finally. Again, congrats!
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/5/2010 12:45 am
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| Subject: | RE: Drive 'Em Wilde Contest -- Finalists Announced (kind of)
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
I entered in the paranormal and ranked 10
Yeah...one bad score really brought my rating down :(
Ah well, can't win 'em all.
Congrats to those who finaled.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/4/2010 5:32 pm
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| Subject: | It didn't even occur to me... RE: Revision Exercise
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.65.43 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 8/4/2010 5:32 pm
When writing up the exercise details for the coming Revision workshops, I totally forgot about the previous flash fics we did in this forum a few weeks ago.
I know time has been pressing for a lot of people, so if you would like to use a piece you wrote for the *previous* flash fics and use ONE of those as your rough draft piece to polish up for this exercise, please feel free.
And, do we need another extension for participation or are people just not interested in the topic?
JT
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| Name: | sinsational (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/4/2010 5:42 pm
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| Subject: | RE: It didn't even occur to me... RE: Revision Exercise
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.189.59 (Why?)
I dont need an extension(others may) I will have mine up sometimes tomorrow.
Rhoda
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/4/2010 5:48 pm
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| Subject: | Awesome. Looking forward to it!
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.65.43 (Why?)
...suppose this means I should do mine, huh? LOL.
JT
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/5/2010 9:46 am
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| Subject: | I'm interested... just been under the weather and otherwise busy (nm)
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/5/2010 8:18 pm
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| Subject: | I worked on mine for about 26 minutes...
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Poster's IP address: 71.7.161.13 (Why?)
and it's about half done. I'd still like to finish....no chance all week to write but maybe tomorrow night if I get home early enough I'll be able to finish it.
That okay?
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/5/2010 9:03 pm
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| Subject: | Totally fine. I think we'll extend it another week
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.64.201 (Why?)
no point moving forward if nobody's ready. :) So consider it pushed.
JT
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but since I have no clue about tornadoes and didn't bother to research until I finished I now need to tweak a few things.
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/7/2010 9:55 pm
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| Subject: | Then why haven't you posted it? ;-)
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Poster's IP address: 71.7.161.13 (Why?)
You've read mine already - if I even decide to use it. Might still try to come up with something else tomorrow since I hate the piece I wrote for flash. *sigh*
I'll post tomorrow...I think.
S
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| Name: | sinsational (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/8/2010 7:24 am
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| Subject: | because I ran the raods ALLLLL day yesterday
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.189.59 (Why?)
and it sucks.
Going to go in and add the dark skies, and maybe add rain hopefully this morning...and then add the crap.
R
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/8/2010 9:54 am
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| Subject: | and it sucks?
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Poster's IP address: 71.7.161.13 (Why?)
I doubt it!
Can't wait to read it actually so get it up!
;-)
Hope you're feeling better today.
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 8/2/2010 11:06 pm
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| Subject: | Speaking of Revisions & Trimming...
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Related Link: http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/
Poster's IP address: 68.74.75.194 (Why?)
The Edittorrent editors at the above link have a new sparkly blog entry on the topic. They're inviting you to share your revised sentences there with them (decluttering, we've called it around here). So go take a look and read. It's a great topic. And if you share a sentence there (or don't want to share one there but would like to explore this theme) share it here too!
Me? I'm a horrible clutterer on a 1st draft. I wind up picking away at sentences as I revise to smooth them out but lordy they're wordy when they're first put to paper.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/30/2010 0:30 am
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| Subject: | Revision Exercise: Part 1
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.67.108 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 7/30/2010 0:30 am
A few weeks ago we talked about tackling revision. For the exercise, I asked interested peeps to write a scene "flash fic style" (for more details see the exercise post below) with a maximum word count of 1400 words. Per request, the deadline was extended to this Friday. :)
Since these pieces were written "flash fic style" - meaning they were written and edited all in 60 minutes - we definitely have a 1st Draft Scenario at it's best. It also means these are definitely rough 1st drafts. And that's okay. Our goal in posting these pieces is to start rough and explore all the different elements to consider as we go through multiple revisions.
So here's what everybody needs to do:
1. Post your piece in a reply to this post. Add whatever title you want.
2. At the top of your post include ANY feedback directions you want. Looking for general feedback? Say so. Just want to know if somebody liked a certain element or if something didn't work for them... or maybe what people thought of a specific element such as, say, sensory detail, dialogue, or maybe POV? Put that right at the top.
NOTE: NO LINE BY LINE CRITS for the Exercise
THEN
Readers/critique peeps...
Give your feedback, keeping in mind the author's crit request. Be constructive, supportive, and helpful.
The goal here is to point out what works and doesn't work and why, not to fix it "for" the author. So if you see Passive voice, point it out, but don't rewrite the sentence. We're aiming to help an author build their revision muscles. Can't do that if somebody else is doing the heavy lifting. Get it?
Authors, that is NOT to say that if you are confused or don't understand something, you shouldn't ask. Always ask for clarification, okay? And we will have an entire week during which we'll work on smoothing out these pieces after our first round of revisions. During that time we can tackle any questions or confusion and get more "hands on" with your piece.
Anywhoo... Helpful Vs. Not Helpful:
"I didn't like this" is not helpful.
"I had problems when the hero did XYZ because..." is specific and helpful.
The goal here is to help guide the writer toward what they need to tighten, polish, and improve for our NEXT revision challenge (we'll start getting into specific revision topics for Parts 2+ of this exercise)
We will read and crit part 1 of this exercise from Friday, July 30th - Friday August 6th)
***NOTE: If you post a piece to be critiqued, PLEASE be sure to read and give feedback on the other pieces posted. You'll be amazed what you can learn by examining the writing of others PLUS it's a nice give and take and way to get to know the forum members.
If you have any questions, just holler.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/30/2010 8:56 pm
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| Subject: | I'm a loser...
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Poster's IP address: 24.89.240.221 (Why?)
I didn't get a chance to write this week (been battling headaches, general exhaustion, stress, and sleeping away most of my evenings once I get home from work). I really wanted to do this one too.
I even have a teensy, tiny smidgen of an idea of what to write about....but never got the chance to do it. I might still write something just for the fun of it and my own "exercising" of the creative muscle.
Though I won't be able to post a story, I'll still try to read and comment.
Sorry - I dropped the ball this time.
Suann
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/30/2010 9:20 pm
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| Subject: | Hey you still have a week, technically, so don't give up.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.67.197 (Why?)
Plus it's not like you can't enter "later" in the process. And this IS going to be a process. So IMO if you write it between now and next friday? All good.
JT
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twice and lost it as i'm still figuring out the new kinks on my new alphasmart dana. I have an sd card in it now and am half way through writing it over...will post in the morning.
R
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.67.197 (Why?)
You'll totally have to let us know what you think about that. I've eyed one for a while and now they have netbooks, so I'm all HmmMmMMM about choices. :)
JT
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| Name: | sinsational (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/31/2010 0:02 am
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| Subject: | RE: Ah the AlphaSmart
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.189.59 (Why?)
well i've used an alphasmart for years and years! LOVE it! I've had three laptops and never used them to write on as much as my alphasmart. but the dana is new for me...love the screen...so far I like it better...but it's so touchy! one click and you make a mistake and delete.
R
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/31/2010 9:13 pm
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| Subject: | Eek! that's very touchy!
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.77.150 (Why?)
I'm such a "save" freak when it comes to writing. I'm constantly hitting that save button. LOL.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/26/2010 1:34 pm
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| Subject: | CONTEST: Mills & Boon - New Voices (for Unpublished Authors)
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Related Link: http://www.romanceisnotdead.com/
Poster's IP address: 68.74.66.195 (Why?)
Mills & Boon has announced their "New Voices: Romance is not dead" contest for unplublished authors. You can find full details at the link above. Be sure to read the FULL Terms and Conditions (the T&Cs link on the site), but here's the general rundown...
Come September '10, unpublished authors can upload (wee! no postage costs!) 1 Chapter (less than 10,000 words, which to me is super generous as most first chapters are much shorter, imo) to the contest website. Each author will be allowed only *one* entry, so be sure to polish it and make it your best work.
Judging will occur in 4 Stages:
#1: Upload chapters. Writers AND Readers (so even if you didn't enter and still want to see what's going on you can read along) will be able to comment on each entry.
#2: Mills & Boon editors will select 10 finalists. Those 10 will write a 2nd chapter to their novel.
#3: Readers vote for their favorite Top 10 entry. Judges will help decide which Top 4 move to the next stage.
#4: The 4 Finalists will write the "pivotal moment" of their novel. The readers AND judges will then pick The Winner by voting for their favorites.
I don't know if anybody remembers the Avon FanLit contest held a few years ago (I entered that one, it was fun), but the Mills & Boon Contest seems to work in a rather similar way.
IF YOU LIVE IN THE UK, PLEASE NOTE: Mills & Boon editors and writers will be holding MasterClasses at various libraries during August and September, a perfect opportunity to get a jump start on what they want to see and get the inside skinny. Always very helpful.
So for unpublished authors out there, this is another great opportunity to get your work in front of editors. Take it! :) Read all the rules.
And should you want feedback or critiquing before you enter, please feel free to do so here. Oh, and if you do enter, don't be shy! Let us know! I'm sure there will be people here who'd love to contribute to the contest by reading and voting and commenting as it goes along.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/24/2010 4:54 pm
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| Subject: | Voice & Style Development #4
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.78.246 (Why?)
Take a look a the brief setup description below then look at the Revision Sentence. Rewrite that Revision Sentence in THREE DRAFTS, Show, Don't Tell, Active, Not Passive, specific, flesh out sensory detailed, make the sentence sharper, more polished, etc., so that it is not only, say, grammatically correct (non-passive or whatever else might be wrong with it), but is also reflective of:
A. Voice
B. Style
C. Specificity (in other words work toward being specific in the word choice, imagery, and references you make)
D. Characterization (i.e. further develops the perspective of your character you're imagining in this piece)
That means strive to make the sentence not only "right" but unique with hints of character POV/perspective and flavor.
PLEASE NOTE: You may - as you revise the original sentence -- break it into more than one sentence as you polish it up for the "final" version.
The Set Up: This one is straightforward -- the hero and heroine are about to have their very first kiss. The rest is up to you when you rewrite:
Revision Sentence: It was a hot day.
Remember, come up with a core sentence, then rewrite it three times so it's the best version it can be:
1st Draft Sentence:
2nd Draft Sentence
Final Sentence:
And if anybody has any questions about how or why the author got from 1st to Last draft or why they chose to revise a certain way OR the author has any comments on their thought process as they were revising? Please share/comment. It's always interesting (to me, at least), to have discussion when revising.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 12:31 am
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| Subject: | Bloomberg Business talks Romance
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Related Link: http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/10_31/b4189069953563.htm?chan=magazine+channel_etc
Poster's IP address: 68.74.78.246 (Why?)
A couple of authors I like were interviewed in this article. Interesting stuff on the trends in romance. Though the "bodice ripper" label seriously needs to be retired. A link the article is above.
Any thoughts/comments?
JT
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| Name: | Steerpike (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 4:10 pm
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| Subject: | What makes a bodice-ripper?
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Poster's IP address: 24.32.185.79 (Why?)
Does it have to be a 17th or 18th century piece, or thereabouts, where some woman meets a man who is barely civil, gets ravished, and then realizes he's really the perfect man for her?
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 4:14 pm
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| Subject: | Or a story that takes place during the cival war *W* (nm)
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
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| Name: | Steerpike (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 4:17 pm
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| Subject: | Ah yes...can't forget those!
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Poster's IP address: 24.32.185.79 (Why?)
They do all seem to have similar thematic elements, don't they?
(btw, Joss Whedon is a jackass. That's my new stance).
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| Name: | Steerpike (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 4:22 pm
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| Subject: | Well, here's the thing...
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Poster's IP address: 24.32.185.79 (Why?)
I'm finally getting through the last season of Angel. As evidence of Whedon's jackassiness, I offer the following:
1. Cordelia finally wakes up to help out the gang. Things could go well with her and Angel. Cordelia dies.
2. Fred and Wesley finally get past whatever their hangups are and acknowledge their feelings for each other. Fred dies.
Whedon has some kind of deep-seated psychological trait (medically known as Jackassus interruptus) that prevents him from having any relationship between characters on those two shows that don't end in death or some terrible tragedy.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 4:35 pm
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| Subject: | RE: What makes a bodice-ripper?
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.78.246 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 7/23/2010 4:35 pm
The first reference came from the New York Times in 1980.
"Women too have their pornography: Harlequin romances, novels of 'sweet savagery,' - bodice-rippers."
The definition winds up being something like:
Romance set in the past and having a formulaic plot that features scenes of sexual passion and violent action (usually including a weak heroine and an overly assertive alpha male).
A lot of these books included hero raping heroine which for some reason that totally escapes me was a romantic theme "back in the day" and not just in romance novels but on TV like with Luke and Laura of General Hospital.
It basically was a phrase coined by the covers, is considered derogatory these days. But to me? It's just a label that doesn't fit anymore. I.E. Uneducated. But then a lot of people talk downn about romance novels and either wind up confessing they've never read one or the last one they did read was from 1976.
JT
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 9:28 am
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| Subject: | One of the funniest book trailers I have 'ever' seen
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Related Link: http://www.byseanferrell.com/2010/07/numb_video.html
Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
caution urged: avoid eating or drinking anything while you watch...
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| Name: | donnalee (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 10:41 am
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| Subject: | RE: One of the funniest book trailers I have 'ever' seen
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Poster's IP address: 71.50.155.143 (Why?)
LOL, that was cute:o)
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.78.246 (Why?)
Book trailers are really hard, I think, but that one is funny and unique. Very cool. The other one I liked -- though technically not an authentic trailer -- was the one done by the Smart Bitches for the Twilight book way back. Funniest thing ever. Gotta love a good sense of humor and I admit... I'd pick up his book at the store and look at it. Probably never would have heard of it otherwise.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/21/2010 12:07 am
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| Subject: | Tackling Revision DEADLINE EXTENDED
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Related Link: http://writers-bbs.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?action=read&forum=romance_h&message=11534-1
Poster's IP address: 68.74.72.118 (Why?)
Due to requests and illness, I'm extending the deadline for Part 1 of the revision exercise to *next* friday. That's July 30th. For full exercise details, just check out the link above.
Thanks!
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 11:00 pm
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| Subject: | Passive Voice: The Sequel
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Related Link: http://www.smarthinking.com/static/document_library/docs/writeman/4_05.cfm
Poster's IP address: 68.74.75.2 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 7/20/2010 11:00 pm
When I think passive voice, I think about what we talked about below -- the phrasing of a sentence that places the object before the subject, creating a sentence like this:
The ship (object) was rocked (past tense & passive voice creating verb) by the rough winds (subject).
Kicking this sentence out of passive is a simple rearrangement;
Rough winds rocked the ship.
But there's another "passive voice" creator and that's Nominalization.
Nominalization occurs when a verb or adjective is turned into a noun. It's another passive voice writing style easily ferreted out and fixed. By fixing nominalizations, you lose the vagueness of your writing (always a very good thing) and make it both active AND specific. Plus and plus when it comes to writing.
According to the Cruious Case of the Misplaced Modifier by Bonnie Trenga, there are 3 things to look for to help you identify nominalization:
1. The appearance of a word such as: a, an, the, his, her, there OR several
2. The word "of."
3. A noun such as utilization, sadness OR taking. ***This is the ONLY one of these 3 that will ALWAYS appear in nominalization
Now personally I found this whole idea fascinating because in all the reading I've ever done about passive voice, I've never, ever heard someone mention nominalization.
So what does nominalization look like? Here's an example from the Curious Case... book:
The screeching unnerved the rookie.
The last step was the collection of the victim's dusty bunnies.
The senior citizen responded to the would-be robber with an exclamation: "Get your hands off my dentures!"
So why are each of those week? Ask yourself:
Who is doing the screeching in sentence #1?
Who is collecting the evidence in sentence #2?
We don't know. And that makes the sentence vague. How do we fix it? Simple.
Trenga's fixes are:
The screeching unnerved the rookie.
The uncooperative suspect screeched, unnerving the rookie.
The last step was the collection of the victim's dusty bunnies.
The forensic team collected the victim's dust bunnies just before leaving the crime scene.
The senior citizen responded to the would-be robber with an exclamation: "Get your hands off my dentures!"
The senior citizen exclaimed to the would-be robber, "Get your hands off my dentures!"
Nominalization leaves out the subject, making things vague and confusing. Nominalizations are also wordy and can also appear with other passive voice indicators. So fixing one will often fix the other.
As always, there's always a BUT involved. Sometimes nominalization isn't bad. If you don't know who is doing the action or the subject is unimportant? Leave it out.
How would YOU fix these sentences, from Smart Thinking[dot]com courtesy of the link above (along with more info on Nominalization -- NOTE: The link also contains the solution to the sentences below, should you want to check your work after) to eliminate the nominalization?
1. The children made their Christmas discovery.
2. It seems to me that that is inapplicable
3. Lara looked at Jack with condemnation
JT
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
My brain just exploded.
Or should that be: this subject made my brain explode.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/21/2010 12:02 am
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| Subject: | I don't think this is something you do....
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.72.118 (Why?)
I haven't noticed it, at least. But yeah, new topic for me as well. Again, it all seems triggered by the backward arrangement of a sentence. So it seems like if you keep the order correct, you avoid the passive voice creators. I had to read the nominalization stuff a few times before what they were talking about sank in.
JT
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 9:35 am
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| Subject: | The Myth of the Evil Editor
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Related Link: http://accrispin.blogspot.com/
Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
When I replied that I've worked with three editors at five large publishers over the course of seven novels, and have never had my work mutilated or adulterated, much less transformed into a cookie, she told me that I was "very lucky," for she knew of many writers who'd had the opposite experience.
I didn't ask her who those writers were. If I had, I suspect I would have gotten a vague response about a friend of a friend, or an article she'd seen at some point, or some other form of non-first-hand information.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 11:53 am
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| Subject: | So... you're looking to get me in trouble today?
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.75.2 (Why?)
I'm just gonna say that it is an editor's job to turn your book into something that is marketable and sells. It is the editor's job to work with the writer to make that happen.
Writing a book isn't easy. And there is always going to be something about it that needs smoothing, fixing, developing, etc. So just because "the end" is on it doesn't mean you're done working on it. I've gone through the revision process on my last book and I loved the suggestions. I thought the things the editor caught were interesting (left me rather with that d'oh! why didn't I think of that!? moment) and in the end I liked the book *better.*
Reading through the comments left on the blog, I wasn't at all surprised to hear that some self-publishing website was all "traditional publisher are eeeevvvvvil and will destroy you." They're selling a product that they want you to pay for. Traditional publishers pay you for the book. Shrug. NOTE: Not saying self-publishing is a bad thing. But it's like expected Chevy to say "Well, ya know, Ford makes a darn fine car, you should shop there."
So if anybody thinks they're going to submit a story and not have anything changed? Seriously. Think again. There will be changes to *something,* *somewhere.*
But I'll just wrap it up and say I totally agree with the last 2 paragraphs of that blog.
JT
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Body:
Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
and the reader comments say pretty much the same thing.
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 9:31 am
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| Subject: | RWA Dings Dorchester Over Unpaid Bills?
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Body:
Related Link: http://blogs.publishersweekly.com/blogs/PWxyz/?p=260RT
Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
Just thought I'd pass this along
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 11:34 am
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| Subject: | Huh. That's interesting.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.75.2 (Why?)
Writers have been hearing rumors about "a publisher" for a while now. No clue if this ties into that... But RWA does have a list of standards a publisher must meet in order to be RWA approved.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 12:31 am
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| Subject: | Voice & Style Development #3
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
Take a look a the brief setup description below then look at the Revision Sentence. Rewrite that Revision Sentence in THREE DRAFTS, Show, Don't Tell, Active, Not Passive, specific, flesh out sensory detailed, make the sentence sharper, more polished, etc., so that it is not only, say, grammatically correct (non-passive or whatever else might be wrong with it), but is also reflective of:
A. Voice
B. Style
C. Specificity (in other words work toward being specific in the word choice, imagery, and references you make)
D. Characterization (i.e. further develops the perspective of your character you're imagining in this piece)
That means strive to make the sentence not only "right" but unique with hints of character POV/perspective and flavor.
PLEASE NOTE: You may - as you revise the original sentence -- break it into more than one sentence as you polish it up for the "final" version.
The Set Up: This one is straightforward -- the hero and heroine are about to have their very first kiss. The rest is up to you when you rewrite:
Revision Sentence: He kissed her.
Remember, come up with a core sentence, then rewrite it three times so it's the best version it can be:
1st Draft Sentence:
2nd Draft Sentence
Final Sentence:
And if anybody has any questions about how or why the author got from 1st to Last draft or why they chose to revise a certain way OR the author has any comments on their thought process as they were revising? Please share/comment. It's always interesting (to me, at least), to have discussion when revising.
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 1:58 pm
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| Subject: | Geez, I could go at this all day :)
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
He kissed her.
1- He searched her gaze, leaned in and touched his lips hers.
2- He drew closer, looked into her eyes and dropped his gaze to her mouth as she licked her lips. He leaned in and touched his mouth to hers, gently, tentatively, deepening the kiss when she began to respond.
3- He drew closer, the warm scent of bayberry and soap filling her head and the heat of his body seeping into her cold flesh. When she gulped and licked her lips in anticipation, his hungry gaze dropped to her mouth. He leaned in, cupped her chin between his thumb and forefinger, angling her head to touch his velvety lips to hers, gently, tentatively, only deepening the kiss once she began to respond.
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Poster's IP address: 209.248.215.100 (Why?)
the Revision Sentence might be best left alone, right?
But maybe I'll play with it when I get home :)
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 2:15 pm
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| Subject: | RE: In some instances...
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
Oh, totally. There are always times when "just saying it" is perfectly fine. But for the purpose of these exercises, we're looking to explore style and voice, and taking something as simple as "he kissed her" and revising it with all the points in mind should help the writer really see how a simple sentence can involve into something not only more concrete, more specific, and more visual, but also reflect their own tone, voice and style. Style & Voice became quite the conversation here a little while ago, and I think if you're looking at a larger piece you sometimes don't see the forest for the trees. So taking something smaller and tackling it might make things a bit clearer.
JT
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Poster's IP address: 209.248.215.100 (Why?)
That's why I may come back and play with it after work.
But I just HAD to go an be contrary, for at least a moment!
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 2:27 pm
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| Subject: | LOL, I know. But it's a good point
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
Sometimes a sentence is fine the way it is. That's where all that writer judgment comes into play.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 2:26 pm
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| Subject: | RE: Voice & Style Development #3
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
Revision Sentence: He kissed her.
Okay I'm going simple here. You could flesh this out forever. LOL.
1st Draft Sentence:
James kissed her.
2nd Draft Sentence:
He dipped his head and brushed his lips across hers.
Final Sentence:
He took her mouth, loving the way her gasp of surprise melted into a purring moan of pleasure. He was right. She did taste like peaches. Sweet and luscious and - if he wasn't careful - addicting.
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 3:07 pm
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| Subject: | Now that's the way to do it.
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
I love your voice.
Wish I could write that way :(
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 4:56 pm
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| Subject: | I think these short exercises are a good way to identify those parts
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
that we think are "lacking" in our own. Now I'm curious. What was it about mine that you think is lacking in yours?
JT
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Poster's IP address: 76.65.68.55 (Why?)
using little words, bam, I'm there.
Maybe it's the element of surprise. It's not 'my' writing, therefore it has more of an impact?
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 8:23 pm
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| Subject: | We're always hyper critical of ourselves. nfm
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 11:03 am
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| Subject: | So What's Everybody Working On?
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
Figured it was time for a project-status update. :)
Me? I've got a couple of idea proposals out, just wrapped up my entries for the Drive 'em Wilde contest as well as the chapters for Brenda Novak's mentorship contest. The last bits were mailed out this weekend, in fact. I'm also working on a paranormal romance. So for now it's a bit of wait-and-see mixed with writing forward on the paranormal.
How about you?
JT
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 11:54 am
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| Subject: | Still trying to finish Book III
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
I'm maybe 4 chapters from THE END.
But I swear these days...when my brain isn't on a creative hiatus, I have to be somewhere!
Ahhhhh.
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| Name: | mm (Home Page)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 12:20 am
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| Subject: | Book III
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Poster's IP address: 199.246.2.10 (Why?)
Fantastic accomplishment, Bliss. Good luck with the final four.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 12:27 am
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| Subject: | What's with that lately?
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
That whole "have to be somewhere" thing going on the last few weeks? Mine have been the same way. I think I was out almost every day last week and the week before that. Appointments, dinners with people, etc., etc. I was constantly on the run with tons to do at home. LOL. It never fails, does it?
And wow... the final 4 chapters? You're on a roll, baby! Congrats!
JT
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| Name: | mm (Home Page)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 12:14 am
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| Subject: | RE: So What's Everybody Working On?
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Poster's IP address: 199.246.2.10 (Why?)
Edited by mm on 7/19/2010 12:14 am
I've started the editing process for Addy, a book I started years ago and then abandoned. I picked it up last August, rewrote it from scratch and have finally reached a point where I can say I'm editing, rather than writing the damned thing it.
And, despite fears I would hate editing, it has turned out to be a pleasant process.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 12:26 am
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| Subject: | Revisions can be a lot of fun
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
Especially when you find yourself carving out more and more of it and really polishing it up to strengthen the story. It's a fabulous feeling to see something you created emerging and getting better. :)
JT
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
and I've found the more you edit, the more it becomes automatic as you write. Hence less editing for future work ;)
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.70 (Why?)
Though I find I always have the same issues with my first drafts. LOL. Lots of "that" and those "to be" verbs. I'm rarely passive, but wordy? Ooooh yeah.
But we'll get to that with that revision exercise mentioned below. ;)
JT
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| Name: | mm (Home Page)
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| Date/Time: | 7/19/2010 5:28 pm
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| Subject: | I'm finding the opposite
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Poster's IP address: 67.201.168.45 (Why?)
In many spots, the first draft is too lean, and the revision process is giving me a chance to flesh out parts that need it.
I'm enjoying it - it's a treat to be at this stage.
Question: Does anyone know the shortcut keys on a netbook keyboard for em- and en-dashes?
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
There is a difference between pulling out something you wrote several years ago and editing something you just now wrote.
First, as an artist, you've evolved. You've improved your craft and you've learned, so of course working on something older may seem like you're finding a lot of flaws (and you should be).
But you'll find that once you've gotten through the rewrite, per se, you'll still need to 'edit' at one point.
To me, a rewrite and an edit are two different things.
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| Name: | mm (Home Page)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 5:35 pm
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| Subject: | I had to go back
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Poster's IP address: 67.201.168.45 (Why?)
and reread what I originally posted. I'm done the rewrite. Now I'm going through and editing the rewrite.
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 6:32 pm
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| Subject: | You are sooo right on that one Bliss..
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Poster's IP address: 96.30.129.227 (Why?)
rewrites and editing are completely different.
I recently reached "The End" on my novel at the end of May. I thought I"d be going into "editing" mode...BUT after setting the thing aside for a month or more and then rereading it from start to finish, it's become apparent that, if I choose to do anything further with it, it will definitely be a rewrite and not edits - that will come later.
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 10:32 pm
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| Subject: | I adore that distance.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.75.2 (Why?)
You can so much clarity with it. You lose that "just finished rush," that love period where you think everything is just fabulous with it. After a few weeks (or months) the honeymoon is over and you can totally step back and see what really works and what needs more work. :)
JT
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| Name: | Susan
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| Date/Time: | 7/21/2010 8:08 pm
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| Subject: | About those dashes, MM.....
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Poster's IP address: 146.186.80.26 (Why?)
I don't know what word processing program you're using, but in Word you would go into the program settings to automatically create em-dashes from double hyphens.
S.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/22/2010 2:46 am
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| Subject: | I know there's a keyboard shortcut, I just can't think of it.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.72.118 (Why?)
And i'm not sure it works on netbooks. I shall continue to ponder...
JT
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| Name: | mm (Home Page)
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| Date/Time: | 7/22/2010 6:47 am
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| Subject: | Susan and Jewel
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Poster's IP address: 67.201.168.45 (Why?)
thanks for the help.
Susan, I have Word set to substitute em- and en-dashes, but it only seems to work sometimes. I've tried turning it off then on again. We'll see how that works.
Jewel, I know the shortcut keys for a regular keyboard, but I'm not sure what they are for the smaller, laptop-style keyboard. Hopefully resetting the Word setting will eliminate the need.
Thanks again.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/18/2010 1:03 pm
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| Subject: | Submitting to a Publisher/Editor or Agents
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.216 (Why?)
Afer Bliss posted the SlushPile Hell blog link below (and I encourage everybody to read through the posts on that thing) I figured it was time to talk about submissions Dos and Don'ts.
There's a lot of Dos and Don'ts and this only touches the tip of the iceberg. If you have suggestions for the list, please add them in your replies. If you have questions or have heard stories or rumors about the submission process, please add them and we'll do our best to address them. :)
JT
DO: Always research the editor and/or agent to make sure they represent the type of material you're submitting. That means reading their guidelines carefully and thoroughly.
DON'T: Submit material to an editor or agent if that specific genre is NOT included in their guidelines. Ex: "I know you said 'no romance' in your guidelines, but I think my book is superfantasticexcellenta enough to change your mind!" or "I know you don't publish cookbooks but..."
DO: Be professional at all times
DON'T: Make an ass out of yourself. Publishing is a small, small world and word gets around... or gets you featured in a blog by an editor. ;)
DO: Practice writing queries. Look for samples online. Read books about them. Ditto with synopsis and manuscript preparation. Always send your best quality work. Always.
DON'T: Send in sloppy *anything*. Proofread, polish, print fresh copy.
DO: Keep your correspondence professional and polite. Interact with publishers and editors like you'd correspond with your boss, your mother, or your grandmother. Respectful. Polite. To the point.
DON'T: Go casual. Rude.
DO: Tell the publisher/editor about any achievements or recognition. Organizations (like the RWA, for example) that you belong to. Contest wins (Golden Heart, etc), and any other relevant information about you that gives your writing credibility. If you were a race car driver and you're writing about race cars... Get it? :)
DON'T: Tell the publisher/editor the manuscript has been turned down by 100000 publishers or editors before them. Include irrelevant information about yourself ("My friends say I'm witty." or "I'm a housewife from Oklahoma with 2 pugs, a tendency to chew my nails when I'm nervous, and a mad craving for chocolate chip cookies!")
DO: Know the hook of your story. Theme doesn't hurt either. Neither does a log line.
DON'T: Ramble. Queries, cover letters, synopsis, etc., are all reflections of your writing. If those are awkward, boring, insulting, etc., then chances are the editor or publisher is going to think your manuscript is the same way and the chances of a request just went down the drain.
DO: BE PATIENT! I think this is the most overlooked tip when it comes to submissions. Publishing does not move quickly. It takes time. And when a publisher or editor gets hundreds of submissions a month (if not a week), things back up. The slushpile grows. It can take a while to even READ a query letter, let alone respond. I see a lot of "I queried the editor a week ago and still haven't heard! Should I email/call/write again!?" Um. No.
Here are my rule-of-thumb wait times for when you should start anticipating a response:
Query: 3 months
Synopsis w/3 sample chapters: 3 - 6 months
Full Manuscript: 6 - 12 months
DON'T: Expect immediate responses, email and/or call the editor/agent to demand why you haven't heard from them. (note: You may inquire on status after a reasonable amount of time, especially on a full manuscript submission)
DO: Include how the book ends in your synopsis
DON'T: End your synopsis with "and if you want to find out what happens next, request my book!"
DO: Research to see if the editor/agent prefers snail mail (good old fashioned mail) or email for each stage of the submission process and USE THAT METHOD
DON'T: Ignore specific editor/agent directions for the submission process
DO: Send what the editor/agent requests. If it's a query, send a query. If they want a synopsis and 3 chapters, send that.
DON'T: Send a full manuscript if the editor/agent asks for a query first
DO: Mark "Requested Material Enclosed" on an envelope containing requested material.
DON'T: Ever, ever, ever, EVER mark "requested material" on an envelope that HAS NOT BEEN REQUESTED! I can't count the # of times I've heard people say it's okay to do this. It is not. Editors and Agents may be busy but they are NOT that busy. They know what they've requested. Doing this is dishonest and do you really want your first experience with an editor or agent to be a lie? Talk about your bad first impressions.
DO: Send only the types of materials requested by the editor or agent
DON'T: Send illustrations, pictures, drawings, etc.
DO: Supply a nice, clean, neat, well-printed version of your chapters and manuscript. If you don't have a nice printer, take it an OfficeMax or something like that to have them print it for you (God bless flash drives!)
DON'T: Bind your manuscript in any way (bind as in spiral bound, binder, hole punched, etc. Keeping it neatly aligned with a rubber band when you mail is fine)
These should be no-brainers but... just in case...
+Proofread all correspondence
+ Be professional at all times
+ Do not threaten, promise, or swear
+ Don't make claims you can't back up
+ Never pay reading fees
+ Resist the urge to argue. Resist the urge to write back after a rejection to blast that person and call
them a moron. If it's a form rejection, file it away. If it's a more personalized rejection, a nice "thank you" letter is never a bad idea.
+ NEVER type in all caps
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/17/2010 1:18 pm
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| Subject: | We're going to tackle revising
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.131 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 7/17/2010 1:18 pm
One of the topics a member said they'd like to see discussed is revisions: how to go over your work with an "editorial eye" and polish it up, strengthen it, trim and de-clutter, etc.
To make this easier (and actually effective) here's what I'd like everybody to do:
Take the prompt below and, in flash fiction style, write a short scene based on the prompt below. Flash Fiction Style means you write the scene, edit the scene and post it all in ONE HOUR. This will give you the piece you are then going to revise in the revision exercises over the next few weeks.
We are NOT looking for perfect and smooth. We're looking for 1st draft here.
We are NOT looking for line by line critique because this is a first draft. General comments or a "I liked this" "this part didn't work for me... I found this confusing" type are fine. Think HELPFUL so that when the author comes back to revise the first time, they have some guiding comments to help them.
You can write your scene whenever you want by PLEASE try to have your 1400 words done and posted no later than Friday, June 23rd.
The Prompt: Hot Pink
Questions? Holler!
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/20/2010 6:41 pm
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| Subject: | I might be interested in giving this one a try but....
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Poster's IP address: 96.30.129.227 (Why?)
I'm not sure I'll be able to get an entry in by Friday.
Also, this is the romance forum but I don't write romance per se. How do you feel about a little fantasy/horror invading your space?
Suann
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.189.59 (Why?)
I was hoping you'd be interested!
so now our question to you JT is... will you extend? even a day or two would help me.
was going to try to write something tonight but I havea major headache!!!
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/21/2010 12:05 am
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| Subject: | Headaches must be making the rounds. Mine was awful today!
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.72.118 (Why?)
I finally caved and took something and then took a nap yesterday. LOL. Feeling better this a.m., but we'll see. So yes, consider it extended. We'll make the deadline NEXT Friday. Sound good?
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/21/2010 7:31 pm
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| Subject: | Perfect!
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Poster's IP address: 96.30.132.200 (Why?)
I certainly should have the chance to do this by next Friday.
Kind of excited about it actually!
And...headaches...you both (Julie and Rhoda) aren't kiddin'. I've had 'em here too! I blame it on the heat! ;-)
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/21/2010 12:04 am
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| Subject: | Suann, don't worry about genre. This is one of those 'catch all' exercises.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.72.118 (Why?)
And revising is the same no matter what genre you're writing. :)
As for the friday deadline, don't worry about that either. I've been blah the last few days so I haven't done much but sleep. So I doubt we'll do anything with it before Monday. If people need more time, we'll push it back another week. I'm flexible.
JT
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| Name: | Susan
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| Date/Time: | 7/21/2010 7:33 pm
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| Subject: | Because I'm at work, and very tired.......
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Body:
Poster's IP address: 146.186.80.26 (Why?)
.....I thought your post read, ". . . don't worry about gender".
I thought that was an interesting way to approach romance writing. :-)
S.
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/22/2010 9:40 pm
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| Subject: | lol..there's the next romance challenge....
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Poster's IP address: 96.30.132.200 (Why?)
a same sex romance! ;-)
S
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.78.246 (Why?)
There's a market for it. In fact, I recall reading some article that said romance readers will also often read erotica AND same sex romance novels.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/28/2010 7:44 pm
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| Subject: | Oh, I'm definitely not knocking it....
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Poster's IP address: 96.30.133.180 (Why?)
in fact, the short story I had the "revision request" on but never edited and re-submitted was of this nature. (still banging my head over that one).
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/16/2010 11:42 am
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| Subject: | Drive 'Em Wilde Contest: Deadline Extended
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Related Link: http://www.savvyauthors.com/event.cfm?EventID=510
Poster's IP address: 68.74.66.110 (Why?)
Just found out that the deadline for submission entry has been extended to July 20th (midnight) due to a "shortage in entries in the Erotic and Historical categories". Entrants in other categories can use the extended deadline to update their files.
Know any erotica or historical writers? Be sure to let them know about the contest. The link is above.
JT
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Related Link: http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com/page/1
Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
I do believe the name says it all.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/16/2010 11:36 am
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| Subject: | Dear God. Do we need to talk about the submission process?
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.66.110 (Why?)
Because that's something we haven't really talked about a lot. It's not rocket science. You don't have to *do* or say anything out there or weird or... *sigh*
We're gonna have to talk about submissions.
JT
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
I honestly can not believe some of those answers...
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| Name: | donnalee (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/16/2010 7:22 pm
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| Subject: | RE: Dear God. Do we need to talk about the submission process?
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Poster's IP address: 71.50.159.155 (Why?)
I really needed something to make me smile today. I passed on to my writer's groups. Thank you!
(but I don't wanna talk about it. Its so depressing, submissions, rejections, and all that. I have never gotten any rejections so funny though)
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/17/2010 1:11 pm
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| Subject: | The thing about rejections is -- by and large --
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.131 (Why?)
They're not really about you. They're about the story. Not necessarily an indication of the level or writing or whether or not you can tell a story, but the actual story itself. Whether it fits the publishers needs, fits the vibe of the stories they publish, etc, etc. Had that happen this past week, actually. Frustratingly close but not a bulls-eye. So now it's step back, study the publisher again, reconsider, re-pitch, and hope its more on target.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/10/2010 4:31 pm
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| Subject: | Voice & Style Development #2
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.72.58 (Why?)
Take a look a the brief setup description below then look at the Revision Sentence. Rewrite that Revision Sentence in THREE DRAFTS, Show, Don't Tell, Active, Not Passive, specific, flesh out sensory detailed, make the sentence sharper, more polished, etc., so that it is not only, say, grammatically correct (non-passive or whatever else might be wrong with it), but is also reflective of:
A. Voice
B. Style
C. Specificity (in other words work toward being specific in the word choice, imagery, and references you make)
D. Characterization (i.e. further develops the perspective of your character you're imagining in this piece)
That means strive to make the sentence not only "right" but unique with hints of character POV/perspective and flavor.
PLEASE NOTE: You may - as you revise the original sentence -- break it into more than one sentence as you polish it up for the "final" version.
The Set Up: The hero and heroine meet for lunch after having sex for the first time. It was an unexpected thing. One of them is glad it happened, the other is as well BUT is afraid/uncertain that the other might see it as a mistake (you get to decide which character is which).
Revision Sentence: He took her hand and said, "About last night..."
Remember, come up with a core sentence, then rewrite it three times so it's the best version it can be:
1st Draft Sentence:
2nd Draft Sentence
Final Sentence:
And if anybody has any questions about how or why the author got from 1st to Last draft or why they chose to revise a certain way OR the author has any comments on their thought process as they were revising? Please share/comment. It's always interesting (to me, at least), to have discussion when revising.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/10/2010 9:08 pm
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| Subject: | RE: Voice & Style Development #2
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.72.58 (Why?)
The Set Up: The hero and heroine meet for lunch after having sex for the first time. It was an unexpected thing. One of them is glad it happened, the other is as well BUT is afraid/uncertain that the other might see it as a mistake (you get to decide which character is which).
Revision Sentence: He took her hand and said, "About last night..."
Revision Sentence: He took her hand and said, "About last night..."
1st Draft Sentence: He reached across the table and covered her hands with his. "About last night..."
2nd Draft Sentence: Justin waited for her to look at him, but when she didn't -- when she kept her gaze downcast and kept worrying her bottom lip between her teeth -- he reached across the table and covered her hand with his. "Tess, about last night..."
Final Sentence: Justin watched as a pink flush sweep across her cheeks. He waited for her to look at him, but she didn't. She kept her gaze riveted on her plate as if she'd never seen a BLT before and kept worrying her ripe, peach-colored bottom lip between her teeth. Sighing, he reached across the table to cover her hand, stilling it in mid-silverware-fiddle. Her hand tensed under his. Her pulse fluttered wildly at the base of her throat, and a shiver -- just like the one he'd felt last night when he'd brushed his lips against the back of her neck -- rippled through her.
He stroked his thumb across the curve of her knuckles, heard her breath catch. He traced the long, smooth line of her fingers down to the tips, then up again. "Tess," he murmured as he leaned closer, his voice turning husky and hot. "About last night..."
Hm. Okay so I'm sure it can be smoothed out even more, but that's 3 versions. LOL. So I'll stop.
JT
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.5 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 7/6/2010 12:55 am
I had this short exercise pop into my head this morning and I thought it might be fun to tackle. We've talked about Voice & Style many times on and off through the years, so here is a simple, quick way to explore that.
All you have to do is read the brief setup description below then look at the Revision Sentence. Then rewrite that Revision Sentence THREE TIMES, narrowing it down, sharpening it, polishing it up, so that it is not only, say, grammatically correct (non-passive or whatever else might be wrong with it), but is also reflective of:
A. Voice
B. Style
C. Specificity (in other words work toward being specific in the word choice, imagery, and references you make)
D. Characterization (i.e. further develops the perspective of your character you're imagining in this piece)
That means strive to make the sentence not only "right" but unique with hints of character POV/perspective and flavor.
PLEASE NOTE: You may - as you revise the original sentence -- break it into more than one sentence as you polish it up for the "final" version.
The Set Up: The hero is visiting the heroine at her home. She's a homebody, very crafty, very nurturing, and that nurturing is reflected in her backyard where she gardens. The heroine has been delayed inside. The hero has stepped out through the back door, into the back yard, stops and reacts to the yard.
Revision Sentence: It was a Hallmark card.
Remember, come up with a core sentence, then rewrite it three times so it's the best version it can be:
1st Draft Sentence:
2nd Draft Sentence
Final Sentence:
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/6/2010 12:59 am
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| Subject: | Voice & Style: It was a Hallmark card.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.5 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 7/6/2010 12:59 am
Okay I just whipped off this example so you guys would get an idea of what I'm aiming for with this exercise. If you have questions, holler. I'll be in and out during the day.
JT
Revision Sentence: It was a Hallmark card.
1st Draft Sentence
The garden was a Hallmark card.
2nd Draft Sentence
The garden leapt straight off a Hallmark card.
Final Sentence:
Fricking hell, Harrison thought as he stood on the porch. He stared at the watercolor splashes of tree and flower blooms dotting the canvas of Emma's backyard. The woman lived in a Goddamned Halllmark card.
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Poster's IP address: 67.238.239.145 (Why?)
Not sure I have the right idea:
1. Pink roses tumbled over the arbor that arched across the garden path like an image on a Hallmark card. Jordan turned to watch Annabel walk down the path to meet him with tall glasses of lemonade. Their eyes met as they sipped.
2. Like a watercolor painting on a Hallmark card, the path curled around pastel splashes of color. Jordan picked a rose and tucked it in Annabel’s hair, then kissed her hand.
3. Annabel’s garden resembled a scene on a Hallmark card, with a fountain cooling the surrounding azaleas and dogwood. Jordan waited under the rose arbor. He inhaled the perfume of Jasmine, and imagined Annabel reclining in his arms under the shade of a magnolia tree.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.5 (Why?)
It's just taking a rather "blah" kind of sentence and reworking it into a vision of your own, improving it a little bit by bit as you go through the different versions (after all, revisions usually require multiple attempts), and seeing how you can get more and more out of a sentence (setting, emotion, theme, character, voice, style, etc) by making really simple changes. There's really no "right or wrong" here. Just play to see how you can evolve a sentence.
JT
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Poster's IP address: 67.238.239.145 (Why?)
Thank you. That gives me something to think about as I edit along.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/7/2010 12:16 am
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| Subject: | That's what I thought too when the example came to me
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.66.108 (Why?)
The whole "hmmm... never thought about it that way" moment. LOL. Sometimes the simplest things can knock perception. I thought this might be an exercise revisited now and then with different examples. As a wise person said once (well, wise ala TV Land) A solution doesn't have to be complicated to work. ;)
JT
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.173 (Why?)
A little while back, I asked about topics members would like to see discussed and tackled. I believe we've covered almost all of them but one we haven't done is the subject of Editing/Revisions.
We all have to edit and revise our work, obviously, and it can see like a very daunting task. So I thought we'd start off with a few questions and then narrow down the focus to take the most common issues one at a time. :)
When you think about editing/revising, what questions come to your mind?
What do you think is your biggest challenge in editing/revising?
What method(s) - if any - do you use when beginning revisions on your work?
JT
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Poster's IP address: 67.238.239.145 (Why?)
1- Its not that fun;o)
2- My biggest challenge are COMMAS and passive voice.
3- Thank heaven for my local writers' groups (I belong to two) and some good writer friends who help edit after I have done it to death. The novel I just finished (took me 15 years - not that I was writing it all that time, but it kept getting pushed to the back burner)I used one read-through devoted just to getting all my place and people names consistent. That was a huge job.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/4/2010 11:58 am
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| Subject: | RE: Editing & Revisions
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.173 (Why?)
Commas. Ick. I'm okay with them, but I always manage to toss a few in there that are wrong. LOL. Fortunately I have help in that department. :)
Passive voice is a good one and I'm actually reading a decent book (not too thick, either) that devotes the first 3 chapters to the different ways your writing becomes passive. I touched on the first chapter in one of the posts below and I might just add the 2nd and 3rd chapter topics as well.
I think cluttered sentences are a challenge. It can be a challenge to find that right balance between what's needed/necessary in a sentence to make it clear vs. what added words might not be necessarily necessary, help with rhythm and flow, or just outright attribute to voice.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/4/2010 12:15 am
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| Subject: | Passive ....
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Poster's IP address: 24.89.242.150 (Why?)
JT, would you mind sharing what the title of the book is that you are reading which devotes three chapters to the whoel "passive" voice/writing thing? I definitely think I could use that book too! ;-)
Thanks
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/4/2010 11:48 pm
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| Subject: | It's a book called 'The Curious Case of the ....
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.67.138 (Why?)
Misplaced Modifier: How to Solve the Mysteries of Weak Writing." By Bonnie Trenga.
I'm enjoying it so far and I really like the way she breaks down the common causes of passive voice into the 3 chapters. It's very, very helpful the way she does it. Part 1 of it is in a topic below and I can hit the highlights of 2 and 3 in future topics if you'd like. Some of them are really interesting and it's not at all complicated.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/8/2010 7:23 pm
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| Subject: | Great...I'm going to take a look for that book... nm
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When you think about editing/revising, what questions come to your mind?
Is there a way I can do it without having to read the manuscript 10 times in a row?
What do you think is your biggest challenge in editing/revising?
Um, I'm learning. I'm learning. Still have to keep an eye out for passive voice, dangling modifiers and setting.
What method(s) - if any - do you use when beginning revisions on your work?
Read it until I know every chapter by heart (hence my first question)
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/29/2010 8:24 pm
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| Subject: | Prologue vs. Chapter 1
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.159 (Why?)
There's been a lot of talk lately -- among publishers, editors and writers -- about the necessity of using a Prologue vs just making that material Chapter 1. Many argue that Prologues are unnecessary and often skipped by readers and that, more often than not, the Prologue is unnecessary as a whole (that the information can be woven into the rest of the story) OR misused by the writer.
Others maintain that a Prologue - when used correctly -- is an important part of the book's construction, citing that you need to use a Prologue for things like backstory/history or to relate past events (as in events that happen years if not decades before the opening of the story). Some will use the Prologue as an 'informational hook' that leads into Chapter 1.
So what do you think? As a reader, do you read prologues? Have you ever found them unnecessary? As a writer, have you used Prologues? When and why? What criteria do you use to decide if your story opening should be a Prologue or a Chapter 1?
JT
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| Name: | donnalee (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/30/2010 7:20 am
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| Subject: | RE: Prologue vs. Chapter 1
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Poster's IP address: 67.238.239.145 (Why?)
I ave read so much advice against using the prologue. All the reasons you mentioned. And now that I think of it, yes, I have skipped reading the proloque - but never skip an epilogue!
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/30/2010 11:51 am
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| Subject: | RE: Prologue vs. Chapter 1
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.159 (Why?)
I read a book once that had 2 Prologues. I read them the first time I read the book but whenever I re-read the book? I skip them.
JT
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/30/2010 9:12 am
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| Subject: | Of course I read the prologue!
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
I enjoy a good prologue. Frankly, I have no idea why a reader would choose to skip it. But then, I don't get folks who read the ending of a book BEFORE they buy it either. To each his own.
And yes, as a writer, I have used a prologue. In fact, my second book opens with one.
Why? Because the events take place 17 years earlier. The hero (vampire) meets the heroine (3 year old child at the time). He erases her mind, so she grows up with no knowledge of him.
AND by chapter one, the hero is attacked and he loses his memory.
Since HE doesn't remember ANYTHING about his life and SHE has no memory of him, there was no way I could let the reader in on the situation. Plus, I needed them to 'feel' a connectioni even if they had no idea why (with the prologue, the reader gets it).
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/30/2010 11:50 am
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| Subject: | Huge gaps in time is one of the legit reasons, I think, for a Prologue
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.159 (Why?)
The topic interests me at this point because one of the books I'm going to be working on created this issue. The opening I had is way back when the hero was 17. I think it adds to the story, shows a vast contrast for him "then" and "now" and will bring the book full circle with the ending I have in mind. But I found myself thinking: Chapter 1? Prologue? Chapter 1... Prologue...?
JT
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Poster's IP address: 12.239.62.141 (Why?)
Chapter 1, what's the down side?
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/30/2010 1:55 pm
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| Subject: | I don't know if there really is one.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.68.159 (Why?)
Other than the odd thought, by the reader, that wait, we just jumped 17 years between Chapter 1 and 2?
JT
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| Name: | Steerpike (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/30/2010 12:11 am
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| Subject: | Many prologues are useless...
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Poster's IP address: 12.239.62.141 (Why?)
and should be eliminated entirely. Many of the remaining prologues, the ones that are useful, should be Chapter 1.
I will skip them sometimes when they are mind-numbingly boring. You dredge your way through it and suddenly, lo and behold, the story starts in Chapter 1. Often, the prologue isn't information I need for the story, or it is information that could be provided much less painfully to the reader during the course of the story itself.
When I pick up a book at the store and it has a prologue, I'll usually flip past it to see if Chapter 1 looks interesting. On occasion I'll put the book back without even bothering to look.
One definition I saw of "prologue" is "an introductory passage before the main action of a novel...." Ok. Great. Then start with the main action, please.
The fact that an author puts in a prologue tells me that even the author knows the story starts elsewhere, that's why the author has a Chapter 1 following the prologue. But for some reason, the author has seen fit to regale me with something before starting the damn story :) Happens a lot in fantasy, where it looks like the author is so impressed with his own world-building that he's got to have a prologue dedicated to all kinds of information about it.
I can see a prologue if there is a huge gap in time, or maybe it if concerns a character who will never be seen again (one that dies at the end of the prologue, for example), but even in those instances, if the story really starts there, then why not call it Chapter 1 and be done with it.
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Edited by JewelTones on 6/30/2010 2:00 pm
but in Romance, prologues are usually used for gaps in time to establish the pre-events that trigger the main story. Ack. I don't know if that makes sense. But like... the prologue might be the hero as a kid at his parents' funeral, vowing revenge and then Chapter 1 is him as an adult stepping in to finally take that revenge. Little world building, in my experience, more a precursor of emotional conflict or story conflict. Also it helps avoid a flashback scene scenario. I am not a flashback scene fan (most of the time).
I'm on the fence with the subject myself mostly because I don't use them but can see rare instances where you might.
JT
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| Name: | Steerpike (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/30/2010 2:23 pm
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| Subject: | I suppose as long as you make it engaging...
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Poster's IP address: 12.239.62.141 (Why?)
what I see a lot is a prologue that is kind of dull and lackluster, and then when you get to Chapter 1 you see the strong first sentence, the opening hook, and what have you. Like the author didn't stop to think that those characteristics should apply to the prologue if you're going to have one.
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/1/2010 6:03 pm
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| Subject: | My two cents...
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Poster's IP address: 24.89.242.231 (Why?)
A book I read recently started:
Chapter One
November, 1858
then
Chapter Two
Present Day
Mind you, it was an urban fantasy novel but it served the purpose. Also, the book had several chapters throughout that went back in time to illustrate past events. Those chapters were just as interesting as the rest of the book.
S
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Thanks for mentioning that, Sass. :) Makes me wonder if I shouldn't just start with Chapter 1 then. Decisions, decisions...
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 6:37 am
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| Subject: | I started my current wip with...
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Chapter 1 even though the events took part 17 years in the past....and didn't even think about having my readers think "huh?" when they got to chapter 2 and the character wasn't a baby anymore but now a 17 years old lady.
(Apparently, (so I've been told), I have an issue with not thinking of my readers...I think I assume they're intelligent enough to figure it out!)
I'm starting the edits of the novel now but I still feel strongly that Chapter 1 belongs and is an important part of the story. Why didn't I use a proglogue? No real reason (I don't have an issue with prologues at all in published works I've read. I like it all.)
I was taking part in NaNoWriMo and didn't really take the time to think about all those questions. I thought I"d figure everything out with the edits. Now, that I think about it. My chapter 1 IS definitely something I would normally title as a prologue...I didn't though..and it still seems to work.
Mine's probably a YA urban fantasy though and I know that's different than a romance. So, not sure if any of this means anything.
Suann
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 12:13 am
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| Subject: | RE: I started my current wip with...
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.173 (Why?)
You know I hate say this because it sounds mean (and I don't mean it to) but I've discovered that when I think I'm being clear on something (say, motivation of a character), you really have to be super uber clear and blunt and just say it. It doesn't have to be real indepth -- a single line or phrase will do -- but yeah, putting it straight out there.
But it's funny that, as the author, you didn't distinguish between Chapter 1 vs. Prologue and just went with Chapter 1. :) Because if it doesn't bother you or make you rethink it... then it's probably fine. Good instincts and all that.
JT
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 12:23 am
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| Subject: | When all is said and done...
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Poster's IP address: 76.65.68.201 (Why?)
I don't think an agent or a publisher would 'pass' on a good story because we chose to make a passage a prologue vs a chapter. And vice versa.
Worst case scenario: we'll be asked to change it.
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 1:01 pm
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| Subject: | I didn't think that sounded mean....
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Not at all.
The author knows all the details of their characters lives and I, for one, have to often catch myself on certain things and remind myself "ooops, the reader doesn't know why you just said that or why it's relevant to the story" and then make sure that I take the necessary steps to resolve the issue.
However, what I meant when I said that I think the reader is "intelligent enough to figure it out" is:
Chapter One: there's a three month old baby whose name is Asa. Her parents are murdered and the scene ends with her crying.
Chapter Two: We are introduced to a young lady/teen who's name is Asa and some of the same themes from Chapter One are also in Chapter Two.
I don't think that it's a leap for the reader to connect the two "Asa's" as being the same person, just past and present.
I could be wrong there and will examine it more closely as well as have my "readers" (a couple of friends who are giving it a quick read just for "story") give me their thoughts on it too. Without having read it, I know it's hard for you to give any real opinion, but JT what do you think of that?
There's a lot of things in this one that I I've talked the "reasoning" out with people and figured it out in my "head" but now have to transfer that over to the actual novel/story so that it makes sense.
It's a learning experience, I'll tell ya that. ;-)
Fun and games!
S
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 1:03 pm
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| Subject: | Although, I just thought...
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my Chapter One could easily move to further in the book since I have a scene that deals with the events in Chapter One and it would help nicely with the "show don't tell" adage.
Got me thinking! ;-)
Thanks,
S
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Asa in Chapter 1, Asa in Chapter 2. LOL. Definitely logical enough for the reader to know. *G*
JT
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| Name: | mm (Home Page)
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| Date/Time: | 6/30/2010 7:06 pm
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| Subject: | I have a prologue
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Poster's IP address: 67.201.168.45 (Why?)
Therefore, they're good.
Actually, I think any of you who are writing books without prologues are a little bit nerdy.
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| Name: | mm (Home Page)
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| Date/Time: | 7/1/2010 8:55 am
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| Subject: | It's pretty short
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Poster's IP address: 67.201.168.45 (Why?)
Only 286 words. It's more of a fauxlogue.
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/1/2010 5:57 pm
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| Subject: | I always read the prologue.
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Of course I do.
If the author felt the necessity to use a prologue and it didn't get edited out before publishing then it's worthwhile to read. That's not to say that I haven't read some prologues that the book would have been just as good without but ....skip it all together? Not me! ;-)
I'm a book junkie though and have to read a whole book all the way through even if I hate it!
S
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/1/2010 9:08 pm
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| Subject: | Sass, have you ever found a prologue you didn't like?
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And if so... why?
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 6:45 am
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| Subject: | A prologue I didn't like....
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You know, I can't think of one off the top of my head that I absolutely didn't like. I'd think it would stand out to me if I'd come across any BUT I read voraciously and who's to say that I haven't just forgotten because of the volume I go through. Or maybe the rest of the novel made up for it?
When I am shopping for books, I always read the first page (whether that's chapter 1 or a prologue) and it doesn't matter to me which it is. If I like something about the style of writing or the first few paragraphs...I buy it.
Book junkie, I tell ya. I need to get a job reading books for a living! ;-)
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 12:09 am
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| Subject: | There's 1 that comes to mind.
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The author actually had 2 prologues. One was very very short (like 3 paragraphs) and the 2nd one was about 3 pages and it was nothing but backstory retold. Granted it was a series, but there was nothing in that 2nd prologue that wasn't shown later in the story. It really wasn't necessary.
JT
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| Name: | Toshi (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/17/2010 2:14 pm
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| Subject: | RE: Prologue vs. Chapter 1
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Edited by Toshi on 7/17/2010 2:14 pm
Most of them are a waste of time. However I have occasionally stumbled on a prologue that is really good, and every once in a while one that is brilliant.
If you get a chance read the prologue to Underworld by Don Delillo. It is far and away the best prologue that has ever been written. It is about 70 pages of pure literary bliss. Far better than (most of) the rest of the book which is just plain boring.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/27/2010 10:27 am
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| Subject: | Passive Voice Was How the Author Wrote
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Related Link: http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2010/06/passive-voice-just-some-thoughts.html
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Edited by JewelTones on 6/27/2010 10:27 am
Passive voice. We've all heard about it at one point or the other. We've all had a flurry of red squiggles across our pages and we've all had someone -- at one time or another -- say "Active, not passive."
Yeah. Terrific. Woohoo. Great advice. What the @#$% does it mean?
If you're like me, you're not a Funk & Wagnall when it comes to Grammar. Dissecting sentences gives you hives and trying to figure out if it's past or passed or who or whom makes you chuck your old English Grammar book at the nearest trashcan. So the ins and outs and ups and downs of passive voice continue to elude.
We've all heard the whole "passive voice means never using was, were, had, etc" and then we contort our writing into ever imaginable shape to avoid using a "was" or a "had" or a "were."
I tackle this subject now for 2 reasons. One, because the Edittorrent blog recently had a great article (actually 2) on what makes a sentence passive (and it ain't what you think) and I picked up a book called The Curious Case of the Misplaced Modifier: How to Solve the Mysteries of Weak Writing that tackles the various common writing "errors" and how to fix them. The very first element up? Yep, you got it. Passive voice.
There are many examples of sentences using words as as "was" that have NOTHING to do with passive voice.
Passive Voice occurs because of HOW a sentence is constructed.
In an Active Voice sentence, the subject is "doing" the action to the object.
In a Passive Voice sentence, the object is being acted upon
Here is a sentence to consider from the Curious Case book:
The sausage seller bit the hot dog vender.
The subject (the sausage seller) takes action (bit) upon the object (the hot dog vender).
Now if we wanted to make this passive, how would we rewrite that sentence? We'd put the object first, then the verb/action and then the subject, right? So our sentence would now look like this:
Passive Voice: The hot dog vender was bitten by the sausage seller.
Aside from that type of sentence structure (object/action verb/subject) there are three other symptoms of Passive that you can look for to identify passive voice.
1. The form of the verb "to be." That means am, is, was, were, be.
NOTE: Just because a sentence contains am, is, was, were, be DOES NOT make the sentence passive. Again, it's the structure of the sentence -- object/verb/subject.
2. A past participle (in other words the past tense form of a verb like "slapped" or "driven." This is the only condition always found in passive voice.
3. The word "by."
The Curious Case book gives a great example that contains all 3 of the conditions above. Check it out:
The writing book that covered passive voice was chewed up by the active police dog.
First things first. The sentence puts the object (the writing book) first followed by the action and then the subject (the dog)
It contains a form of "to be" by using "was," right? Check.
It contains a past participle by using "chewed," right? Check.
It contains the word "by," right? Check.
All conditions for passive voice have been met.
Now. How do we fix it? Seems pretty straightforward, right?
The active police dog chewed up the book that covered passive voice.
Tada! Done.
Now it's YOUR turn. Fix these passive voice sentences by making them active. You may add any element necessary to make these sentences active (such as a missing subject, etc). Example sentences are from Word Painting and the Curious Case... book.
1. The ship was rocked by rough winds
2. The judged tripped over the law books left carelessly around by the bailiff.
3. The new policy was approved by the executive committee.
Why Avoid Passive Voice?
It's boring. It's confusing. It allows a writer to be vague when the reader wants specific to help them understnad who did what. Passive voice creates weak verbs. Weak verbs are boring. Passive voice is also wordy. Wordy gets confusing. See a trend?
Hold On To Your Hats... Sometimes Passive Voice is Okay.
As with all writing there is never a 100% "Never" attached to anything. The key though is to know what you're doing when you do it. Breaking a "rule" (and you know I hate the word "rule" when it comes to writing, but whatever) is fine if you know you're doing it and have a legit reason for doing it. I'm not including "it's my style to write XYZ." Anywhoo....
There are times when passive voice works. So when can/should you use passive voice? The Curious Case book outlines them very, very nicely.
1. When you want to focus on the object, not the subject.
Ex: The serial killer, who had stumped the police for years, was finally caught.
2. You don't care, don't know, or or it's obvious who did it in the sentence.
Ex: The department's new policy states that only candidates with police training will be hired; experience watching cop shows doesn't count.
3. You intend to omit who did it.
Ex: Mistakes were made in the investigation.
Have a question about passive voice? Have something from your writing your not sure is passive or not or maybe you're not sure how to fix it... Jump into the discussion. :)
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/24/2010 11:09 pm
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| Subject: | Need a Story Pitch? There's an App for that!
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Related Link: http://www.kathycarmichael.com/generator.html
Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.102 (Why?)
Okay,technically it's not an app. It's an online generator developed by Kathy Carmichael. I put the link above and for anybody who has tried to write a concise pitch, you know how tough this can be, so playing around with the generator is fun and helpful. Check it out.
JT
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| Name: | liz
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| Date/Time: | 6/24/2010 7:18 pm
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| Subject: | harlequin/mills & boon question
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Poster's IP address: 69.158.0.42 (Why?)
Hi all,
Can anyone offer advice as to how submit a "traditional" Harlequin Romance ms? I understand from their site that these can only be submitted to their London offices and since I'm in Canada, is an IRC necessary (and if so, can these be downloaded?) I'd prefer to submit locally, but it seems that the Canadian offices accept only certain lists, such as "super romance".
BTW, I'm sort of new here and thought I'd try my hand at the romance genre. Any advice greatly appreciated.
Liz
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/24/2010 10:41 pm
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| Subject: | RE: Welcome to the board, Liz!
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Related Link: http://www.eharlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=1102&chapter=0
Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.102 (Why?)
Harlequin has oodles of lines and the lines are broken up among various offices (which means various locations).
Lines are very specific in terms of content, so the key is figuring out which line (and voice) your story fits best. There is, say, a huge difference between Harlequin Romance vs. Harlequin Blaze. I put a link above that will take you to their guidelines page (and I believe Mills & Boon has one as well of their own out there). That should give you and everybody reading a good idea of what fits where. :)
At present it doesn't look like they take email submissions, so yeah, it looks like you'll have to submit the old fashioned way: through postal mail. Mills & Boon is in England, so you'll have to submit there.
Now I'm not in Canada, so I'm not very familiar with your postal service there (but we do have members who are). An IRC is only needed, really, if you want your manuscript returned. Personally? I'd skip asking for that. It probably won't come back in good condition and you'll never use it again and resend it to someone else (you'll print a fresh copy) so I wouldn't waste the postage.
Now, you will want to include a Self-addressed Stamped Envelope (SASE) for their response letter to you. That will require standard letter postage to get it from London back to you in England. You'll have to ask your postal office what kind of postage you'll need to enclose for that.
Other than that, just send what they ask for. If they ask for a query letter, send that. If they ask for a proposal (first 3 chapters and a synopsis) then send that. Each line varies.
I noticed this on the Mills & Boon site:
How do I know that Harlequin Enterprises has received my manuscript?
Please include a self-addressed, stamped postcard with the manuscript delivery.
I recommend that. I do that with all my manuscripts and it's very helpful. At least you know, when you get that postcard back, that they got your package and opened it. :)
Does that help at all? If you have specific questions about mailing, format, etc, ask away. That's what we're here for.
And if you have questions about writing romance, fire away on those too. We'll be happy to help.
JT
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Related Link: http://www.millsandboon.com.au/authorguidelines.asp
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I linked it above. Hopefully it'll be helpful as well.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/24/2010 10:52 pm
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| Subject: | Ah ha! Mills & Boon Editor Q&A (including email submissions)
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Related Link: http://community.eharlequin.com/forums/write-stuff/uk-mb-editors-qa-club-2
Poster's IP address: 68.74.74.102 (Why?)
I knew I saw a chat with Mills & Boon editors that included email submission. The link in the link line above should take you to a Q&A "club" on the eHarlequin board. This includes, at the top of the thread, information on how to submit via email (which you should get a confirmation email in return, btw. If you don't get that email in a day or two I'd inquire. I'm sure they talk about that in the thread as well).
I skimmed through the thread and it has bits and drabs of information about the various lines, so it might be worth your while to skim through it and pick up what's useful to you.
JT
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/25/2010 1:13 pm
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| Subject: | PS: About return mail from foreign countries
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Poster's IP address: 76.65.72.159 (Why?)
Hi Welcome to the board by the way.
If you send something to England and you want them to return a SASE to you, you'll need 'ENGLISH' stamps. And no, Canada Post doesn't keep foreign stamps in stock. So you'll have to find a place where they sell stamps, you know, for collectors and such.
Good luck
Keep us posted (pun intended)
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Canada doesn't do ANY kind of international postage thingie? How crazy is that!?
JT
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| Name: | Liz
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| Date/Time: | 6/25/2010 3:46 pm
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| Subject: | RE: That's SO weird
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Poster's IP address: 69.158.2.24 (Why?)
Thank you both - and I will check out the e-mail info link.
It is a problem here in Canada in that the Cdn. government is not in the business of selling foreign stamps. International Reply coupons are always an option but it's always struck me as unnecessarily complicated.
I didn't know that not getting the ms back was an option. I'd always assumed that most publishers insist on it in case of future liability re copyright infraction or some such - but maybe in the past it was just because writers valued their hard copies more after banging them out on their Olivettis?
Cheers,
Liz
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I didn't know that not getting the ms back was an option. I'd always assumed that most publishers insist on it in case of future liability re copyright infraction or some such - but maybe in the past it was just because writers valued their hard copies more after banging them out on their Olivettis?
Nah, publishers don't worry about that. They just chuck 'em and recycle. It's easier for them and for the author who doesn't want to pay for the return of a worthless stack of paper (worthless because it won't be in good condition). So paying for the return of 300 pages of MS vs. a 1 page letter. Now with so many switching to email submissions, it might go paperless entirely and make the whole thing cheaper for everybody.
JT
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| Name: | Liz
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| Date/Time: | 6/26/2010 6:07 pm
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| Subject: | RE: Manuscripts
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Poster's IP address: 69.158.2.217 (Why?)
Thanks - that's good to know.
Sorry about the US today in the World Cup...
Liz
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Edited by sinsational on 6/25/2010 5:16 pm
you can go to the post office and get a form to order stamps...and I do believeyou can do it right on their website as well.
R
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| Name: | Liz
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| Date/Time: | 6/26/2010 6:09 pm
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| Subject: | RE: international stamps
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Poster's IP address: 69.158.2.217 (Why?)
Thanks - I didn't know. I just tried their site and couldn't find anything but I've always found it ridiculously hard to navigate. I'll ask in person.
Liz
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 6:49 am
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| Subject: | I still have some US stamps from....
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Geez, Sin, how long ago was that? You and I both ordered US stamps for short story submissions, etc.
Hmmm....outdated now. Wonder if I can still use them as long as I use enough?
Interesting.
S
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| Name: | sinsational (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 9:51 am
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| Subject: | RE: I still have some US stamps from....
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.189.59 (Why?)
yeah it was forever ago. At least 10 years. Maybe we can sell them on ebay as vintage. LOL
I think we can still use them can't we?
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 10:13 am
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| Subject: | The ones I have are 33 cent stamps...
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I can't see why they can't be used...as long as enough stamps are on the envelope to cover the cost....
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 12:02 am
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| Subject: | You can totally use them as long as you have enough 'make up' stamps
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.173 (Why?)
to cover the cost = that of current postage, which I believe is 42 cents. We have these liberty bell stamps now that don't have the cost on them. I hate them for that reason. The USPS can raise the cost and since it's not printed on those particular stamps, you never know it. LOL.
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/22/2010 12:45 am
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| Subject: | POV/Perspective Exercise - Part 2
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Related Link: http://www.extrametrical.com/archives/ross_bay_cemetery_in_octobe.jpg
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Building off the POV Perspective Excerise posted last week (see a line or two below this post)....
1. Refresh your memory of the setting image by checking the image link above. That's your setting. (hopefully the image works for everybody)
2. Write a short scene (figure no more than 1400 words) this time from the HEROINE'S POV/Perspective
3. Focus on establishing the scene from her perspective via her unique voice AND make that perspective completely different from that established by the Hero in Part 1. I.E. if the hero is comforted or has good memories, the heroine here will have the opposite.
4. Pay attention to description AND sensory details
5. Post your exercise as a response to this thread.
***Note: This is not for line by line critique. Others will leave their thoughts and impressions. So don't be shy.***
Questions? Ask away.
JT
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Related Link: http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2010/06/setting-as-tone-reinforcement.html
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I confess, setting is something I need to work on more.
I tend to toss in the 'decor' and move on.
In some scenes, I often catch myself going back and 'adding' the setting.
Anyhow, just wanted to share :)
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/21/2010 12:06 am
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| Subject: | I read that last night and thought it was interesting as well
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I do tend to add setting to my stories (for the most part) but had to flesh it out a bit in my last WIP. Sometimes its hard to think of setting in terms of adding tone to a scene, especially in romance, imo. I tend to view setting more from a "helps to establish character" than I do tone -- using the surroundings to help establish a constellation of images for the character and carry that image throughout the novel. But the blog definitely gave me something else to consider. :)
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/16/2010 6:49 pm
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| Subject: | Contest: Drive 'Em Wilde! (for emerging authors)
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Related Link: http://www.savvyauthors.com/event.cfm?EventID=510
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Edited by JewelTones on 6/16/2010 6:49 pm
***note: the link seems to be erroring out for me now as does the website. I assume this is only temporary. 6/16 @ 5:45 p.m***
Best-selling romance author Lori Wilde has teamed up with Savvy Authors in the Drive 'Em Wilde writing contest. The contest, which closes July 15th and has a small entry fee (see the link above for FULL rules and details -- read carefully and thoroughly), has unpublished authors submitting the first 10 pages of their novel AND a 1 page query letter.
The prize? Free tuition for Lori Wilde's year-long mentoring track class at Savvy University, including individual mentoring by Lori to help you write, edit and get your manuscript ready to submit.
Again, visit the site link for all the details, full rules, fees, how finalists will be selected, contest entry formatting, and entry forms.
Are you going to enter?
JT
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If so, what are you currently working on (novel, short, romance? non?)
And if not... why not?
JT
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
Finished writing chapter 23 on Sunday.
Current word count: 82,759 words
Ideal goal: 100,000
As this rate, I think I'll be hitting the 110K mark though.
Ah well, what's dropping 10 000 words in a 30 chapter book?
That's what revisions are for :)
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.79.241 (Why?)
Good for you! :) And yeah, I never worry too much about word count in a first draft. You trim here, you cut there, you add somewhere else... in the end, as long as you're in the ballpark, it's all good.
I'm currently staring at Chapter 1 of a contemporary and trying to figure out: Start with the heroine's POV or the hero's? Either works and I'm not sure which scene I want to open with. So now I figure I'll just write one and then the other. I can always flip flop 'em if I change my mind. LOL.
But I'm coming off finishing 3 chapters of a paranormal for a contest entry -- still have to revise that -- and now the plan is to get the first 3 chapters of all the OTHER stories I've got in the pot done.
JT
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Poster's IP address: 217.42.34.50 (Why?)
No, I'm not writing. Not to the finished item, that is.
Writing has gradually become more and more difficult since Boxing Day (when I quit smoking). I've been here before and know it's only temporary, but until the tide turns, concentrating is hard work.
And yes, because I've spent the past two months working through ideas. I can't do seat of the pants writing, so I plot-plot-plot. (It's better to know an idea won't work after two or three pages of plotting, than to discover it won't work after 200 pages of writing.)
I've also been reading a lot more than normal, feeding the mind. What goes in, has to come out.
:o}
-----Bizzy-----
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/15/2010 7:50 pm
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| Subject: | I'm so not a pantster. I plot to death
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.79.241 (Why?)
I know a lot of people say if they plot or outline first they get bored with the story and never write it but winging it? That gives me hives. LOL. I don't know how people do it.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 10:21 am
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| Subject: | I'm a pantster totally!
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Poster's IP address: 24.89.242.231 (Why?)
I usually get the little nugget of an idea, figure out how it starts and how I want it to end...and that's it...and usually that is done in my mind.
Then, I just see where the story takes me.
During the course of writing the novel, I might make plot notes for an upcoming chapter because I don't want to forget the "great" idea I had but usually I just let the story take me where it will.
The idea of plotting frightens me...much like not plotting gives you hives JT!
I keep saying I'm going to give it a try but I never do.
However, I'm planning to take part in NaNoWriMo again this year...so I"m setting aside my October to get ready for it. I'm going to "try" to formulate my idea and do a very brief outline so that when the writing starts on November 1st, I don't have to worry about the plot, I just have to write. We'll see how that goes.
;-)
s
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 12:03 am
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| Subject: | You gotta do what works for you, imo
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.173 (Why?)
Nothing wrong with being a panster or a plotter... until it doesn't work for you anymore. LOL. Sometimes I plot more, sometimes I plot less. It all depends.
JT
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Poster's IP address: 76.65.68.201 (Why?)
figure out where to start and how I want it to end. All roads lead to Rome--some just have nicer scenery :)
I've tried to plot; surest way for me to get bored and lose interest in the story.
As a panster, I enjoy 'discovering' the story as I go along. I enjoy the rush of an unexpected twist that makes everything better. Or how one passing line of description can later mesh with another passing line and wham...another unexpected twist.
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| Name: | donnalee (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/5/2010 7:53 am
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| Subject: | RE: I'm a pantster totally!
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Poster's IP address: 67.238.239.145 (Why?)
I don't plot either - which probably accounts for Ethan taking me 15 years to finish, LOL.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/5/2010 11:13 pm
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| Subject: | I admire people who can do the panster thing
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.64.24 (Why?)
I really do. I can't jump into a story that way. I have know just about everything. LOL. A lot of my writer friends say that sucks the fun out of the story for them, which I can see. :)
JT
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| Name: | donnalee (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/6/2010 8:24 am
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| Subject: | RE: I admire people who can do the panster thing
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Poster's IP address: 67.238.239.145 (Why?)
We do get some surprises along the way. I sometimes do character profiles, and boy do they ever surprise me!
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/15/2010 2:55 pm
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| Subject: | POV/Perspective Exercise
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Related Link: http://www.extrametrical.com/archives/ross_bay_cemetery_in_octobe.jpg
Poster's IP address: 68.74.79.241 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 6/15/2010 2:55 pm
I recently read an article in a blog about how some writers don't always connect POV with Perspective. Aside from the whole technical aspect of POV/Perspective (i.e. the "eyes" through which particular scenes or even an entire story is told through -- usually your hero and/or heroine), POV/Perspective will change how a scene is told and comes across to the reader. Why? Because 2 people will never see the same scene the same way, nor will their reactions, emotion responses, conflicts, etc., be the same.
For exampe: Let's say your hero and heroine are both at the same bar. A drunken brawl breaks out. How do the events and actions vary depending on if the scene is told through the heroine's eyes vs. the hero?
This, of course, depends on who your Hero and Heroine are. If, say, your hero is the local sheriff, his wading into the fight is part of his job. His goal is not going to be to kick the tar out of the other guy. It's going to be to get the situation under control, use only the force necessary (if necessary at all), and end things as fast as possible. If, however, your hero is a professor studying dating habits.... um. He might react a bit differently and there's a good chance he's gonna wind up on the floor with a busted nose on. The same can be said for the heroine. If she's a "nice" woman at the bar for, say, a bridal shower and things get out of hand, that's one thing. If she's the bartender? Her reactions are going to be completely different. All of these examples will vary depending on the background of the character, their life experiences, their goals, etc.
So here's how this exercise works:
1. Take a look at the image link above. That's your setting. (hopefully the image works for everybody)
2. Write a short scene (figure no more than 1400 words) from The HERO'S POV/Perspective
3. Focus on establishing the scene from the Hero's perspective via his unique voice
4. Pay attention to description AND sensory details
5. Post your exercise as a response to this thread.
Part II: The Heroine -- COMING NEXT Sunday. So you have 1 week to do this and get it posted.
***Note: This is not for line by line critique. Others will leave their thoughts and impressions. So don't be shy.***
Questions? Ask away.
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 1:10 pm
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| Subject: | I can't believe that...
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Poster's IP address: 24.89.242.231 (Why?)
no one posted anything for this. I think this is very interesting indeed.
The first thing I thought was how Stephenie Myer write Twilight and then posted an on-line version of everything from Edward' POV. It was very interesting to read for the simple fact the two characters DID have such unique and differing thoughts on what was happening.
I might give this a try myself...even if I don't post it.
Interesting indeed.
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/2/2010 10:26 pm
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| Subject: | I like the idea of this one myself.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.73.173 (Why?)
It help builds characterization and narration through perspective as well as who notices what details, the difference of emotions, gestures, etc. I still want to actually do this exercise so I might be posting it once I get all the other writing projects straightened out. :)
JT
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| Name: | sinsational (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/3/2010 7:37 am
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| Subject: | RE: I like the idea of this one myself.
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.189.59 (Why?)
I may try it as well.
R
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Related Link: http://www.thewildrosepress.com/marie-kenward-m-662.html
Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
Early bird special available on publisher's website
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.112.120 (Why?)
I am so excited for you! I think everybody in this forum knows how hard you've been working toward this. :) I'm so proud of you, hon! Go out, celebrate, have some chocolate.
Congrats again!
Hugs!
JT
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| Name: | sass (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/12/2010 12:15 am
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| Subject: | Congrats!!! It looks awesome!
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Poster's IP address: 24.224.169.125 (Why?)
Love the cover and the little excerpt on the website. I'm not "typically" a romance "reader" or "writer" but the ones with vamps, weres, fairies, etc., all pull me right in. I wish you great success with this!
Suann
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/7/2010 2:05 pm
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| Subject: | Remember When the Shark Took on the Bug Girl?
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Related Link: http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2010/05/160-directors-cut.html
Poster's IP address: 68.74.112.120 (Why?)
Bliss linked us to a blog entry by the Query Shark a few days ago (or was that weeks ago? Either way, the original blog entry is down below somewhere), and there were some good questions raised both here and at the blog about WHY the Query Shark was so willing to sink her fangs into the proposed novel (a nanny with a bug fascination who gets pulled into family drama). The Query Shark has taken those questions and responded to them in a NEW blog entry that I found really fascinating. It's always interesting to me to get inside the head of an agent or editor to see what they're thinking, why, why a project appeals or doesn't appeal because -- as writers -- this information is gold! It helps us see our work through their eyes and helps us judge how to approach things a little better.
I think my favorite answer of hers in this column is "It's the WRITING I respond to. I can fix almost anything but voice..."
Anywhoo. A good read with good information. When you have a few minutes to spare, I totally recommend reading it.
JT
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
I know I said I wanted to take part.
And I do.
But these past weeks, I've been scrambling to finish my WIP. After 3 years, (yes I said three YEARS due to rewrites and constantly setting it aside to work with my editor on the two stories I sold) I'm seeing the light at the end of tunnel :)
I've been writing like crazy and not doing much of anything else. Just ask my friends...
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/7/2010 1:53 pm
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| Subject: | Yeah, you're skipping the flash fics cause you've been lazy.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.112.120 (Why?)
Edited by JewelTones on 6/7/2010 1:53 pm
;)
Kidding, kidding. You're WRITING. For publication. That's the best "excuse" to miss a flash fic ever. LOL. Writing for a deadline and/or a contract is the whole point of all this. The flash fic is to help you get back in the swing of things, write on a schedule, etc, etc, and actually *write* something instead of procrastinating. You're already doing that, so hello. No explanations (or apologies) necessary, honey. Your priorities are where they need to be.
I've missed the last 2 for a very similar reason -- I'm working on the 3 chapters I need to send in by mid-July for the Brenda Novak Mentorship contest. Another scene or two and the first draft will be done. Woohoo!
JT
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Poster's IP address: 217.42.34.50 (Why?)
Even 'I'm male; I'm weak' won't cut it.
:o{
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 6/7/2010 8:13 pm
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| Subject: | LOL! Well it's not like it's required.
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.112.120 (Why?)
No whips and chains or nothing. This was just an idea we're testing. If people do? Cool. If not? No sweat off my nose. I write either way. :)
JT
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| Name: | JewelTones (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 4:26 pm
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| Subject: | ...Did you mean this for the politics forum?
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Poster's IP address: 68.74.78.246 (Why?)
?
JT
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| Name: | Steerpike (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/23/2010 4:26 pm
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| Subject: | There could be romance elements...
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Poster's IP address: 24.32.185.79 (Why?)
especially if there's another baby-daddy sitting around somewhere.
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
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| Name: | bliss (Home Page) (Gold Member)
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| Date/Time: | 7/28/2010 9:17 am
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| Subject: | Oh look, adverstising. He missed the fanfic forum (nm)
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Poster's IP address: 64.86.141.133 (Why?)
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